Friday, May 6, 2011

Effing Jellybeans!!!!!!

So I've been on a downward spiral for the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what touched it off.  I've been exhausted.  Chilidog has been so sick.  It could be a million other things, I'm sure.  Work.  Diet.  Exercise.  Stress comes from a lot of different places.  Sometimes, its not just one thing.  Sometimes, its a lot of little things weighing you down.

I've talked about addiction transfer after gastric bypass before.  You can find previous posts on the subject here:

The addiction stuff seems to be taking over again.  I can't spend money because I'm almost a year and a half into leaving behind credit cards (and thanks to recent car repairs, taxes, CPA bill, dentist bill, car registration, etc...a few thousand dollars in fun money have had to go to non-fun things).  So, I'm turning to food.  Ugh.  Specifically...Jolly Rancher jellybeans.  Double ugh.

An entire bag of jellybeans has 1,400 calories in it.  If I space it out enough, I can eat a whole bag over the course of a day.  Usually I space it over two days.  I literally cannot have these jellybeans in my reach.  I can't say no to them.  And I'm super OCD about how I eat them.  I group them into color piles and eat each pile individually.  It's sick.  And stupid.  Completely empty calories that make me sick and feel like crap.

When I'm stressed, especially, I need to be eating healthy.  I'm sure its no coincidence that my psoriasis has been out of control lately too.  Here's an old post about psoriasis.  Partially, my skin can get out of control when I haven't spent enough time in the sun.  Again -- back to the money issues -- with no extra spending money, I can't pay for a tanning booth contract (and the sun only recently started coming out so that wasn't an option for awhile).  However, that's still no excuse for eating poorly.  If I can't afford to tan, I really should be hyper-aware of my food intake.

So I am trying to be aware of the compulsive eating.  Since I can't binge on shopping, I don't want to start gaining weight.  Why do I have to binge on anything?  Or, why can't I be addicted to the gym or something healthy?  I could be the first girl who has a broccoli addiction!  I hate broccoli, by the way.  My mom still puts it in the blender and dumps it in salads so I can't pick it out. 

Triple ugh.

Tomorrow is the Kidney Walk with Rita in San Francisco.  It will be good to get out and walk around in the city.  Hopefully the weather is nice and I'll start the next week with a clear head and some determination to stay on track.


  1. its really hard to focus sometimes. hang in there. maybe make a ocd deal with yourself and try to turn to the super positive healthy sunny stuff (i know its hard, i have similar prob, im trying to change it too). enjoy the kidney walk!!! yay the sun is here :)

  2. I feel pretty good so far. The walk was a lot of fun and the weather wasn't too bad. Sunday, I went to Jackson to celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday and mother's day. Today, I packed only good snacks in my lunch and have stuck to them without getting in the car to make a jellybean store trip. Reading this post made my mouth start watering for jellybeans though. Sucks!!!!!!!!