Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Frustrated but hopeful?

Sometimes life just sucks.  Yesterday, my boyfriend was mugged by a dude with a knife.  He didn't get hurt but he's pretty shaken up.  I've never been  mugged before so I can't even imagine how he feels.  But he also works in the worst part of Oakland in the very early morning hours so I think he needs to find a new job.  That brings up scary feelings about money.  That stresses me out.  Makes me want to eat.  Makes me notice my psoriasis isn't getting any better.  Makes me a jerk for not just being grateful that my boyfriend wasn't killed?

I haven't lost any weight since my last update.  []  But I haven't gained either.  Considering I've been up about five pounds every month, that's a success in my book. 

My psoriasis got about 50% better pretty quickly after I started Enbrel [], but hasn't improved at all in the last month.  Psoriasis is one of those "mental illnesses."  Doesn't really hurt me but makes me crazy.  Stress makes it worse.  I get tired of the, OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?!  On pole days, I can't use my regular greasy medications or lotions so I am especially scaly and nasty.  Makes me feel ugly.  But it's just dry skin.  It's not contagious.  I'm not in pain. 

One good thing that's happened is that my hip pain is a lot better.  The bad news is that possibly does mean I have psoriatic arthritis [].  Should be fine as long as I'm on the Enbrel and is another motivating factor to lose the excess weight (again). 

I have a lot of good things happening for me right now.  I started pilates reformer classes at the Absolute Center yesterday.  I am going to check out the UFC gym tomorrow to take Debbi's spin class [].  I am planning to start my Forma Groupon on Monday to do their spin classes.  I am looking forward to my trip at the end of the month to attend the California Pole Dance Championship and take classes at OC Pole Fitness and Be Spun.  I am gainfully employed.  Etc. etc. etc.  Blah. blah. blah. 

I had a good gastric bypass support group meeting last night.  There were a lot of new people.  One of the ladies told me she really enjoyed my blog.  I think she liked it because I'm real.  I get cocky and am happy about having lost so much weight.  But I am honest that I have gained and continue to struggle.  Hopefully I am impressing upon people to start good habits early, keep them and don't get TOO cocky.  Get into the gym.  Skip the sweets and carbs you don't need.  Take your vitamins.  

I am also looking forward to Twirly Girls tonight.  We are working on routines for the Trick or Twirl event to be held next month.  I am also hoping to find enough time to start going to class twice a week.  Maybe Saturdays will clear up now that the summer is almost over.  I need something.  I feel bad that I've hurt my boyfriend's feelings by making this about me.  But I feel like every time I've almost got everything together....I fall again.  I try so hard to be so much to many different people.  Maybe sometimes I need someone to be there for me. 


  1. I love how honest you are. Being open and vulnerable takes strength that most people will never develop, and I respect that immensely. I deal with psoriasis also; and have had weight issues that I have dealt with. We should talk sometime, and I'll share what worked for me. In the mean time, thanks for your candid approach to dealing with life.

  2. Thank you, Kyle! I would love to chat sometime! It's been awhile -- I hope you are doing well!!