Monday, February 6, 2012

That's me, the chameleon

This photo on Tumblr yesterday stopped me in my tracks:

I re-blogged it.  Then I forgot about it for awhile.  Later, I got a text from my friend, Stephanie Nicole le Dream.  It said:  Saw your tumblr post...Just thought you should know that I think you are one of the most beautiful women in the world.  You inspire me...  And I wish that I looked half as amazing as you do.  :-)

Oh she looks amazing and her sweet text almost made me cry.   And it made me think.

I spend so much time running around telling everyone that they are beautiful and that life doesn't start five pounds from now.  But I myself don't believe the words coming out of my own mouth!  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting to lose weight to live my life but I sure am unhappy with the photos I see of myself lately.  We went to LA to video some interviews last week.  I am two or three times the size of most of the people I interviewed.  That is not putting myself down.  That is a fact.  But seeing myself on video wasn't fun.

As an adult, I've weighed 350 pounds.  I've weighed 180 pounds.  Now I'm in between.  I don't feel like I'm actually happier at any specific weight but my brain swears up and down that if I weigh less, I am happier.  Why is that? 

I keep swearing I don't attach my self worth to the scale, yet I weigh myself every day.  I lost 5 pounds really quickly on the first week of the Primal Blueprint.  Then I went to LA and did ok...I didn't really gain or lose anything.  But now I've been floundering for the last week.  But that shouldn't make me a bad person.  Yet I feel guilty like I'm letting people down.  Well, really letting myself down.  For "failing" at another "diet."  (Note:  I actually don't consider the Primal Blueprint a diet...more of a lifestyle change, but know what I mean.)  I haven't even failed yet!

I am definitely getting stronger and I give Twirly Tuff the majority of the credit there.  I am good with food more often than not.  I just need to be patient and let the weight come off.  Or not.  What if it doesn't?  WHAT IF I spend the rest of my life at 250 pounds?  Will that destroy my sad brain?

Blah blah blah.

I went to the Hubba Hubba Revue to see Shelly Lamb perform over the weekend.  Their theme was like a circus side show with a burlesque feel to it (Cabaret Perilous).  The burlesque world really does embrace curves and women's bodies as they are (I've certainly seen some girls confidently take most of it off with more lumps than I have).  I am also starting to teach the Sassy Pants class at Twirly Girls.  I feel like I almost have no business telling everyone to be happy at any size and celebrate themselves when I can't do it myself.  

I'm just feeling things out here.  Talking to hear myself talk.  But I am trying to talk the talk AND walk the walk.  I should not be defined by my weight.  I'm the only one who appears to be judging myself here so I need to knock it off.  When things make me uncomfortable, I usually start facing them head-on.  I'm seriously going to have to schedule a naked photoshoot or something to deal with these mind games I'm playing with myself.  Ok, I won't go that far, but something is going to have to happen.  Soon.


  1. I always love your "thinking out loud" posts. They get me thinking too. What would the world be like if EVERYONE, men & women were all 250 lbs? What kind of perception of ourselves would we have then? Would anyone think twice about being "skinny"? "Skinny" wouldn't exist...For me I guess being the weight I am drives me nuts, because I have been 40 lbs lighter. I know that having that body can be a reality, because I've had it before.

    I also think that it's not so much that being "fat" is "ugly" (although my chub definitely has the power to gross me out. lol), but that it is just extremely appealing to be lighter on your feet, because you can do so much more...Pole dancing for example would be a lot easier sans the extra pounds. You feel better because you are healthier. You can run, jump & play! It is easier to buy clothes and you have a much larger selection to choose from. Etc...

    The body was made to run as a well oiled machine - for the most part. It's up to us to get our butts in the shop & get a tune up! Let's live as we were designed to :)

  2. You wrote, "I'm the only one who appears to be judging myself here"... Agreed! You've heard it all before, but it's worth saying again: How you look is one part of who you are -- but only one, certainly not the most important one -- and it definitely does NOT define WHO you are. Who you are is your great personality and your talents that all your true friends love. There's a fine line between wanting to be motivated to lose weight for helath reasons vs. beating yourself up about it. You get enough bruises from your workouts, you don't need more bruises to your ego!

  3. Heather, I also find that most people look at me as just me. I am the one who sees myself fatter, thinner, prettier, or whatever. I am, as usual, my own worst enemy. :-) And I do want to lose 50 pounds!!! I'll take freakin' 10 pounds for now. I just need a good start!

    Robert, you are so right. SOOOOOO right. My fragile little ego doesn't need me to beat itself up anymore. :-)