Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Do I have a responsibility?

Sometimes I forget.  I forget when I'm ranting and raving and spewing unhappiness that people are actually watching my public tantrums.  It is easy for me to be "real" about my struggles because writing into a white box where I can't see anyone staring back isn't "real" to me.  I use this blog as an outlet, to help myself figure out why I do the stupid things I do.  But, do I have a responsibility?  Now that I realize how many people are reading my blog, should I rein myself in?  Should I shit sunshine and rainbows, and pretend I don't have any problems?  Should I preach good body image and healthy self love, when I don't practice it myself?  Or should I be real? 

I recently posted about the "challenges" of being a curvy girl, where I talked about not wanting to be a curvy girl.  A reader called me out:

You know, all the same things that any girl would love hearing. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback to hear you say:

"I don't look down on curvy girls. At the same time, I don't want to be one," shortly after saying that you don't consider it a handicap. However, I am all in favor of personal choice and if it is more ideal for you to wish to be a size 4 as opposed to a size 14, in my eyes, that is perfectly acceptable. We want women to be happy in the skin they are in and if you are unhappy and being tinier would make you feel better about yourself, than that is what we would want for you. 

I corrected myself in a comment by saying that I don't fight against being CURVY.  I just don't want to be fat.  Being overweight hurts.  It hurts my back, hips, feet, ankles, knees...  Her comment (in its entirety) really resonated with me.  She continued on to say:  

That's a gift that I wish for all women, to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and realize that she is a goddess. Fat, thin or any size in between. Just be happy.

That's all I want for you. I've seen your photos. You're lovely. I wish you knew that about you and can see yourself as I see you in your pictures. Strong, fit, smart, savvy and yes, even curvy. And I promise you, it's not a bad thing. :)

I wish that for all women as well.  I wish it for all people.  I wish it for myself.  I really have to come to terms with the fact that there's a small possibility that I won't lose all of this recent weight gain.  I don't plan to stop trying, but I do need to work on loving myself regardless of what the scale (or my clothes) say.  I battle depression, so I realize I'm already fighting an uphill battle.  

I feel like I have a responsibility to be as healthy as I can possibly be.  I help run a gastric bypass support group for God's sake!  I am also now teaching at Twirly Girls, so I have a class of students I need to stay ahead of.  I really am focusing, though, on being healthy and strong, not skinny(ier).  I recently posted that I was putting my scale away.  I had gotten up to 257 pounds, and was down to 252 after I started the Paleo Diet.  I put my scale away two weeks ago and weighed 255 pounds at that time.  I was supposed to wait two months to pull my scale out.  I cheated...only two weeks in (I know....I couldn't take it!!)!  But I was down to 250 pounds!  I am SO excited!!!!  I recognize that food is my nemesis.  I am an addict and compulsive over-eater.  I am dealing with this one day at a time.  Stopping binges is my one and only daily goal.  But I definitely feel more in control since I put away the scale and all of the food lists (here's a history of my weight loss adventures). 

I know I'm usually the queen of TMI.  I guess part of me hoped I was helping other people battling the same issues, even if just to let them know there are other people out there with the same issues.  At the same time, I don't mean to insult anyone by talking about how happy *I* am when I'm overweight.  

So what do you think?  Should I publicly talk about all of my bullshit?  Or should I keep it to myself? 




























2 comments:

  1. I find that the blog world is meant for you to purge your innermost thought too. Thats why it became popular. I think that sharing what you feel can help others and it can always help you to read back and gain perspective on yourself or like you experienced with the one post, gain perspective from others.
    Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel comfortable.
    :)

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  2. You are definitely right. That's why I am a blogger and not a journalist. I guess I just want girls especially to know that it's ok to not be "perfect" and it's normal to feel a little insecure about yourself but that you should know you are beautiful at any size.

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