Monday, April 9, 2012

Here's my crutch: It's not an excuse, it's the reason

I've talked about food addiction a lot on my blog, even more lately than I used to.  Here are some past posts if you'd like to get caught up:

2/4/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/food-final-frontier.html

2/26/2010:  http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/02/id-like-to-have-my-big-mac-and-eat-it.html

3/10/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/03/pick-your-poison.html

7/22/2010: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2010/07/swapping-problems.html

5/6/2011: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2011/05/effing-jellybeans.html

3/9/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/filing-for-bankruptcy-made-me-fat.html

3/23/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/03/when-you-do-it-alone-theres-problem.html

4/5/2012: http://lolorashel.blogspot.com/2012/04/carnie-wilson-in-news-again.html

I read back on a lot of old posts, whether they were exercise or food related.  At the end, I always promised to be better, how that day was a new day and things were going to change.  Then they didn't.  Or they did -- only for the worse since I've gained about 25 pounds since I started this blog two years ago.  

And it got me thinking about how sometimes you're not making an excuse, "it" really is the reason you can or cannot do something.  There are only so many hours in the day.  I literally cannot fit in exercise on a day I might be doing something from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.  Some days I really do stop for fast food because I am running around so much (and stupidly didn't think ahead) that making a "healthy" choice at fast food is better than eating nothing at all.

I am not a lazy person.  I work a 40 hour a week job.  I commute.  I write for multiple companies.  I teach at Twirly Girls.  I take classes at Twirly Girls.  I do pilates.  And I also have to find time for Rob, household chores, friends, etc.  Apparently I am required to sleep a third of the day away as well.  I could probably use some extra cardio and definitely some yoga in my life, but I need to find time to fit it in. 

But my nemesis is food.  And I am struggling with food addiction.  No matter how much I work out, without getting the food under control, I won't get my weight under control.  It's not an excuse, but it is a reason I'm fat.

Or is it an excuse?

A few years back, I went through a really nasty break-up.  Psycho stalker bullshit.  The guy gave up smoking pot at the same time as we broke up.  And his brain went nuts.  I think he was also doing a little coke or something else, but can't prove anything.  Anyway, long story short, he talked to a therapist who gave him a "diagnosis" (over the phone during like one or two phone sessions -- I should have reported this stupid bitch) of OCD, along with some other issues.  And suddenly, he had a crutch!  He was "mentally ill" (his words, not mine)!  And he informed me that we could get back together and I would just tell all of my friends he was mentally ill and that's why he acted like a douchebag.  Oh well, snap!  Thanks, dude, but you're still a douchebag and I wouldn't take you back if you were the last guy on earth.  I could have strangled that fucking therapist.  But that became his crutch.  Oh thank God I don't have to take responsibility for my actions because I have just been handed this diagnosis explaining why I act the way I do!!

I feel like food addiction or not exercising or any of the unhealthy habits I have are the same thing.  Yes, I may battle issues.  Yes, they may be the reason I am the way I am.  But it doesn't take the responsibility off of me to fix myself.  I may need help from my therapist, my friends, my family.  But it's still ME who has to fix it.  I mean, I can certainly walk around the rest of my life using food addiction as a crutch.  But that won't really get me anywhere, now, will it?

7 comments:

  1. I agree.. I have had years dealing with depression and then decided to take an active role in my life and bam the depression went away.

    Self-help by it's very definition is beginning within to make/accept the changes needed to be happy.

    Personally, I relate mental illnesses to a high form of narcissism. It seems so easy to be able to blame another and not to have to take accountability for one's own actions or choices..

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  2. As someone who has worked with the mentally ill i have not ever alloweed their illness to be an excuse or cructch to disrespect me or anyone else. All I instilled in them is to work around their illness. For example if they feel they are getting angry, and most the time dont even know what they are feeling, they will take a break. I worked with them when it came to everything you would do inside your home to helping them at work. I have an ex now that, like yours, wanted me back after 10 yr spout of bi-polar, and im like no!
    cause i do feel it maybe the cause but doesnt mean your not responsible for your own actions.
    I hold myself accountable for my actions regardless if both my parents and other relatives are addicts. I still have to watch everything I do, cause I just have an addictive personality. all the best to you my friend! :-)

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  3. It does seem easier to say, hey that's not my fault. I have "hey that's not my fault"ed my way all the way up to 350 pounds and back. It's like when I would "cheat" on Weight Watchers, then exclaim loudly when the scale didn't move, "But I was SO good this week!!" The only person I'm hurting when I do stupid stuff is ME! Anyway, thank you both for the comments. I appreciate them. :-)

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  4. I think that understanding our reasons for behaving one way can often open us up to choosing new and different options. I don't believe in excuses and "It's not my fault", but I also think the whole "What's your excuse" thing often gets people down on themselves without giving them any new choices.

    We don't just have to live with things because they're "reasons" - if the very real constraint of not having enough hours in the day is the reason I haven't been doing X, I can either think about how I can reorganize and reprioritize my life (which may include some really tough choices!) or I can choose to live with the consequences, and let go of that particular goal.

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    1. My point being - the idea of "reasons" gives us something to work with without the harsh negative judgment of "excuses".

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  6. I like it. And I do feel like I need to understand the reason I do things to help me change. But I try not to rely TOO much on it, like it's a crutch and I can't change. If that makes sense. :-)

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