Friday, June 8, 2012

The Buck Stops Here

This has been a rough week for me.  I have recently recognized that I carry around a ridiculous amount of anger.  Since most people only see the public-me, they would have no idea that I'm really just one pissed off little chicken more often than not.  I realize that my anger paralyzes me.  It creeps into my relationships, both with Rob and with friends.  It causes me to overeat.  It makes me sleep crappy at night.  And the more I stuff it down, the worse my other issues get.  At my regular therapy session this week, I finally said that I need to start dealing with my anger issues.  I'm not a punch-the-wall kind of angry person, so I don't even think I knew I was angry. 

I have been going to therapy for about three years.  I really do like my therapist but she can really only help  me as much as I will allow her.  And if I'm not pissed off about something at the exact moment I go to therapy, I don't always open up about a lot of my issues.  Not even because I'm trying to hold back but because I am not pissed off about anything right then.  Sure, she knows I'm mad about how my mom has treated me in the past.  And she knows I struggle with my role as the breadwinner at home.  And she's well aware of my shopping and food addictions.  And we talk about that stuff.  But I'm never mad enough to TALK about that stuff when I go in.

Here, on this blog, I have talked a little more openly about issues.  I have admitted I deal with depression and talked extensively about food addition and eating disorders.  What lacks in most of my dealings with my issues is my responsibility in it.  I decided in therapy just this week that I needed to stop playing the role of the victim and take responsibility for myself.  I CHOOSE to be where I am at this very moment.  I am not forced to live with Rob or work out of my boss' house.  I am there completely voluntarily.  I CHOOSE to pick up a bag of jellybeans when I am stressed out and consume 1,400 calories over the course of 48 hours.  No one forced me to go into the store.  I CHOOSE to skip workouts when I am tired or grumpy.  I can say the words that I know I am responsible but I haven't actually taken responsibility for them.

So then yesterday happened.  I just had a bad day.  I skipped lunch and decided it was the right time to have a very long and intense conversation with Rob about our relationship.  I then went to have my blood drawn and they took A LOT of blood.  The dang thing didn't seem to want to stop bleeding and I almost bled through the gauze she hooked me up with.  When I got home, I finally ate something (at like 3:30 p.m.) but I was exhausted.  I had a horrible headache.  So I took a nap around 3:45.  I slept until 4:15.  I woke up and went back to work for a little bit.  Then I laid down again and slept from 5 until 6.  Then again from 6:30 to 7:15.  I had planned to go to yoga, but I was so exhausted.  I was in that weird state where your head feels heavy, you're dizzy and slightly confused about where you are.  I finally pulled it together and got in the car at 7:45 to head to an 8 PM yoga class.  When I pulled up, there were no other cars in the lot.  I actually thought to myself, maybe I will get a private class -- this might be fun!

Let me back up.  I recently started going to Umang's Wellness Haven thanks to a Groupon.  As a small business advocate, I hate Groupon.  As a consumer, I love it (duh!).  Today, I am thanking Groupon for introducing me to Umang.  I have been to about six yoga classes at her studio.  I love her energy and how enthusiastic she is during her classes.  She ends each class by sending you on your way with laughter.  After the first time or two of feeling silly as you belly laugh with the class, you learn to appreciate leaving with a smile on your face. 

So last night, I arrived to an empty studio.  I ask Umang if she will still hold class.  She says, of course.  We sit and wait for late arrivals, and start to talk.  Maybe I looked sad and puffy from crying and sleeping on and off all afternoon.  Maybe I was just extra sensitive and needing an understanding ear.  But we were somehow immediately thrown into my history -- the gastric bypass, my issues with food and Rob, and, of course, my relationship with my mom.  And then I did what I hate -- I cried.  I hate crying, especially in public.  But I was feeling all girly last night and apparently I needed to let it out.  Umang said you should absolutely let it out.  So many people stuff their feelings and don't deal with emotions as they come up.  So many of us walk around probably full to the brim with untouched emotions, just waiting for some slight trigger to set us off.  As I looked around at the empty room, and cried my sad little tears of frustration and anger, I told Umang that I had had a hard time getting myself up to come to yoga but now I realized it must have been meant to be.  

Umang skipped the yoga and we instead had an intense but interesting healing session.  I don't want to get too much into her technique but I opened up more in that hour with Umang than I have in my three years with my regular therapist.  I'm sure some of that has to do with my realization this week that I needed to deal with these issues, and probably right-place-right-time by showing up to yoga already angry.  But a lot of it also has to do with Umang's technique and ability to draw information out without you feeling like you've been emotionally stripped. 

At the end of the night, I was so grateful for the time Umang spent with me.  I realize that I have a lot of work to do to make myself believe that I truly can control my issues (we worked on one issue in particular, which I believe will actually clear up many other issues if I can truly let it go).  We came up with an action plan that I am actually going to implement this weekend.  I left feeling empowered and less weighted down. 

I think many of us walk around with issues, telling ourselves that we've been that way our entire lives and nothing will change.  Many of us go to therapy week after week, with nothing actually changing.  If you are looking for a way to really delve into your issues, I would challenge you to set up just one appointment with Umang (or someone like her if you don't live in the Bay Area).  You will be surprised at how fast you get to the root of the problem and come up with ways to solve it. 

Here is the opening post for Umang's blog:

You can buy Umang's book, A Journey of Self Revelation HERE

I have to believe a higher power had something to do with me actually dragging myself into yoga last night and no one else showing up.  I want to thank Umang again for the time she spent with me last night.  I really feel like I have a new direction and am ready to face my issues head on.  Finally! 


  1. I love how life connects us to people and moments right when we need them most. Glad to hear that you are feeling better. :)

  2. Do you ever marvel at the timing of the universe? Just today I decided it's time I can be more emotionally open and vulnerable in sharing my journies with therapy in my blog and here you are doing the same. I am so glad that I found you on the internet. So glad. I'm thrilled that you had such a breakthrough and I really hope it's a step toward transformation for you.

    1. I have to believe that nothing happens by chance. This happens to me all the time. :-))))) I hope that your journey is going well!!!