Friday, January 4, 2013

Coming to terms...

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my rant yesterday.  I realize I'm known for over-sharing but I do feel like someone has been through "it" (whatever "it" is at that moment) and will have something to share about what I'm going through that might help.  I really appreciate all of the messages and comments I received.  I truly adore everyone who is on this journey with me. 

So I have been thinking of how to "fix" my situation.  Sitting around on my ass isn't helping.  I think I have let so many things be "out of my hands."  I had a job that wasn't particularly challenging (but allowed me to work from home, which was nice).  Now I have a very stressful job and a long commute (which I am not loving a ton either).  My weight.  My money issues.  My relationship.  I don't take responsibility for anything, it seems. 

I fully believe I should be medicated but hate how anti-depressants react in my body.  The ones that make my brain feel better make my body fat.  Then there are the ones that don't make me fat but make me unable to sleep or sweat so profusely that it looks like I'm constantly walking around straight out of the shower.  I have tried some "over the counter" natural type remedies.  5HTP messed with my dreams.  I am currently trying DHEA, but haven't been on it long enough to report anything.  I am also going to try increasing my magnesium intake.  I take GABA for anxiety.  I take a sublingual, which helps when I'm in the middle of a "freak-out." 

I don't feel like I'm a lazy person but I don't love exercise, that's for sure.  I don't get that "WOWWEEEEEE" feeling that exercise-addicts seem to report.  But I do know I feel better when I exercise, and I sleep better too.  I'm no couch potato either.  I get up at 5:30 AM on the week days.  Sure, I usually lay around and whine to myself about how I hate mornings for about 30 minutes.  Sounds like a waste of time but I just don't pop out of bed (Rob said the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is frown).  I then have about half an hour to workout.  Lately, thanks to my plantar fasciitis, exercise consists of some stretching and massaging of my foot.  Then I get ready for work.  I am out the door by 7:45 AM so I can catch the train to San Francisco.  Sure, I could workout on my lunch hour, but I sweat like a pig, so I would definitely have to shower, and it seems like a lot of effort for a very short workout.  I get off work at 5:00 PM and walk back to the train.  I get home around 6:00 PM. 

This is where life gets fun.  On Monday nights, I teach at Twirly Girls.  So I have just enough time to shove some food in my face, change my clothes, then drive 25 miles to class.  On a "normal" day, I should be getting ready to get in bed by 9:00 or 9:30 PM.  However, my class is from 8:00 to 9:00.  By the time I clean up, drop off carpoolers and get home, it's usually 10:00 PM.  Tuesday nights, I have yoga at 8:00 PM (at least it's close to home).  Wednesday nights, I have a standing meeting from 7:00 to 8:00 PM.  Thursdays I do try to leave open (and have the option of taking yoga that evening as well).  By Friday, I'm toast.  I really try not to make Friday plans.  I do really enjoy Afro-Haitian class on Friday nights, but haven't made it in a few months.  I get off work at 5:00 PM in San Francisco.  I then have to find something to do for two-plus hours.  Class is at 7:30 PM (also in San Francisco so I can't go home in between).  It usually isn't out until close to 9:00 PM.  Then we have to hike back to BART and take the train home.  Even if we don't stop to eat dinner, we aren't home until 10:00 PM. 

So, I only get a few hours from when I get home until when I should be getting in bed to get a full night's sleep.  I need my full night of sleep.  I am not one of those people who can "survive" off five hours.  I survive off seven, but really need eight and a half.  I find it a huge waste of time, but haven't found a way around sleep (and, no, I don't drink coffee, nor do I intend to start drinking it as a sleep replacement).  If I do watch TV at night, I am usually multi-tasking, either writing blogs or articles, or playing Angry Birds. 

Saturday mornings, I am trying to get back into the swing of taking class at Twirly Girls.  I love Twirly Girls and wish I lived closer.  Twenty-five miles doesn't sound TOO far, but it's a 40 minute drive without traffic.  So, running over to the studio for class or to blow off steam is never a quick trip.  I have to plan it, and thanks to high gas prices and the fact that I drive a gas-guzzler, I can't do it as often as I'd like.  Sunday mornings, I take a great yoga class.  It's a good strengthening stretch class.  I like those multi-tasking classes.  I need a good stretch but I love building strength at the same time.  Then over the weekend, I get to cram in all the other stuff I no longer can do on work-at-home days, or lunch, or right after work since I get home later.  Laundry, groceries, vet visits for two sick cats, cleaning, organizing, cooking, writing, birthdays, socializing, workshops, etc.  If I had a dollar for every friend laying a guilt trip that I don't hang out enough, I'd be rich.  I'm hardly out there having social hour on the weekends.  I'm usually doing shit that isn't fun but has to get done, and I'm missing a lot of fun stuff because I have to get my errands and other chores done. 

Even if I did throw some laundry or errands on the back burner, and I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but there does become a point where I have to ask myself if spending ALL of my waking spare time trying to shove in exercise is worth it if that's ALL I ever do?!  I need to live at some point and I feel like I'm not doing that right now.

And, not to change the subject, but to get back to my issues with "dieting" and extreme exercise.  I really don't know if my crazy brain won't "allow" me to do that stuff or if I'm just making excuses.  You can't fail if you don't try, right?!  I guess I'm mostly just tired of everyone insisting that their way is the best way.  You know the best way?  The one you stick with.  I don't count calories and haven't for the better part of a year.  I do have a general understanding of how many calories I SHOULD eat and what food to eat to stay within that range.  I also have a desk full of candy, which is my downfall as soon as I feel a little stressed out.  It is why I am failing (it's not like I eat pizza and donuts all day, so it's the "snacking" that is getting me).  Don't tell me to remove the candy from the situation.  I will get my chubby ass out of my chair and walk across the street to buy some when I'm super stressed out, so I might as well make it convenient for myself so I'm not taking candy breaks with the smokers. 

I did receive a lot of great suggestions for different types of websites to check out.  Some to help with self-esteem.  Others to help with spirituality.  I am definitely looking into them.

As most of you know, I already follow  I don't agree with everything Ragen says, but I do agree with 95% of it, and I respect what she's trying to do.  At the end of the day, all people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. 

Look, I know I'm crazy.  I know that 90% of my misery is created right up there in my little pea brain.  It doesn't make it any less real as I'm going through it.  I have to make myself come to terms with a few things though. 

1.     I have to work because I have to make money.  Sure, I may have picked an industry that gets off on mentally abusing their employees, but that's why I make the big bucks.  I am hoping for a lottery win but, until then, it's off to the BART every day for me.

2.     I have to exercise.  Daily.  No excuses.  Until my foot is better, running isn't an option.  And I don't want to spend a ton of money on a gym.  So maybe I just do yoga in my front room.  It has to happen though.

3.     I have to monitor my food.  No calorie counting, but the candy consumption needs to go down.  No joke. 

4.     I have to work on my relationship.  I am so wrapped up in my own anger and bullshit that I push away the one person I should be leaning on for support. 

5.     I need to kick the negativity.  It is literally ruining me.  I get bogged down in a spiral of hate and anger that can throw me into a fit of tears like a two year old. 

Again, I do appreciate all of the positive comments I have received.  I really am going to put some effort into being a more positive person, which I hope translates into a lot of this stuff fixing itself.  My first goal is to read a positive message to myself every morning, and truly embrace it that day.  If you have any great websites that you use for positive messages, please send them my way.

Thanks for listening (again).  :-D

P.S.  I realize that many of you are still receiving a notice from your web browser that my blog is associated with Vertical's worm/bug issue.  I have gone through all the Google webmaster tools to remove any potential threat, and Google's tools are telling me my site is safe and contains no viruses.  I have removed any links and banners related to Vertical.  Yet Google's browser is still catching the potential "threat."  From what I understand, no one has caught any viruses from my site, but I am still working on fixing whatever the hell is causing the warning.  Thanks for your patience, and for the notes letting me know that it's still an issue.  I am working on it!!  :-)


  1. Way to go! Sending a lot of positive vibes thoughts ect your way. You can get back on track I know it :) It's hard and it seems like you well your almost 100% like me which is kind of scary cuz sometimes I hate being me I push people away too and its alwasy the positive ones never the negitive one. Good luck and its a new year you have a whole lot more time to get a better outlook :).

  2. Perfect timing for me to see this. haha. Here's a post from Michael Moore on Facebook:

    Michael Moore · 715,285 like this
    December 31, 2012 at 12:27pm

    I am now in Week 42 of my walks. Each day, 30 minutes, that's it. Thousands of you have joined me since that Sunday night on March 18 when, as a joke, I said I was going for a walk. I had read that morning in the paper that there were now more people in the U.S. on anti-depressants than those who go to the movies. I tweeted out that maybe that's the problem -- perhaps if people got out and went to the movies more they might feel better. This unleashed a lively conversation about mood-aletering drugs, the lousy movies these days in theaters, the rip-off prices for 3D films, etc. Finally, someone wrote: "Sometimes I think what I need is just a brisk walk." I tweeted, "Hey, there's an idea! I'm putting my shoes on right now." I went out and came back home after 30 minutes -- and a few hundred of you had amazingly joined me where you live. So I went walking the next night, probably out of some sort of obligation because so many had written to say "please let's do it again tonight!" So I did. And the night after that. By the end of the week it was hard to determine how many thousands were now going out with me on these "virtual walks" in hundreds of cities and towns, but it had taken off like a rocket and so we all went walking every night from that point on.

    Now it's 250 days later. What a simple, great idea that person had! Some have asked, "Why are we walking?" "What's the cause?" There is no cause other than to go for a walk. We do it just because it feels good. We do it because we can. We do it because it's free and it takes no time. All you need to know is how to put one foot in front of the other (or, for the disabled who've joined in, by any means necessary). It's the perfect slacker/schlub activity.

    I am often asked "How much weight have you lost from all this walking?" For a while I didn't understand the question. I mean, why would I want to lose anything? I have enough trouble finding my keys! Then I got it -- skinny people (1/3 of the country) want us, the majority, to be like them. That's so nice of them.


  3. Part 2:

    But the truth is, exercise does not work, diets do not work, feeling crummy does not work. Nothing works. My advice: Quit trying to be something you're not, be happy with the life you've been given, and just go for a pleasant walk outside. With me. Wherever you are. Get off the treadmill, stop drinking diet Coke, throw out all the rules. It's all a scam and it conspires to keep you miserable. If it says "low-fat" or "sugar-free" or "just 100 calories!" throw it out. Remember, one of the main tenets of capitalism is to have the consumer filled with fear, insecurity, envy and unhappiness so that we can spend, spend, spend our way out of it and, dammit, just feel better for a little while. But we don't, do we? The path to happiness - and deep down, we all know this -- is created by love, and being kind to oneself, sharing a sense of community with others, becoming a participant instead of a spectator, and being in motion. Moving. Moving around all day. Lifting things, even if it's yourself. Going for a walk every day will change your thinking and have a ripple effect. You'll find yourself only eating when you're truly hungry. And if you're not hungry, go clean your room, or have sex, or call a friend on the phone. Without knowing it, you'll starting eating like the French (there is no French word for "fast-food") -- and you will feel better. You do not feel better admonishing yourself or beating yourself up or setting up a bunch of unrealistic rules and goals with all the do's and dont's that are just begging to be broken. You wanna know something? I eat ice cream every friggin' day. I drink a regular Coke every single day. I put butter on things. But I also walk every day. Some days now, I walk twice. And now I've started to do some push-ups and lifting stuff. It's building muscle, and in doing so, has created an extra furnace to burn stuff and create energy. Weird! That, in turn, makes me sleep 7-8 hours a night which is another game-changer. And all the walking and lifting makes me thirsty, so that makes me drink more water -- another huge plus!

    So, you can see from the photo of me up in the box that something has changed. I have no idea how much weight I've lost and I don't care. I don't care about that or diets or home gym equipment or rules about what I can or cannot eat or anything other than making sure I go on my walk today. That's it. That's the big secret. It costs nothing. I feel great. I can see my feet! There they are! Hello, feet! Wanna go for a walk? The feet say YES! Ask yours right now. And if you want, join me. But do NOT go on that walk with me if you are doing so to "get fit", "be healthy", or "lose weight". You are fine just the way you are. Only walk outside with me right now because you know it might just feel good, because it's a beautiful day, or someone is joining in with you, the fresh air is invigorating, you have to drive down to the drug store but you realize you can walk there, or simply because it's just nice to be alive for one more day. Walk to walk and nothing else -- and the other stuff will take care of itself.

    I'm heading outside in an hour. Join me. And let me know how it went!

    1. I love this! i never heard about it until now. I love his perception on doing it just to make yourself happy. It's a very freeing thing to do things for the joy of it without the pressure. I think this is what pole dancing is for many. Thanks for sharing that!

    2. Yeah I need more smile time and less frowny time. lol. I need to move more for sure.

  4. its always great to write things down and clarify in your mind what plan you need to follow. be kind to yourself. you can't be everything to everyone. if your friends are guilt tripping you explain to them that your health and work is a priority. if they arent understanding then its on them not you!
    on a purely practical level, i find dealing with the snack monster difficult too. maybe aim to have 1-2 snack days a week instead of it being an everyday thin (ie. in the drawer). It sounds really silly but i used to buy my 'junk' and portion it out into controllable portions and get my hubby to hide them. he'd get out 1-2 bags or whatever when i desparately needed it! it was like giving drugs to a junkie!
    Good luck! Remember theres no such thing as failure. every 'mistake' is just an opportunity to learn and improve next time :D

    1. Yes, the snacking is definitely an issue. I know this isn't the best fix yet but I've just been bringing lower calorie lunches. Since I love snacking so much, I figure I can lose some calories there for now. :-)

  5. So, I read your rant yesterday. I've read your follow-up today. And now I'm wondering... why you don't quite love yourself as much as we love you? Rant away Sister. Not gonna stop loving the amazing person you are. Do what you feel you must, but put it in the back of your mind that there are a few of us, no matter what, think you're pretty damn awesome and it hurts to know you are hurting. Sending aloha hugs your way.

    1. Awww, Trixie, you're so sweet. I really can't answer it. I feel like my brain just wasn't made right. Some days, I feel great. Others, I feel like jumping off a cliff. It's scary. I just try to tell myself when times get rough that its eemporary. And then once I'm through it, I realize how silly it was to feel that way. Yet I go through it over and over again. Silly brain. :-/