Tuesday, April 28, 2015

You have such a pretty face...

Probably the biggest insult you can give a large woman is to tell them they have a pretty face.  The insinuation, of course, is that the rest of their body is not attractive.  But their saving grace in life is their pretty, albeit also fat, face.  If only they could stop feeding their fat face holes and allow the rest of their body to catch up...  If only.  I cringe every time I hear that "compliment."

Last weekend, I was on a panel with the rest of the ladies from Chunky Girl Comics, as well as other awesome panel members (I'll be posting about that soon).  I talked about working toward not being at war with my body anymore.  I felt like I was close.  But, as it turns out, I'm nowhere near there.  I had been doing well last year.  I was following Ellen's nutrition plan.  I had cut most of the sugar out of my life and had lost 20 pounds (the focus being on becoming healthy, not losing weight).  I felt pretty good.  Then Halloween showed up last year and I started slowly circling the drain.  One tiny piece of candy turned into two turned into ten.  My food choices stayed decent so I didn't completely lose control, but the sugar slowly snuck back into my life.  Then I got a new job.  Longer hours.  No longer the ability to run home at lunch and easily eat my home-prepared healthy meals.  Still.  I did okay.  Sure, I would eat out a little more than I did before, but I wasn't back on fast food full time or anything.

If you have never dealt with an eating disorder or addiction, I don't know how to describe the feeling that I would get.  Antsy.  Always antsy.  There has to be something I should be eating every hour of the day.  I feel like my insides are always vibrating and my mind never rests.  And the topic at hand is always food.  It is exhausting.  When the sugar was gone, that feeling was gone.  But enough sugar has returned that the feeling has as well.  So I haven't felt well-rested in quite awhile.  And I have been on the edge of a binge for awhile now.

Then last week, my mom was looking through old photos and group texting the family probably 80+ old photos.  One was me from 2005.  When I was at my thinnest.  Holy hell, I did not anticipate my response.  Frustration.  Anger.  Sadness.  Guilt.  Less than a week before, I was telling everyone to love their body.  There I was laying in bed, seething over that photo.  At myself.  It's not like my mom sent it to upset me.  Why me?  Why do I have to struggle with food and weight issues?  Why aren't my brothers and sisters fat?  We ate the same food, so even if you blame the incorporation of processed foods in the 60's and 70's, why did my body react that way but theirs didn't?  I realize there are a million factors that go into how my body processes food.  I also realize that, due to issues from my childhood, I probably internalized anger and ate my feelings.  My brain gets it.  But it doesn't at the same time.

I recently made the mind-body connection.  I have also been listening to some podcasts from the Institute of Eating Psychology.  One lady's story was mine to the T.  Except she's 20 years older.  I don't want to continue to fight this battle when I'm 60!  I realize life is a journey, not a destination.  But I am tired of fighting.  I guess every time I have one of these melt downs, they get shorter and my recovery happens sooner.  Let's hope that is the case this time.  I'm ready to continue on my journey toward good health and happiness.


2 comments:

  1. I am right there with you! Christ, I do not want to be fighting this fight forever. Do you have any podcast you recommend?

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    1. I listen to the Psychology of Eating podcast. I'm trying to come up with money to do their 8 week program. It's online. I found a program here that is 11 weeks and would be covered by my insurance but I'd have to ask work to leave an hour early four days a week. I don't want to do that yet. Plus, it seems to focus on modeling good eating habits. I know how to eat healthy. I need to figure out how to tell my brain to stop craving sugar.

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