Friday, March 17, 2017

My 13th New-Birthday

On this date (St. Patrick's Day), 13 years ago, I was under a shit ton of anesthesia, having my insides completely rearranged -- all to be skinny.  Unlucky number 13.  The number 13 has such a bad reputation.  I mean, some hotels don't have a 13th floor, as if the 14th floor can't figure out they are still getting screwed?!  I refuse to give it that much evil power.  In numerology, the number 13 is about purification.  Although it symbolizes death, it is also about passing on to a higher level of existence.  I feel like this 13th year is actually going to be a great year -- as I have been learning about myself and growing as a person -- I hope to continue that trend for the foreseeable future.

I have been going through old blogs to prepare for this one, and it was funny re-watching myself transform from pro-surgery to pro-what-the-fuck-did-I-do-to-myself.  I almost skipped writing again this year to commemorate my new-birthday.  I am still in a weird place. 

This surgery changed me completely.  I had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight and "be healthy."  I was told that if I didn't lose weight, I would die a fat death of all the fat diseases.  So, at 27, I went under the knife to "save my life."  So, isn't it interesting that most of my health problems are now related to the malabsorption from the surgery?  I've gone over this a million times in other blogs, so I won't rehash it much here.  (You can read about my surgery HERE and vitamins HERE.)
Addiction transfer has become a very real problem in my life.  I've started to see a trend, mostly switching between food and spending money (you can read my latest blog about that HERE).  (THIS blog also touches on the addiction aspect, as well as the body image issues.)  They said this surgery would fix me.  Why am I not fixed?  I guess the first step is to say I was never broken in the first place.  It takes a lot of energy to be broken.  I feel a lot less anxiety now that I've decided I'm not broken and never was.  Sure, I still deal with some anxiety, but I can usually trace that back to eating too much sugar, or PMS'ing.  Sure, I have some things about myself that I would like to change, but I'm not a broken human being.  I wake up every day to go to a job I enjoy, I am surrounded by a good group of friends and family.  I have enough money to do fun things.  As I love to say, my life doesn't suck. 


Back to those old blogs.  HERE is my six year update.  I was still very much pro-surgery and weight loss.  I was rambling about needing to get my cardio in to lose weight.  I'm sure I was counting calories.  Not much changed the next year.  I gathered up all my old posts about surgery.  You can read the seven year update HERE.  My eight year update from 2012 can be found HERE.  I was still battling my weight.  Still unhappy.  That is the year I went to the job from hell in San Francisco (in October).  My nine year update is HERE.  I really hated that job and I was starting to have issues with plantar fasciitis (bone spurs in the feet, most likely from calcium deficiency due to the surgery).  I was gaining weight from being unhappy, eating crap food in San Francisco, and not exercising as much.  My favorite lunch was a grilled cheese sandwich with macaroni in the middle of it...with a cookie on the side!  Divine.  Plus, I was picking up cupcakes from the Cupkates truck at least once a week.  I feel like year ten was a turning point for me.  You can tell a little in the blog post (which you can read HERE), but leaving that job was the first step in changing my life into the life I wanted.  I skipped year 11, but my 12th anniversary post is HERE.  I'm on the right path.  Finally.  In February 2015, I got the job I have now -- a job I really enjoy with people I like.  I had started working with Ellen in 2014 to make myself healthier and was continuing to make changes (you can read a post about that HERE).  In August 2015, I got out of a relationship that wasn't working for me.  Years 11 and 12 were big years in the emotional health and personal growth departments.  Nothing like waiting until you're 40 to get it figured out! 

Nude Artista in 2017 with Roz the Diva
So, let's get back to this 13th surgiversary thing.  I'm in a good place.  I won't lie.  I'd still like to lose a few more pounds, but I'm not obsessing over it.  Please don't ask me to explain why I still want to be thinner, when I've just spent a ton of time explaining that thinner doesn't mean happier.  I just do. 
I feel like I lay out all of my emotions on this blog more often than not.  Is anyone sick of my emo shit yet?!  I appreciate the outlet, but I do have a lot more fun than it probably seems.  My weight doesn't define me.  I do look forward to continuing to grow into a person who doesn't just say she has no fucks to give about what people think about her body, but actually does have no fucks to give.  Here's to a year of no fucks!  Wait.  That didn't come out right.  Here's to a year of being more awesome, having more fun, and loving the life that I have!  But let's have plenty of fuc...well, you know what I mean. 



  1. I know I would love to lose a few pounds--I hate that's what society does to us. But, pole dancing at any age/size is so inspirational!

  2. Wow do I relate on so many levels to this Lori. I had a shit load of complications, I am still sort of crazy, and many of the stressors that were in my life that were robbing my joy and keeping me 400 lbs are still there. I love that I can move better, wear "normal" clothes, breathe while I sleep, not have diabetes, and feel a bit more "normal" Not sure exactly what that is??? Maybe it is just that I don't stand out like I did at 400 lbs? My surgeon said he could fix the plumbing but the "wiring" was up to me. I have been 5'9, 140 lbs and likely anorexic and 420 lbs and disabled. I have been 180 lbs and an athlete. What I have never been is content. Content would be great.

    1. I know this is a journey and not a destination but content is where I finally am (more days than not). :)