Thursday, August 24, 2017

It's Not Me, It's You

There is so much power in being broken. It isn't your fault when you're a victim. No responsibility for your own actions, or how you allow others to treat you. You are merrily skipping along the dark path in your lush red cape when the Big, Bad Wolf comes along and eats you. It wasn't your fault. You were merely an innocent victim. Never mind the worst tracker in the world could have picked up on the fact that the wolf was behind you for miles, crunching leaves and breathing down your neck.

I had a pretty epic meltdown on Facebook last night. Recently, I deleted probably 1,000 Facebook "friends," so at least it wasn't as public as my last epic meltdown. Yesterday, I was hurt by someone I loved. Actually, not by him. I was hurt by a post I saw on Facebook, and my reaction was to immediately lash out at him. My behavior was completely out of line. It is not to take responsibility  off of anyone else. He and I have been having issues for awhile and have been hurting each other back and forth. After a bad interaction several months ago with the other person who posted, I question whether she posted on purpose knowing it would bother me. Who knows. Maybe I am just too far in victim mode to realize it was never about me and I chose to react rather than take a breather before responding. Then the dreaded "de-friending" on Facebook happened. The break is finally done. And I was devastated. 

So I posted that shit on Facebook. But not, like, what was really happening. Some vague shit so people could think I was being dark and mysterious, but still feel bad for my pathetic ass.

I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Literally, I lost three pounds yesterday, and that could only have come from dehydration -- snot and tears. I got in bed as soon as I got home and cried and texted and texted and cried. I was in that dark place, the place where the pain is SO deep that you can honestly see how people commit suicide. Your moment of weakness comes and you think, if you just take those pills, the pain goes away and you can be free. Without the babies, I would have taken those pills last night. I would have done anything to make that pain in my head and chest stop. I don't think I have ever in my life felt so dark. And for what? A failed relationship? Shit happens, lady.  Put your big girl panties on and get back to living.

People called me to make sure I was okay.  I received tons of messages last night from friends, telling me exactly what I thought my bruised ego needed to hear. "You're fucking awesome!" "Don't let this get you down!" "He's a jerk, you deserve better!" "Keep your head up!"

And you know what? It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel like shit. Because, in reality, I'm not upset with him. Or her. I'm upset with myself. My behavior was ridiculous and completely out of line for a 40 year old woman. Granted, I didn't drive to his house and slash his tires or anything, but I was an asshole to him, and I took my personal drama to the fucking internet and let everyone see my crazy.

But seriously, fuck Facebook. Fuck Facebook for letting that stupid ass post show up in my feed. Fuck me for falling for it and reacting, then needing that dopamine high from every response I received. Why do we rely so heavily on Facebook for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.? All I wanted to do last night was delete Facebook from my life. But, NCPP is in two days and I use Facebook for that. And, my family and friends are on Facebook, and it is so easy to  keep in touch there. And...and...but...but...

I'm embarrassed about how I acted. I apologized to him, but the damage is done. Our friendship (if we were going to be able to salvage one) will never be the same. What makes a grown ass woman act like a 16 year old girl? I don't feel powerful in victim mode. The more people I talked to about what was happening, the worse I felt. I was supposed to be happy hearing everyone telling me that I'm amazing and my knight in shining armor is right around the corner. The truth is, I don't need a man to make me happy, and I don't like the person I've become recently. My power comes from realizing that and taking control of my life again.

I spent many years -- mostly my late 20's and all of my 30's -- not feeling good emotions. I had two relationships where I was not in love even a little bit. I was angry. I walked away from those relationships -- which collectively spanned a decade -- without shedding a single tear. The last couple of years, I have really changed how I show up in the world. I feel less angry and I opened myself up to feeling love. I guess in the process, that means I also had to open myself up to feeling hurt. Anger seems so much easier. I don't know why.

I've been reading a lot of books about love and relationships, especially about attachment styles, and why we act the way we do. So reasonable-me understands why I acted the way I did. Apparently my story isn't so special. Seemingly awesome, independent, confident, successful women get into unhealthy relationships and turn "psycho" all the time. I don't want to be that statistic. And I recognize I'm here further sharing my personal bullshit with the world, but writing is cathartic for me. I need to get things out so they don't fester and cause me to blow up. Case in point: last night.

So, for anyone who witnessed last night, I am sorry. I am trying to say I'm sorry less for things I shouldn't apologize for, but I need to apologize for my behavior.  I deleted the post but a lot of people saw it. I am a professional woman who has somehow managed to get up and dress myself every day, and build a decent career in the legal field. I know better. For anyone who texted, called, messaged, posted on Facebook, etc. -- thank you. I didn't mean to make light of your kind words above. I appreciate every single one of them. I just realized I was using them to stay in victim mode. This morning, I am taking my power back. I have a life full of awesome people and adventures and I am always grateful for that. But even Wonder Woman needs to have a vulnerable moment every once in awhile. 

And to him, even though I can't imagine he will ever see this...I am sorry. I know that probably won't mean anything today, but I take responsibility for my contribution to the downfall of our relationship and friendship. You taught me a lot about love and what I want for myself. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

2 comments:

  1. Dear, dear Lori,

    Susan Ortiz here...While I know nothing about what went down that caused all of this, I took every word you wrote here and sat with it for awhile, feeling empathy for you because I know I, too, have hung my hat on the "victim" role from time to time in my life. None of it is comfortable, none of it is gratifying, and perhaps the reason why is because that is not who we truly are...but what we are is human. In fact, I would have to say you are an extraordinary human. Why? Because you turned around and faced the situation and owned your part of things...publicly. As publicly as whatever it is that went down publicly that caused all of this. That takes courage...raw, painful, self-examination is not for the faint of heart yet you did just that. Taking ownership of our actions when everything is great and wonderful is easy, that's why most everybody does it. Taking ownership of our actions when there are negative consequences and painful emotions just doesn't happen all that often, but in my opinion it's what separates the women from the little girls - like the men from the boys - and it give us something that can't be bought or otherwise handed out, and that is integrity and character.

    So I want to make sure you understand that from where I sit, you, Lori Myers, are a woman of integrity and character...and...well, you're human. Humans are not perfect and we really muck things up from time to time, but best ones I've ever known have always picked themselves up, gathered themselves back together with head held high, and moved on...taking the lessons learned with them and leaving the rest behind.

    I appreciate you my dear, and today I appreciate you even more.

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    1. Susan, thank you so much. I do try to live my life with integrity, although I sometimes miss my mark. I am definitely human though, so I can also be kind to myself for not being perfect. And, hey, at least I didn't do anything truly stupid. I did find out later that the anti-anxiety medication I took that night has caused some pretty crazy reactions in other people. So, I don't want to say it was okay for me to act the way I did, but at least it may be part of the reason that I completely went off the deep end. I was introduced to CBD oil last week and think I will be able to avoid future freak outs! :-D

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