Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Do Not Dim Your Light For Anyone

I'm weird.  I know I'm weird.  I generally like that I'm weird.  But I'm weird.  I'm pretty loud and obnoxious.  I often make inappropriate comments and gestures that shouldn't be witnessed by children.  I feel like I'm too much for this world sometimes.  I'm always over-analyzing why I'm like this.  Grew up in a large family where you have to be loud to be heard?  Insecure so I'm covering it up by being bigger than I really need to be?  Attention whore who is trying to be cooler than I really am?  I don't know.  I'm sure there's an official diagnosis for it.  But it often leads to anxiety and depression because I know I don't always fit in even though I kind of want the cool kids to play with me.  But trying not to be weird just leads to more awkwardness, which makes me...weird.  I've never really felt like I fit in.  Square peg.  Round hole.  The world doesn't generally reward you for that. 

I remember being in a relationship years ago and I was telling a fantastical story, probably using my hands and making giant gestures, and my boyfriend at the time looked at me and said, "you are just SO loud."  Uh yeah.  Have you met me?  He also didn't like that I was fat.  But, again, have you met me?  Every time he would comment on the personality traits that I definitely had when we met, I felt the sparkle leave me a little.  When I got out of that relationship, I decided I would never dim my light for anyone again.  This isn't just about love relationships.  It is about family and friendships.  The people you attract into your life should love and appreciate you for who you are. 

So I am reminding myself, and you, that you should never dim your light for anyone else.  Sure, sometimes we have to consider our audience and censor ourselves a bit.  But, for the most part, be you. 

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