|My pinup outfit|
Post-gastric bypass, you can imagine that it might take some time to get used to a new body and clothing size. I went from 350 pounds (size 28) to 180 pounds (size 12). It was actually overwhelming to go from shopping a small store like Lane Bryant to being able to fit in clothes on multiple floors of a store like Macy's. Studies have shown that it can take your brain a year to realize your body is smaller. Therefore, you may turn sideways in a crowd to fit through an area you can actually walk straight through. Apparently, 15 years later, my brain hasn't caught up.
I was in Hawaii two weeks ago and I participated in a pinup contest. I went to a pinup clothing website and spent an insane amount of money on an outfit for this contest. I read the sizing instructions carefully, didn't believe them, sized up, and had clothes that were swimming on me. These are not clothes you want to be too large. They should have a fairly snug fit. I couldn't return them easily so I spent $200 on clothes I probably won't be able to wear again (unless I want to spend more money having them altered).
I was recently talking to a friend about body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder is when you are so obsessed with a perceived flaw that you are almost unable to function in life. I always felt like my issue was special to me being a larger person, but my friend is 111 pounds, and she battles it as well. The old me would have hated on her for thinking she's flawed or fat at that weight. The new me recognizes that we all have our issues that we are trying to deal with and I respect that this kind of shit wreaks serious havoc on our brains.
I'm actually at a weight that would historically make me feel fat and unhappy. Perhaps I've just gained muscle, but I feel great, my clothes fit fine, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror.
|Golden Gate Bridge photoshoot|
I am extremely grateful for my current mental state. I have certainly battled some serious demons in the past over how I look and feel. The truth is, I feel great.
|Sharing my fat with the world|