Saturday, September 21, 2019

This is the cry for help...

This month is National Suicide Prevention Month.  

In 2015, I lost my boss to suicide.  In 2009, the person for whom I was named took her life.  Recently, a friend's daughter took her own life as well.

When people take their lives, so many confused loved ones ask what signs they missed.  They ask, why didn't the person ask for help?  Maybe they did.  When I am struggling, I feel like I'm screaming: THIS IS MY CRY FOR HELP.  And most people are patting me on the head and telling me I'll be okay.  I want to scream: I AM NOT OKAY!  When I try to share some of my struggles with people, you watch the uncomfortableness wash over them.  What do they say?  What do they do?  Most of them do nothing.  And I can't blame them.  I don't even know what I need in that moment.  I don't need them to fix it.  I know I can do that for myself eventually.  I guess I just want someone to be there.  

Depression fucking sucks.  I don't always see it coming, but once it hits, it can be so hard to dig out of it.  I'm a functional depressive person.  I still shower every day.  I go to work.  I just feel empty and alone.  I start to lose interest in things like food or being social, and can't sleep much.  I try all the positive affirmations to help me feel better.  They don't work.  If I try to talk about it, I feel like I'm being dramatic.  If I don't talk about it, I feel like I'm drowning.  Sometimes I am laying in a dark room crying -- what you'd think depression looks like.  But a lot of the time, I'm sitting in the real world, surrounded by tons of people, feeling like I'm the only person there.  I feel like a ghost -- invisible to everyone around me.  I scream: I AM NOT F*CKING OKAY!  But no one responds.  So we put on the brave face and continue on.  Smiles for everyone.  Hey, fake it til you make it, right?  

And at the end of the day, the only person who can save you, is you. 

If you want to know what depression looks like, this is it.  

If you need help, please reach out.  The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255.


P.S.  I have a lot of amazing friends who hold space for me without pushing when I'm not in a good place.  For them, I am eternally grateful.  They have helped me through some extremely dark times.  I feel very fortunate.  Thank you.  

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