Mobility

Mobility.  I'm losing mobility.  I feel old even saying that.  Today is one year since California shut down for two weeks to "bend the curve."  Friday the 13th was the last day I was in my office working a traditional "8-5," and California issued a mass quarantine order relating to the covid-19 pandemic effective Tuesday, March 17, 2020.  Also, today is the 17th anniversary of my weight loss surgery -- a journey that helped me lose 165 pounds.  

I have had so many surgeries in my lifetime.  Ten times, I have gone under anesthesia to allow a surgeon to cut into my body, sometimes having multiple procedures during the surgery.  Each cut is a scar.  Each scar locks my body down a little bit more.  You know, when my plastic surgeon did my "arm lift," he cut a "Z" into my arm pit.  This was so that I wouldn't lose the ability to raise my arms over my head.  Whenever I get a new massage therapist, even when I warn them, I feel them pause dramatically when they get to my lower body lift scar.  The scar itself is thin and well-done, so looking at it isn't all that exciting.  However, when you touch it, you can feel the thick scar tissue underneath.  It holds one part of my body tight, pushing gained fat into weird places my body normally wouldn't have carried it.  

The last year has been rough.  I've gained weight (with fat in places I've never seen it squish into before).  This is certainly not the highest post-gastric bypass weight I've ever been, but I'm not trying to make that a contest.  However, when I look at photos of myself from just a year ago, I can tell a huge difference (no pun intended).  In the world of loving your body, I know I shouldn't judge myself, but let's be real -- I'm judging myself (plus I feel like crap and everything hurts).  I'm not moving as much.  I'm consuming too much sugar.  My knees and hips ache.  My hamstrings are weak and short.  My calves are knotted.  My core is weak.  My mid-back hurts (if I'm being honest, so does my lower back).  I'm pretty sure I have a SLAP tear.  I shuffle like an old lady when I first stand up.  I couldn't squat without intense pain.  My hips are so tight, that thinking I could handle frog pose is a fun little joke I play on myself (which is a move I could do ten short years ago).  My new neck pain is sometimes unbearable.  I assumed it was my pillow and have tried all different brands.  I used the foam roller and a lacrosse ball for self-massage.  I saw a chiropractor and did all the exercises to strengthen my back, which was supposed to lead to less strain on my neck.  Didn't really help.  Finally, I saw a physical/massage therapist.  Her brand of massage is more therapy - what I imagine Thai massage might be like.  She contorts me into strange positions, then starts to work out the knots.  When I first walked into her office, she said, your chest is pulling your entire body forward!  She's right.  My shoulders and back round forward, toward all of those scars around my chest, arms and side, which is putting strain on my neck.  The two types of mesh anchored to my insides aren't helping either.  It all hurts.  All the time.  

2019

My running joke for years has been how I will feel like I'm doing the craziest, deepest backbend and someone will take a photo, and I will just be standing up stick straight.  In fact, I bought this little contraption that you can lay on that will give you a little back arch.  I figured it would be good to use if I'm going to be doing something like watching TV.  It has three levels.  Level 1 makes me feel like I'm doing a deep, painful backbend.  It causes maybe a two inch arch in my back.  Level 3 might kill me (I've never even tried it), but its hardly full wheel pose.  I have contraptions all over the house.  Foam rollers, yoga mats, straps, blocks, yoga wheel, neck traction hammock.  I even have a brace to wear to remind me to keep my shoulders back.  We just re-did the bonus room (i.e., my office and yoga room) so that I would have more room for my exercises.  All in the name of erasing pain.

Recently, I decided it was time to change up whatever I'm doing.  I purchased a physical therapy system.  It was designed to rehab a single certain injury.  I decided my entire body was the injury.  So I have some basic exercises I'm doing each morning to separately rehab my feet, hips, shoulders, hamstrings, knees, neck and back.  I also found a website offering mobility exercises (probably the first time I'm glad Facebook was listening to me complain since it showed up as a suggested ad).  It's called KaisaFit.  I have been doing those three times a week and am now going to subscribe to her entire site so I can have access to additional classes.  I'm still doing yoga with my favorite instructor, but I let myself get out of shape so I needed a little different care.  

2021

In November, I had a self-diagnosed LCL strain (knee), right before a big hike I had planned for Nature Goddess Adventures.  The pain was excruciating.  It killed me to cancel that hike, but I didn't have a choice.  I wouldn't have made a ten mile hike.  Shoot, I wouldn't have made it a mile.  Now only a few months later, I did a deep squat (all the way to the ground) without pain for the first time.  Sure, my heels pop up and I can't keep my feet as wide as I'd like, but I was able to squat.  That was a huge win for me.  I feel a little silly saying this but some days my exercises include things like: "sit on your knees."  I can't do it for long, but I can do it again.  I can also relax in child's pose (and am almost completely flat in pigeon on the right side).  I had continued yoga after my injury, but child's pose was painful (and I couldn't lay my chest on the floor in pigeon).  Now I am just back to regular stiffness during yoga, not pain.  They say (whoever "they" are) that one of the signs of how you're doing as you age is the ability to get up off the floor.  So I am on the floor all the time.  Nothing makes you feel older than saying one of your exercises is just getting up off the floor!  How am I facing this at the age of 44??  I faced the same question with my hip around the age of 33.  I thought I was going to be in a wheelchair by the time I was 40, but I completely cured myself (with help).  I can do it again.  Perhaps it is metaphysical, perhaps it's a real injury.  I need to do some soul searching to figure it out.    

Twice in the last few years, I have purchased those "do the splits in four weeks" or "be more flexible" types of programs.  In four weeks, I'm no closer to doing the splits than when I started, and I usually feel like I've pulled something (no matter how much I warm up beforehand).  I should know better.  I know my body.  Forcing it into weird shapes is never the right way for me.  My new programs are different.  More gentle.  And more appreciative of what my body can do instead of what it can't.  

The last year has been a lot (for everyone in the world).  There have been a lot of changes for me personally.  Yes, covid changed everything, but I bought this house and moved to suburbia.  I started working from home more often.  I was moving a lot less.  Maybe I'm happy in my relationship so I let myself get fat (also, all those people who said if you make more food at home, you'll lose weight, lied).  Maybe some of it is age.  But I wonder if this is how people get diagnosed with diseases like fibromyalgia.  Everything huts but there's no obvious cause for the pain.  I have been through this similarly before with my hip, although that was an acute pain and this is more like a general ache all over my body, especially in my knees and hips - they just kind of feel tired all the time.  I don't necessarily think it's my joints.  When I eat gluten, my hands hurt, and I believe that is joint pain.  The knees and hips are something else.  Generally, I can gauge inflammation by a psoriasis flare.  It is also an indication that I am stressed out.  But my skin looks okay right now, so that is confusing.  I also went through a minute of adult acne (I now believe it was related to wearing a mask, but I was worried it was hormonal), and that also caused some concern.  I've always had clear skin, so I get worried when issues pop up for no known reason.  I know I need to figure out what to balance to put my body back into homeostasis.  

January 2018

I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am in my life (like, how my body works).  Sure, we are born with certain limitations, but I believe most of mine were probably nurture over nature.  (The day after I wrote this blog, my friend Ellen sent a newsletter with a most fantastic subtitle: Genetics loads the gun, lifestyle pulls the trigger.)   I was the oldest child and took some weird mental responsibility for my family's well-being.  I was put on birth control at 15, which was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to my body.  Although I took on the chunky kid role around the time my parents split when I was 12 years old, I really gained weight after I started taking the pill.  Even worse, I stayed on it 24 years, completely messing up my hormones and my body's natural ability to regulate itself.  I preferred reading books over playing softball.  I took a job at 18 that causes me to sit all day, which has clearly blessed me with a shortened psoas.  I went to college and worked full time, choosing lots of fast food as my easy meal option.  I gained all that weight in my late teens and early 20's, leading to a decision to re-arrange my insides at the age of 27.  I then decided to have even more surgery to remove the sagging skin at the age of 30 (and multiple other times), which gave me all these scars.  I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if even one of those choices had been different.  My mom is thin and had knee replacements in her 50's, as well as hip replacements in her 60's.  Perhaps I was destined to have these issues, but my life choices contributed to the problem.

August 2018

Anyway, here we are.  Seventeen years after weight loss surgery changed my life (not necessarily for the better since lower weight doesn't automatically equal healthier body).  One year after covid changed it some more.  I've thrown around the idea of joining a program like Noom, or maybe even doing a cleanse.  I've already tried intermittent fasting with almost no weight loss (I thought giving up my morning sugary vitamin waters again should have given me something).  But I worry about what diet culture does to my mindset.  I know when I try to "diet" (i.e., concentrate on losing weight/count calories), I end up in a binge and a huge gain.  Instead of the number on the scale, I try to gauge my health by how I'm feeling (currently, like a sausage) and how my vitamin levels are (iron was low last year and it is time to get them checked again).  I'm currently taking tons of vitamins and recently added my protein shakes back into my meal plan.  My best bet is usually to "set it and forget it:" come up with a plan to make healthier choices and allow that to flow into my life.  I lost 35-40 pounds five to six years ago without counting calories.  I can do it again.  

I keep pondering how long I will keep up this blog.  I know I'm not writing much anymore.  I feel compelled to write on occasion just so it doesn't completely die (since I have been here for 11 years!), but I have no clue if the clicks I'm getting are real people still reading what I have to say.  I feel like, at one point, I was helping the cause, whether you were a plus sized poler, a gastric bypass patient, or just a regular person dealing with body issues.  Now I feel like I'm mostly using this like an online diary complaining about getting old, fat, and ugly.  Plus, I can tell Facebook hides my links in order to get me to pay for ads, which further lowers my audience reach.  So, if you're still out there reading these posts, feel free to leave a comment!  How's the last year been for you?