Nature Goddess: Alamere Falls Hike

I did the Alamere Falls hike, on the Point Reyes National Seashore, in July 2019.  Roundtrip, the hike is 8-1/2 to 12 miles, depending on your route.  There are a couple of scrambles that require a little faux rock climbing, a ton of poison oak, but lots of gorgeous views.  It is about a two hour drive for me, ending in a long rocky dirt road, with little to no cell service (so download your All Trails maps, and maybe print out some paper maps).  You really have to get there by 8 AM if you want parking, so that means leaving the house by 6 AM.

When Jade and I started talking about doing the hike again, I was slightly worried because I am carrying around some of that covid weight, but I was participating in the 52 Hikes Challenge this year, and at that time, was on par to complete a hike every single weekend.  I felt strong.  I had rehabbed some knee issues.  I was ready.  Then I wasn't.  I don't even know what happened, but I went almost two months without much hiking, and the weekend loomed.  We pushed it out once, but decided Labor Day weekend was time to make it happen.  It was my 32nd hike for the year, and we clocked about 8-1/2 miles using my new Apple Watch (I accidentally turned it off early in the hike, so that's why I don't have the exact mileage).  I am currently off-track for hitting my 52 hikes for the year, but who knows...maybe I'll put some doubles in over a few weekends and get back to it.  I have been extremely tired lately, and it is hard to get up and go hike in 100 degree heat.  Many coastal hikes I would love to do are not dog friendly, and it is difficult to look Belle in the face and leave her behind when she knows I'm going on a hike (she watches me pack the car and judges me harshly when she thinks she's being left at home).

I remember the last hike being extremely hot (for the coast), the trail was packed (we started later in the morning), and parking was full so we had to park down the dirt road and walk in.  Ness, Ant, Jade and I logged over 10 miles on that trip.  This trip, Jade, Steph, and I got there early, and the walk actually seemed faster and easier.  We were almost surprised when we turned the corner and saw the rock arrow for the shortcut out to the coast.  

The shortcut requires you to walk through some pretty closed in areas with a lot of poison oak (leaves of three, let it be!).  I really don't suggest you do it unless you are fully covered -- long pants and sweatshirts.  I have never had poison oak and, knock on wood, hope to keep it that way.  I understand it gets worse each time you are exposed to it.  We saw some people trying to do it in shorts, and I really hope they didn't end up with some itchies and scratchies.  Note that the shortcut is NOT the official trail, so if you are a stickler for rules, you'll want to spend the extra couple of miles walking past the shortcut to the campground, down to the beach, and back up to Alamere Falls.  If you did this roundtrip, you'd add about four miles to your hike.  You really have to keep an eye on the tides, though.  High tide often traps people on the beach, and no one wants to be the beach rescue that didn't know how to watch the tides.  

Once you're through the poison oak lined tree tunnel, the two scrambles down to the mid-way point to the beach (which has several beautiful falls to view, and plenty of space to sit and eat lunch) weren't terrible.  I find as I get older (or maybe my fall at McCloud Falls in May scared me), I'm a little more nervous when I hike steep spots, and I carry at least one hiking stick on every hike now.  When we arrived there were maybe only three other groups on the flat.  It was essentially empty (last time, there were easily 100 people hanging around).  By the time we left, everyone else had shown up, so I definitely encourage people to go early if you want some peace and quiet.  

The falls were also interesting because they had watercress floating on top of the water.  Anywhere we had seen water last time, had greenery on it this time.  It was beautiful but I understand watercress is actually an invasive species, so I wonder what is making it grow now.  

We sat and ate our lunch, then Steph and Jade decided to brave the steep scramble down to see the official Alamere Falls from the beach.  I peeked over and decided I didn't want to chance not being able to get back up.  Although the tide was going out so it was safe, I knew that it would add two miles to my hike if I wasn't able to climb back up, and had to walk down to the campground to get back to the main trail.  In fact, while I was up top exploring while Jade and Steph were on the beach, I watched a group trying to help a woman of about my size down the rocks.  It was a slow process, and she was clearly terrified, so I knew I had made the right decision.  Maybe I'll shed a few pounds, gain a little more strength, and try next time we do this hike.  

After Jade and Steph were done exploring the beach and falls, they climbed back up to the mid-section where I was, and we returned to the trail.  I was surprised when I had to use more upper body strength than I remember to get up the middle scramble.  If all these words (scrambles, etc.) are confusing, its like minor rock climbing.  You definitely need to be able to pull yourself up a little, but you have enough room to wedge your body, or leverage yourself, so it's not as bad or scary as it sounds.  I was feeling it the next day.  My upper body was sore.  I should do some push-ups and pull-ups or something before we go again.  

The walk back was fairly uneventful.  We had talked briefly about stopping at one of the lakes we passed on the way in, but it was colder this time, and there looked to be a lot of poison oak around the path, so we just continued back to the parking lot.  We could hear a lot of people yelling and swimming.  I know the algae blooms are dangerous right now, and those lakes are pretty green, so that would have made me nervous too.  The walk back definitely seemed longer than the walk in.  I was tired and sore, plus the walk always seems uphill both ways.  The trail was filled with more people as it was later in the day.  The entire hike, including our exploration time, was about five hours. 

Alamere is one of those touristy type hikes.  Again, if you're looking for peace and quiet, either go early, or at least not on a weekend.  I would advise against hiking alone.  Although this trail doesn't have a lot of turn offs were you can get lost, I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about hikers going missing in National or state parks (Park Predators and Missing 411).  I've always felt safe hiking alone, but maybe I've just been lucky so far.

I turned 45 the week before this hike.  I have been struggling with some weight gain and covid depression lately.  I deemed this year my year to get healthy (yet again).  So my hashtag is #45more.  I don't care about the pounds as much as how I feel.  And I know that some of the exhaustion is just being overwhelmed by the state of the world.  But I keep plugging along and I know things will be just fine.  Everything always ends up working out.  

If you've ever hiked Alamere Falls, I'd love to hear about your experience!  You can leave a comment below.  

Twirly Turns 16!

Last year, I posted about Twirly Girls being sold (in the middle of a pandemic no less), and reminisced about the previous ten years of being a Twirly Girl.  As of last month, California is open for business again, and Grace and Rosanne couldn't let July pass without throwing a Sweet 16 party for the Twirly Tribe.  I think it has been over two years since I have stepped foot in the studio.  I had a self-diagnosed SLAP tear to my right shoulder.  It happened in pole, but I also think certain poses in yoga helped contribute to it not healing (I never went to the doctor as I figured they would only offer exercises or surgery, and I could look up the exercises myself).  

Earlier this year, I posted about a loss of mobility.  Weight gain.  Age.  Depression (covid-related).  Time.  Scars.  Exhaustion.  Pain.  Sometimes just pure laziness.  These are some of the things getting in the way of my being "in shape."  I successfully rehabbed a self-diagnosed LCL strain to my right knee last year, only to fall in May on my left knee (causing me to think it was actually broken), which led to another hyperextension (swelling and major pain in the LCL/IT band area) of the right knee in June. This led to about three months of very gentle yoga (nothing on the knees, so mostly seated poses).  I noticed my SLAP tear pain went away.  However, last week, I visited Twirly and did all of two pole sits, along with returning to "real" yoga.  Guess what -- that SLAP tear burn is back in my shoulder.  Between shoulder and knee issues, my commitment to staying off the pole is renewed.  I look fondly back on my pole days, but am definitely having to leave that in the rear view mirror.  The Twirling Viking Warrior has officially, and fully, retired.  

It was, however, awesome to be in the studio, seeing people I haven't seen in a year or two.  The remodel is beautiful.  It looks like a completely different space, while still feeling familiar like home.  I am so happy that Twirly will live on.  I took my 6 year old nephew and 2 year old niece with me -- and told them we were going to circus school.  They had a blast.  In fact, my nephew told me he loved it more than me but not to be upset because it was just different.  We explained to Tyler that people who climbed to the top of the pole got to put their dollars on the wall.  He got to work figuring out how to climb.  When he got to the top, he put his dollar with mine.  The Twirly torch has been passed.  

Thanks for the stroll down Memory Lane, Grace and Rosanne!  The studio is gorgeous!

Mobility

Mobility.  I'm losing mobility.  I feel old even saying that.  Today is one year since California shut down for two weeks to "bend the curve."  Friday the 13th was the last day I was in my office working a traditional "8-5," and California issued a mass quarantine order relating to the covid-19 pandemic effective Tuesday, March 17, 2020.  Also, today is the 17th anniversary of my weight loss surgery -- a journey that helped me lose 165 pounds.  

I have had so many surgeries in my lifetime.  Ten times, I have gone under anesthesia to allow a surgeon to cut into my body, sometimes having multiple procedures during the surgery.  Each cut is a scar.  Each scar locks my body down a little bit more.  You know, when my plastic surgeon did my "arm lift," he cut a "Z" into my arm pit.  This was so that I wouldn't lose the ability to raise my arms over my head.  Whenever I get a new massage therapist, even when I warn them, I feel them pause dramatically when they get to my lower body lift scar.  The scar itself is thin and well-done, so looking at it isn't all that exciting.  However, when you touch it, you can feel the thick scar tissue underneath.  It holds one part of my body tight, pushing gained fat into weird places my body normally wouldn't have carried it.  

The last year has been rough.  I've gained weight (with fat in places I've never seen it squish into before).  This is certainly not the highest post-gastric bypass weight I've ever been, but I'm not trying to make that a contest.  However, when I look at photos of myself from just a year ago, I can tell a huge difference (no pun intended).  In the world of loving your body, I know I shouldn't judge myself, but let's be real -- I'm judging myself (plus I feel like crap and everything hurts).  I'm not moving as much.  I'm consuming too much sugar.  My knees and hips ache.  My hamstrings are weak and short.  My calves are knotted.  My core is weak.  My mid-back hurts (if I'm being honest, so does my lower back).  I'm pretty sure I have a SLAP tear.  I shuffle like an old lady when I first stand up.  I couldn't squat without intense pain.  My hips are so tight, that thinking I could handle frog pose is a fun little joke I play on myself (which is a move I could do ten short years ago).  My new neck pain is sometimes unbearable.  I assumed it was my pillow and have tried all different brands.  I used the foam roller and a lacrosse ball for self-massage.  I saw a chiropractor and did all the exercises to strengthen my back, which was supposed to lead to less strain on my neck.  Didn't really help.  Finally, I saw a physical/massage therapist.  Her brand of massage is more therapy - what I imagine Thai massage might be like.  She contorts me into strange positions, then starts to work out the knots.  When I first walked into her office, she said, your chest is pulling your entire body forward!  She's right.  My shoulders and back round forward, toward all of those scars around my chest, arms and side, which is putting strain on my neck.  The two types of mesh anchored to my insides aren't helping either.  It all hurts.  All the time.  

2019

My running joke for years has been how I will feel like I'm doing the craziest, deepest backbend and someone will take a photo, and I will just be standing up stick straight.  In fact, I bought this little contraption that you can lay on that will give you a little back arch.  I figured it would be good to use if I'm going to be doing something like watching TV.  It has three levels.  Level 1 makes me feel like I'm doing a deep, painful backbend.  It causes maybe a two inch arch in my back.  Level 3 might kill me (I've never even tried it), but its hardly full wheel pose.  I have contraptions all over the house.  Foam rollers, yoga mats, straps, blocks, yoga wheel, neck traction hammock.  I even have a brace to wear to remind me to keep my shoulders back.  We just re-did the bonus room (i.e., my office and yoga room) so that I would have more room for my exercises.  All in the name of erasing pain.

Recently, I decided it was time to change up whatever I'm doing.  I purchased a physical therapy system.  It was designed to rehab a single certain injury.  I decided my entire body was the injury.  So I have some basic exercises I'm doing each morning to separately rehab my feet, hips, shoulders, hamstrings, knees, neck and back.  I also found a website offering mobility exercises (probably the first time I'm glad Facebook was listening to me complain since it showed up as a suggested ad).  It's called KaisaFit.  I have been doing those three times a week and am now going to subscribe to her entire site so I can have access to additional classes.  I'm still doing yoga with my favorite instructor, but I let myself get out of shape so I needed a little different care.  

2021

In November, I had a self-diagnosed LCL strain (knee), right before a big hike I had planned for Nature Goddess Adventures.  The pain was excruciating.  It killed me to cancel that hike, but I didn't have a choice.  I wouldn't have made a ten mile hike.  Shoot, I wouldn't have made it a mile.  Now only a few months later, I did a deep squat (all the way to the ground) without pain for the first time.  Sure, my heels pop up and I can't keep my feet as wide as I'd like, but I was able to squat.  That was a huge win for me.  I feel a little silly saying this but some days my exercises include things like: "sit on your knees."  I can't do it for long, but I can do it again.  I can also relax in child's pose (and am almost completely flat in pigeon on the right side).  I had continued yoga after my injury, but child's pose was painful (and I couldn't lay my chest on the floor in pigeon).  Now I am just back to regular stiffness during yoga, not pain.  They say (whoever "they" are) that one of the signs of how you're doing as you age is the ability to get up off the floor.  So I am on the floor all the time.  Nothing makes you feel older than saying one of your exercises is just getting up off the floor!  How am I facing this at the age of 44??  I faced the same question with my hip around the age of 33.  I thought I was going to be in a wheelchair by the time I was 40, but I completely cured myself (with help).  I can do it again.  Perhaps it is metaphysical, perhaps it's a real injury.  I need to do some soul searching to figure it out.    

Twice in the last few years, I have purchased those "do the splits in four weeks" or "be more flexible" types of programs.  In four weeks, I'm no closer to doing the splits than when I started, and I usually feel like I've pulled something (no matter how much I warm up beforehand).  I should know better.  I know my body.  Forcing it into weird shapes is never the right way for me.  My new programs are different.  More gentle.  And more appreciative of what my body can do instead of what it can't.  

The last year has been a lot (for everyone in the world).  There have been a lot of changes for me personally.  Yes, covid changed everything, but I bought this house and moved to suburbia.  I started working from home more often.  I was moving a lot less.  Maybe I'm happy in my relationship so I let myself get fat (also, all those people who said if you make more food at home, you'll lose weight, lied).  Maybe some of it is age.  But I wonder if this is how people get diagnosed with diseases like fibromyalgia.  Everything huts but there's no obvious cause for the pain.  I have been through this similarly before with my hip, although that was an acute pain and this is more like a general ache all over my body, especially in my knees and hips - they just kind of feel tired all the time.  I don't necessarily think it's my joints.  When I eat gluten, my hands hurt, and I believe that is joint pain.  The knees and hips are something else.  Generally, I can gauge inflammation by a psoriasis flare.  It is also an indication that I am stressed out.  But my skin looks okay right now, so that is confusing.  I also went through a minute of adult acne (I now believe it was related to wearing a mask, but I was worried it was hormonal), and that also caused some concern.  I've always had clear skin, so I get worried when issues pop up for no known reason.  I know I need to figure out what to balance to put my body back into homeostasis.  

January 2018

I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am in my life (like, how my body works).  Sure, we are born with certain limitations, but I believe most of mine were probably nurture over nature.  (The day after I wrote this blog, my friend Ellen sent a newsletter with a most fantastic subtitle: Genetics loads the gun, lifestyle pulls the trigger.)   I was the oldest child and took some weird mental responsibility for my family's well-being.  I was put on birth control at 15, which was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to my body.  Although I took on the chunky kid role around the time my parents split when I was 12 years old, I really gained weight after I started taking the pill.  Even worse, I stayed on it 24 years, completely messing up my hormones and my body's natural ability to regulate itself.  I preferred reading books over playing softball.  I took a job at 18 that causes me to sit all day, which has clearly blessed me with a shortened psoas.  I went to college and worked full time, choosing lots of fast food as my easy meal option.  I gained all that weight in my late teens and early 20's, leading to a decision to re-arrange my insides at the age of 27.  I then decided to have even more surgery to remove the sagging skin at the age of 30 (and multiple other times), which gave me all these scars.  I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if even one of those choices had been different.  My mom is thin and had knee replacements in her 50's, as well as hip replacements in her 60's.  Perhaps I was destined to have these issues, but my life choices contributed to the problem.

August 2018

Anyway, here we are.  Seventeen years after weight loss surgery changed my life (not necessarily for the better since lower weight doesn't automatically equal healthier body).  One year after covid changed it some more.  I've thrown around the idea of joining a program like Noom, or maybe even doing a cleanse.  I've already tried intermittent fasting with almost no weight loss (I thought giving up my morning sugary vitamin waters again should have given me something).  But I worry about what diet culture does to my mindset.  I know when I try to "diet" (i.e., concentrate on losing weight/count calories), I end up in a binge and a huge gain.  Instead of the number on the scale, I try to gauge my health by how I'm feeling (currently, like a sausage) and how my vitamin levels are (iron was low last year and it is time to get them checked again).  I'm currently taking tons of vitamins and recently added my protein shakes back into my meal plan.  My best bet is usually to "set it and forget it:" come up with a plan to make healthier choices and allow that to flow into my life.  I lost 35-40 pounds five to six years ago without counting calories.  I can do it again.  

I keep pondering how long I will keep up this blog.  I know I'm not writing much anymore.  I feel compelled to write on occasion just so it doesn't completely die (since I have been here for 11 years!), but I have no clue if the clicks I'm getting are real people still reading what I have to say.  I feel like, at one point, I was helping the cause, whether you were a plus sized poler, a gastric bypass patient, or just a regular person dealing with body issues.  Now I feel like I'm mostly using this like an online diary complaining about getting old, fat, and ugly.  Plus, I can tell Facebook hides my links in order to get me to pay for ads, which further lowers my audience reach.  So, if you're still out there reading these posts, feel free to leave a comment!  How's the last year been for you?  

Pandemic Burnout

 

Never lose your sense of humor

Two weeks to bend the curve!  Or was it three weeks?  I don't remember.  That was ten months ago.  And we are still here, in the United States (California specifically), being ordered to stay home so that covid-19 patients don't overtake our hospitals...again.  I guess we are finally in the predicted second wave.  

I've had a hard time vocalizing how I've felt recently.  2020 has been amazing to me.  I bought this house.  I have an amazing relationship.  I live close to my family, and I still see them on a regular basis (so I am not isolated).  I have a job (even if I am furloughed one day a month), which allows me to work at home, but also allows me the autonomy to go into the office if/when I choose.  

But 2020 has also kicked my ass.  I am exhausted.  I have gained some weight.  I am eating decently, but I am definitely not moving as much as I used to, so my body hurts.  Working at home is nice, but then there is no separation between home and work.  Breaks aren't real breaks.  They mean time to do dishes or laundry.  I don't take an hour lunch anymore.  I just eat at my desk, continuing to do work, because why not?  I'm not commuting but I feel like I have less time, not more.  I still can't seem to find time to do a lot of the spiritual woo-woo stuff that I used to do on a daily basis.  No card pulls.  No journal writing.  No full moon rituals.  I just can't pull it together.  Why?

I was listening to a podcast a couple of weeks ago and they gave it a name: pandemic burnout.  Our adrenals are essentially shot because we don't know what's going to happen next so our bodies are just constantly in stress-mode.  

I am on social media (probably a bad idea) watching the world fall apart.  Businesses are failing, and people are (or will soon) lose their homes.  There is no real guidance.  Politicians are making all of these seemingly arbitrary rules, some that change on a daily basis, while they are privately doing whatever they want to do.  Unemployment has run out for many, or was never offered to some, yet people are being fined for trying to keep their businesses open.  It is appalling that we as a society aren't being allowed to take care of ourselves, but also can't rely on the government that is telling us that we cannot work.  

In California, some counties (like the one I live in) are setting more strict health orders than the state, but then expect already-overloaded city police departments to enforce these constantly-changing rules.  No one can keep up.  The district attorneys aren't prosecuting many "petty" crimes, and a lot of criminals aren't being taken to jail because they don't want to bring covid in.  Yet people just trying to run their businesses so they can feed their families are being threatened with citations.  It's sick.

Our government has failed us. You can blame Trump or your governor, but all of these politicians have failed. People are losing homes and businesses. They are telling you that you can’t work and feed your families. They aren’t giving money to the people who need it (but are happily approving claims for people who don’t qualify). They think a one-time payment of $1,200 was helping, when all it did was create more debt for the country to dig out of. The government is broken. You can pretend things are going to change in January but they aren’t. These people aren’t smarter than you. Many of them are decades in and have been part of the problem for the entire time. If they didn’t work for the government, they likely wouldn’t qualify for a job that even pays into the six figures. They aren’t taking pay-cuts. They are still visiting their families and getting their haircuts. 

I kept hearing that we are destroying the economy for a virus with a 99.9% survival rate. And I thought, that can’t be right. So I looked it up. According to the CDC, that’s right. If you are young, it’s a 99.99% survival. If you’re over 70, it’s a 99.5% survival rate. We aren’t even to the hard part. In California, there’s a moratorium on evictions for covid affected people. But they still owe all that money. And what if the landlord loses the house in the meantime? What happens then? It’s trickle down. In another year, when this all comes due, we are really going to feel the effects of what is happening right now. For a virus. With a 99+% survival rate.  The end of the world is seemingly here. And it certainly is not our government who is going to take care of us.

My belief is that adults who want to work should be allowed to work so they can feed their families.  Those who have compromised immune systems should be the ones who stay home and safe.  Sure, wear the masks and social distance, but if the government cannot afford to pay everyone to stay home, they should expect people will do what they need to do to feed their families.  These small businesses being targeted with fines are not getting rich off this pandemic.  They are just trying to survive.  Please explain to me how walking through Walmart is safe but shopping at a small mom and pop shop is not. 

Now, I am also not stupid.  I know why these large companies are allowed to stay open.  They are the ones providing the jobs.  But mega corporations thank the government for putting their smaller competition out of business.

I'm not smart enough to claim I have any answers, but I do know that what we've been doing isn't working.  Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a rant.  I just realized I hadn't checked in since the summer, and it was probably time to say hello.  Apparently, I needed to get all of that out.  I hope each of you are coping better than I appear to be.  I am here if you want to share your story.  

Becoming a Twirly

Lovely Rita 2010

This morning I woke up to an Instagram post requesting OG photos from Twirly Girls alumni.  Share your #TwirlyThrowback photos for Throwback Thursday!  I started going through the ten plus years of photos and took a walk down memory lane...

Bel, the owner of Twirly Girls Pole Fitness, recently passed the Twirly Torch to Grace and Rosanne, who re-branded as Twirly Tribe Studio (I believe this is the final Bay Area studio to be turned over to the younger generation).  During a pandemic no less, while "gyms" aren't allowed to be open.  I know Bel has been ready to retire and hoping to find the right person to take over for awhile.  Grace mentioned the recent flood in the studio had Bel in tears, and made her want to step up and do for Bel what she has been doing for years -- taking care of us.  And, as I know from experience, it really does take a tribe to take on these types of endeavors.  Finding the right partner is key -- and Rosanne seems like the perfect match for Grace.

I started thinking this morning about what Twirly Girls has brought into my life.  I wanted to chronicle every cool thing that's ever happened to me related to Twirly or pole dance.  I realized this would be a 27 page blog that no one would read.  I've had this blog for over ten years.  It has almost 900 posts (I once tried to order one of those hard copy books of your blog and it was going to cost me thousands of dollars, so I had to let that dream go).  You could spend weeks reading through my already chronicled adventures.  So I'll hit some highlights to celebrate Bel's 14 years as the legit OG TG, my life as a pole dancer, and to create a warm send off for the amazing adventure Grace and Rosanne have ahead of them.

Grace cooling me off

My first class at Twirly Girls was with my friend, Rita (yes, THE Lovely Rita!) on December 2, 2009 (you can read about the lead up HERE if you want).  The short answer to how we ended up there is this:  I heard a radio show interview with instructors from S-Factor.  They had a studio in San Francisco.  I took one class there in early 2009 but it was really difficult to get to and I couldn't spend my entire Saturday going into the City every weekend.  Later that summer, a friend mentioned she had received an email from Pleasanton about a pole studio opening up.  We all decided we should go.  Initially, we had a group of four or five planned.  When it was time to go, it was only Rita and me.  We had the best time laughing and being silly.  It was a class that literally changed my life.

I started this blog in January 2010 to chronicle my journey and met my then-online (now real-life) friend, Heather, who was a poler and blogger (check out a post about Heather HERE).  I didn't really expect it to lead anywhere.  I just thought it would be nice to keep everything in one place. Ten years later, I have almost 900,000 views.  Not earth shattering numbers or anything but pretty decent for someone who wasn't trying to get famous with a blog.  I started interviewing pole celebrities for my blog (and later did video interviews for The Pole Dancing Shop).  I was a board member of a pole blogger association.  I was the self-proclaimed pole ambassador and started visiting studios all over the Bay Area (and California).  I started teaching my class at Twirly Girls in 2012, Boys, Girls and Twirls, which brought Robert -- aka cowboywild -- into my circle.  That story almost requires its own blog.  Long story short, watching Robert come out of his shell and start to use pole dance as a fundraiser via Twirl for a Cause has been extremely rewarding.  (HERE is a post about Robert's 2013 show.)

Photo by Liquidpulp Photography - Rita, Bel and me

Being a Twirly also brought me to Marisa and Chunky Girl Comics (I am pretty sure it was Twirly Girl Jenelle who tagged me in the post where Marisa was looking for someone to cosplay as one of her characters).  It was also Twirly Girls that gave me the confidence to walk around in my underwear for Chunky Girl events and faux drag performances.  (You can read about our attendance at Comikaze HERE.)  I have multiple blogs about Chunky Girl Comics and, again, I could write another one specifically directed at how much my life has changed from meeting Marisa and being introduced to Chunky Girls.

In 2010, Bel started a fundraiser called Lovely Rita to raise money for the National Kidney Foundation (as Rita is a three-time kidney transplant recipient).  (You can read about our first Lovely Rita HERE.)  We did that fundraiser for nine years!  These fundraisers got me out of my comfort zone and performing.  I was never an amazing dancer or performer but I always had fun.  We used to have Andrew (aka Liquidpulp Photography) do these epic photoshoots at the studio (in fact, my first meeting of Grace was at one of those photoshoots).  One of my favorite shoots was a calendar we did with Andrew to benefit the Lovely Rita fundraiser.  It brought the whole studio together.

Pole dancing at Twirly introduced me to hundreds of people.  I started going to events -- Pole Con in Los Angeles and Pole Expo in Las Vegas.  Guys, I've seen Jenyne Butterfly perform in person, met Timber Brown before he was on America's Got Talent, saw Kenneth Kao JUMP between poles live, and I was at the show where Jamilla's flying shoe almost killed a photographer!  I watched "beginner" competition moves start at a then-shockingly impressive ayesha or jade split and work up to a mind-blowing fonji.  I wrote for multiple pole magazines and websites.  I attended pole competitions and showcases.  Bel nicknamed me the Twirling Viking Warrior.  I started using "pole dance is for everyBODY" and promoting pole for plus sized dancers (I still have a group on Facebook dedicated to plus sized polers).  I met my East Coast plus sized counterpart, Roz THE DIVA Mays.  I met Amy Bond, who introduced the idea of Northern California Pole Presentational, which I took to Ellen, which turned into six shows (wow, so overly simplified, but if you know me, you know how much of my life was devoted to this for almost eight years...you can read my wrap-up after the first show HERE and my farewell after my final show HERE).

2017 Birthday surprise

I don't even want to mention the names of people I've met and who have influenced me for fear of leaving anyone out (I mean, I need a whole other blog about Kate and Volare Variety!!).  Lifelong friendships were forged (shout out to Ginger who has taken me to multiple surgeries and recently helped remodel my kitchen!!!!).  The connection to one of my closest friends, Jade, happened because we were both on an online website for pole dancers, and I introduced her to Twirly Girls.  We bonded one day when we were both at a Twirly Girls clothing swap.  I remember once being at lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in years.  We were eating outdoors in San Francisco.  She had heard about the pole dancing and my writing, and asked if I was famous.  I said, not even close.  Not five minutes later, I heard someone yell from across the street:  "Is that Lori from Confessions of a Twirly Girl?!"  A fellow Twirly, who had read my blog, ran across the street to give me a hug.  And I could not convince my friend that was a fluke.  I got a good laugh out of it. 

I got into pole dancing when it was...how best to word this...socially acceptably brand new (the true OGs started in the strip clubs and did the leg work, no pun intended, in the late 1990's and early 2000's to bring pole to the mainstream -- but I have a whole blog series about that if you want to read them).  In 2010, I had a list of every known pole event in the world, and every studio in the United States.  I essentially KNEW (or at least knew of) almost every pole dancer in the US, and probably even the world (there were only like five plus sized polers, and maybe three pole bloggers).  I knew everyone at the first Pole Expo.  It only took a couple of years before there were so many people, I could no longer keep up.  Pole dance was trendy.  It was supposed to burn out in a year or two.  Yet now they're talking about putting it in the Olympics.  I'm part of pole history.

Lovely Rita 2017 with Jade and Alana

Twirly has seen me through some bad break-ups, and the birth of most of my nieces and nephews.  Twirly has been there as I've purchased a new home and transitioned from Walnut Creek socialite to Brentwood suburbanite (I went from happy hours to watching Baby Shark; #AuntyLife).  Good times or bad, someone from Twirly has been there.  I've always felt like Twirly gave me a purpose in life.  I often felt lost or unimportant -- never knowing where I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to be doing.  I had a career.  That was fine.  But there had to be more.  Why was I put on this earth?  Helping other humans find their self-worth and heal their body image issues became my purpose, and that started with becoming a Twirly Girl.

After years of abusing my body and having way too many surgeries, I hung up my stilettos last year (which I could never walk in anyway).  You can read that post HERE.  The thing is, you can stop pole dancing but you never stop being a Twirly.  Bel created an environment where people felt loved and supported.  New people would comment constantly that they loved how Twirly Girls felt like a family.

Anyway, like I said, I could go on for pages and pages about what Twirly Girls, now Twirly Tribe, means to me.  I am excited for Grace and Rosanne to continue the legacy.  Who could have known where I would be ten and a half years after a single introductory pole class?  Forget the six degrees of Kevin Bacon.  I have the six degrees of Bel and Twirly Girls -- which has spider'ed into thousands of connections, both online and in real life.  Thank you to Bel for providing a safe place for me to grow as a person, and learn how to love and appreciate my body at the size it is.  Thank you for the adventures.  Thank you for being part of my life journey.  I love you all!

If you have any Twirly memories you'd like to share, please feel free to comment on this blog or head over to the Confessions Facebook page to add your photos and memories!

2010

2010

Photo by Liquidpulp Photography

2011

2011

Photo by Liquidpulp Photography

Nadia's romance with my boobs 2013

Handstands everywhere we go

Photo by Somer Ahonen - 2016

Photo by Brett Stanley - 2016

Photo by Somer Ahonen - 2017

Photo by Somer Ahonen - Representing Artista Activewear

Roz the Diva 2017

Photo by Little Boxes Theater - 2019

Final NCPP with Ellen 2019 -- That's a wrap!

Covid Chronicles: Meet Rachel!

Depending on where you are, we are about four months into a shelter-in-place in response to the covid-19/coronavirus pandemic. (Keep in mind regarding timing, these blogs are being rolled out slowly, so some people may have filled out their answers over a month ago.) One hundred years from now, how will we look back at the unprecedented “closing” of the entire world in response to a virus? There is a lot of hate being thrown at governments and politicians. One side feels they aren’t taking this seriously enough. The other side feels like our freedoms have been taken from us and we should re-open immediately. No one is happy. Underneath all of that are individuals and families just trying to make it. Some of us are single and sheltering alone. Some of us are in crowded households with no time or space to ourselves. I wanted to capture the stories of those individuals...my friends. How are they dealing with all of this? I wanted to do this blog to celebrate those people who are holding it down during some really difficult financial and emotional times.

Tell us your first name and a little bit about yourself.

Rachel – I’m a 44 year old single mother, raising my son with my parents in the California town of Oakley. I am currently working as a Special Education teacher with an emergency credential and plan to start my Education Specialist credential program this summer. I also hold a master’s degree in psychology and my interests include spirituality, addiction recovery, authentic self-expression, holistic health, self-care, and more. I am 3 years and 9 months sober from alcohol. My food addiction battle continues. Had it under control for 9 months, then fell off the wagon a year ago. I’m a hardcore Supernatural fan (the TV show) and read Supernatural fan fiction daily.

Are you sheltering in place alone or with others? Tell us about your “quarantine” family.

I am sheltering in place with my 9 year old son and my two retired parents. My son is kind of bouncing off the walls, but overall handling it really well. He chats with his cousin via video chat on Facebook Messenger for Kids and they play Minecraft together. We’ve established a good routine for getting his schoolwork done while I work. My parents are up to the usual stuff they usually do, just in a modified way. For example, my parents attend their spiritual center via Zoom every Sunday.

On a scale of 1-10, how have you been at this whole sheltering thing anyway? 1 means you are essentially carrying on as if nothing is going on. 10 means you’re not leaving your house for any reason and having everything delivered to you. (No judgments here...just curious how people would self-rate.)

I give myself an 8, maybe it’s a 7. I leave the house to go to the grocery store once a week and go to two stores. I used to go way more than this, so this is shift. I occasionally go to Target to pick up an order. I’ve gone to my school twice to get things from my classroom. I take walks in the neighborhood. I occasionally indulge myself and have a chat, from a safe distance, with my neighbor friend. That’s it.

I do, however, let my son play with the neighbor kids. There was two weeks were I didn’t, but now that things have eased a bit, I’ve let him again. But he’s constantly told to not pass items back and forth, not touch the same things, and keep a distance. He’s an only child and he also needs outdoor active time. I really don’t know what to do.

Do you know anyone who has/had covid-19?

Nope

If you are alone, how are you handling the isolation? If you are with others, how are you handling that?

I’m kind of going nuts not having ANY real alone time. I’m an INFJ and I read once that INFJ’s desperately need time where then can be 100% sure that no one is around, will interrupt, or might need them. I don’t get that ever. It wasn’t much in the past, but now it’s never. It’s exhausting. There’s been no major blow up between the adults. Well, my parents have them, but that’s normal. But I haven’t lost my shit on either of them. I did kind of lose it with Ethan last night, but that was a long time coming. I was surprised it took that long.

Are you able to get out and enjoy nature anywhere near you?

My parents have taken Ethan to Big Break twice and, early on, I went a couple times. I’ve been swamped with work since we returned from Spring Break on March 30th and I caught a case of really bad allergies that manifested as a chronic cough, so I haven’t been out as much and when I do I try to not encounter people, because I don’t want my cough to freak them out.

What kind of self-care habits have you put in place to keep you sane?

Well, at first, and I know better: nada. None. Just lots of binge eating. And I promptly added 15 lbs to the 25 that I was already up since last May #knowyourunhealthycopingmechanisms

So that sucks. I know me, so I was waiting for the click. For my moment of clarity that kind of feels like hitting bottom. It finally came and my head is back on straight and I’ve got my food on lock for the first time in a long time, and reaping all the benefits of peace and pride that I’ve desperately missed.

I’ve also signed up for Gabby Bernstein’s “Meditation Challenge” which starts on Sunday, because I like structure and really want to get back to a regular meditation practice. She annoyingly pretty, perky, and privileged, but I like her teachings and find them really helpful despite all that.

I’m trying to integrate daily yoga—again. Another thing that fell off when I fell off the wagon a year ago.

I did clean my very trashed room (my only space that’s mine) on my birthday (April 26) and that deeply felt like self-care. I took hours attending to all the piles while listening to Janelle Hanchett’s “I’m Just Happy To Be Here” (5-star, definitely recommend). It was good.

If you have kids, how is homeschooling going?

Not bad. He’s insanely resistant and homework has always been a battle, so I guess I was kind of prepared. I set up a check list with what he needs to do each day. The things he can do independently via online apps are bolded, so he knows he needs to do those himself. The rest he does with my mom, while I work, which is great. There’s a fair amount of drama: whining, wailing, resisting. I went back to his daily reinforcement chart and clarified the expectations, so hopefully knowing that Points are on the line will motivate him to stop being such a brat.

What kind of work do you do? Are you able to work from home? How is that going?

I am a Special Education teacher in a classroom for students with extreme behavior challenges. I am extremely lucky to be able to do this from home and still get my regular pay through the end of my contract (June 30th). It’s going pretty well. At first I was worried I wouldn’t keep up, but I am. I love my job and it matters, so I keep showing up and keep moving forward. I do all class Zooms twice a week and meet 1:2 with each family (a parent and their student) each week to focus on a goal related lesson. I have regular meetings with colleagues and also run special education team meetings all from Zoom.

Be honest...you’ve cut your own hair, right?

Of course! But I do that anyway. I haven’t paid for a haircut in years. For my hair at least.

The real challenge was cutting Ethan’s. That was scary! He wouldn’t stop moving. It came out pretty good.

What surprising positive thing has happened because of the time being spent at home/with family?
We haven’t killed each other yet. Does that count? I’m only kind of kidding. I’m genuinely surprised that my mom and I haven’t had a major blow out, but we’re getting along pretty well, which has been the case for around 2 years now.

How are you doing birthdays and other celebrations with all of the restrictions in place?

I mailed my nephew his gift, but he lives 4 hours away, so I would have done that anyway.

There was a parade for the boy next door and we stepped out for that and gave him his gift.

For my birthday we didn’t do anything special.

For Mother’s Day we ordered Melo’s in, for the second time that week, lol.

I sent Amazon gift cards to my son’s teachers for Teacher Appreciation Week.

What changes do you think you will permanently implement after this experience?

My life was already pretty unexciting and now it’s just more so. I really can’t think of any change that will continue.

I signed up for Disney+, I’ll probably keep that. Hamilton is coming!!!!

Are you ready to get back into the world (with safety precautions in place)?

Yes! I miss going to school and being in the classroom. Also, I was looking forward to attending school in person this summer and now my pre-service program for my credential will be all online, which is a bummer. I want to be able to see people’s faces when I smile and talk to them at the store. I want to go to the movies.

Which TV shows have you been watching and what do you think everyone else should start?

I’m currently watching the second season of Dead To Me.

I really enjoyed the first season of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist these last few weeks.

I’ve also watched a ton of others, like good ole Tiger King, as well as Everything Sucks, Atypical, The Morning Show, The Mandalorian, and rewatched Firefly with the kiddo. He and I are currently watching Parks & Recreation and The Office (he’s only 9, but he loves the humor and I’m not worried about the semi-inappropriate stuff, he handles it)

Right now, I would recommend something light, but thoughtful, like The Good Place, if you haven’t watched it yet. Another fun escape is Superstore.

My all-time favorite show is Supernatural. I will never not recommend this. Anxiously awaiting the last 7 episodes, which are on hold due to the current crisis.

What are you happy to leave behind in the “old world?”

Having my classroom trashed by students when they spin out of control and waking at 5:40 a.m. for work.

What can you appreciate most about the “new world?”

Less rushing and less expectation, fewer demands. I can just focus on what I think is important and necessary in my daily life. A lot is out of my hands and that’s rather freeing.

What is the first thing you’re going to do when the shelter-in-place is lifted?

Go to the Oakland Zoo. We have a membership and we miss it so much. We signed up for the online live, behind the scenes, zoo show and it’s been great, but we really miss being there in person.

Who is the person you have missed seeing most during this time?

My sister, but she lives 4 hours away, so I don’t see her enough anyway. I actually “see” her more, because we’ll sometimes talk when the boys are connected via video chat.

Second, my students and all the kids at school. I’m very happy to see kids when I go for a walk.

What song would best represent the time you’ve spent at home?

For this time in general, I always come back to Doom Days by Bastille. So good.

For the time at home itself, I can’t really think of anything; though maybe Doom Days applies there as well.

What significant impact, if any, will the virus have on your plans for this year?

My plan is to go back to school to get my special education credential as an intern. Due to the virus the third test I need to pass keeps getting rescheduled. I need to pass it by September 30 (and it takes 4-6 weeks to get results, so I need to take it by mid-August to be safe). Ideally I would have it passed before my job starts at the end of July (if I get a job). Everything is kind of up in the air, but I just keep moving forward and hoping for the best.

Other than that, everything is pretty much the same.

We had to cancel our vacation in March to Monterey and I don’t know when we’ll be able to reschedule given both the virus and my upcoming school and work schedule. It is what it is.

In a fantasy world where the virus doesn’t exist and money isn’t an issue, where is your dream vacation destination?

Ugh, that’s way too hard. I’d love to do the full Disneyworld experience, never been. But Hawaii, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, and Manchu Pichu are also high on the list. Or just a basic Disneyland vacation, which is beyond my financial reach right now and I really want Ethan to go before he leaves his childhood behind.

Covid Chronicles: Meet Heather!

Depending on where you are, we are about three months into a shelter-in-place in response to the covid-19/coronavirus pandemic. (Keep in mind regarding timing, these blogs are being rolled out slowly, so some people may have filled out their answers up to a month ago.) One hundred years from now, how will we look back at the unprecedented “closing” of the entire world in response to a virus? There is a lot of hate being thrown at governments and politicians. One side feels they aren’t taking this seriously enough. The other side feels like our freedoms have been taken from us and we should re-open immediately. No one is happy. Underneath all of that are individuals and families just trying to make it. Some of us are single and sheltering alone. Some of us are in crowded households with no time or space to ourselves. I wanted to capture the stories of those individuals...my friends. How are they dealing with all of this? I wanted to do this blog to celebrate those people who are holding it down during some really difficult financial and emotional times.

Tell us your first name and a little bit about yourself.

Hey, hey! I'm Heather - a 37 year old Christmas Baby, 4x cross-country mover, cartoon loving, ex-roller derby playin', dog momin' weirdo. I'm one of the most resilient people I know. Nice to meet you!

In which part of the world do you live?

Salisbury, MD

Are you sheltering in place alone or with others? Tell us about your “quarantine” family.

My quarantine family consists of my husband Jason, and our two dogs, Vader & Chewie.

On a scale of 1-10, how have you been at this whole sheltering thing anyway? 1 means you are essentially carrying on as if nothing is going on. 10 means you’re not leaving your house for any reason and having everything delivered to you. (No judgments here...just curious how people would self-rate.)

8

Do you know anyone who has/had covid-19?

There are a couple acquaintances of acquaintances that I'm aware of.

If you are alone, how are you handling the isolation? If you are with others, how are you handling that?

I'm so grateful for our situation, and we're all handling it great. I feel like I've been "in training" for this for many years, lol. My husband and I are very used to being around each other and genuinely enjoy each other's company (that's what 15 years of being together can do!), our dogs love having more time with us, and I work from home. So, not too much has changed for us.

Are you able to get out and enjoy nature anywhere near you?

There's a really nice park with trails about a 5 minute drive away. I've went a few times since the quarantine started. Need to go more!

What kind of self-care habits have you put in place to keep you sane?

Let's see....I've gotten into the habit of washing my face! Sounds weird, I know. But, I've always been the type of gal who just wipes her leftover eyeliner off with a makeup wipe, or I wait until I'm in the shower to wash my face. But I found this really nice face cleanser by TULA skincare that I really like, and have gotten into the habit of actually using it!

I also bought a treadmill and yoga bench, both of which I'm really enjoying :)

If you have kids, how is homeschooling going?
Don't have any kids, and I'm SO grateful for that too! LOL - I think parenting and homeschooling would be the death of me.

What kind of work do you do? Are you able to work from home? How is that going?

I'm the Director of Talent & Strategy for a company that works with online publishers. I recruit, train, and manage freelance celebrity entertainment writers. So fun! I do work from home. I've done so for about the last 6 years, spanning several different companies. I'm never going back to an office job if I can avoid it!

Be honest...you’ve cut your own hair, right?

HELL YES! Cut, AND dye. I learned years ago that for me going to a salon is a waste of my money, and that I like the results better when I'm in control. :) I'm also not afraid to just let my hair go willy-nilly. Grey hair, or a bad cut or dye job doesn't spook me. It's whatever.

What surprising positive thing has happened because of the time being spent at home/with family?

The hubby has finally gotten me into gaming. That's right, I said gaming! LOL. I'm currently addicted to Stranded Deep; a hella fun survival game where you're stranded on an island (so much so that I even downloaded it onto my laptop!) - AND we're currently awaiting delivery of our Openwheeler GEN2 Racing Wheel Stand Cockpit, steering wheel, pedals and stick shift so I can get the FULL Forza Racing experience! Ha!

Because we're spending so much time at home we've also upgraded our sound system. The house literally SHAKES now when we have our impromptu dance parties!

And - despite all the shit we've been ordering, we've actually been able to SAVE money! Yay!

How are you doing birthdays and other celebrations with all of the restrictions in place?

There haven't really been any occasions on the calendar that we've missed yet. There are a few coming up, so I'm sure we'll order gifts online, do drinks and dance parties! Wait, that sounds like just a regular day....I guess we try to celebrate life here on the daily! :)

What changes do you think you will permanently implement after this experience?

Like I said, not much has changed for us. I can't think of anything that will major that we'll be doing differently.

Are you ready to get back into the world (with safety precautions in place)?

Meh, yes and no. I miss going to Goodwill, and restaurants. That's about it, lol.

Which TV shows have you been watching and what do you think everyone else should start?

I downloaded the new Quibi app on my phone, and have been loving the bite sized stories they offer!

What are you happy to leave behind in the “old world?”

I wish there was more I could leave behind, like stupidity, ignorance, negativity...bahahaha

What can you appreciate most about the “new world?”

I'm so excited that companies are finally realizing that working from home CAN work. Sucks they were forced into it, but it's been a long time coming!

What is the first thing you’re going to do when the shelter-in-place is lifted?

I'm really looking forward to going to our favorite sushi spot, actually sitting down and being served, and being able to chat with strangers!

Who is the person you have missed seeing most during this time?

Video chat and phone calls have been keeping me in touch, so I don't really feel like I'm missing anyone :)

What song would best represent the time you’ve spent at home?

R.E.M. "It's The End of The World" (as we know it...and I FEEL FINE!)

What significant impact, if any, will the virus have on your plans for this year?

Nothing that I can think of!

In a fantasy world where the virus doesn’t exist and money isn’t an issue, where is your dream vacation destination?

I've always wanted to go to Bali!