|My favorite pole performance|
How did I get back here?
I blame my weight but I actually did a spreadsheet today to track my labs over the last few years. It is the AST and ALT that are always elevated. So, let's see if there's a pattern.
Date Weight AST (10-30) ALT (6-29)
3/2013 257 33 21 (fairly normal levels)
6/2014 257 57 37 (started working with Ellen)
9/2014 246 42 29
12/2014 244 39 29 (almost normal again!)
6/2015 255 48 30 (WTF?!)
Okay, I went from 263 pounds (12/2013) down to 242 (10/2014) and now back up to 255, but why did the AST jump ten points? When I weighed essentially the same weight in 2013, my levels were normal! (P.S. I started that really crappy job in San Francisco in October 2012 and left in February 2014. It is entirely possibly that the horrible numbers in 2014 were a direct result of how many cupcakes (and really unhealthy lunches) I was eating at that job. My favorite sandwich was a grilled cheese with mac and cheese in the middle. Seriously.)
I was broken when I left my doctor's office. I didn't say a word. I just took that stupid prescription. My mind was racing. What could it hurt to take a few pills? Lose the weight, stop taking them, then I'll be all fixed and I won't gain the weight back...this time. I think I've been through this before. So many times, I can't even count. Luckily, I looked up the prescription and learned I had actually already taken it under a different name and had a really bad reaction to it (it is also an anti-depressant). I already knew I shouldn't take that prescription but that helped me make a more final decision. No diet pills for me. I e-mailed my doctor and explained why I wouldn't be turning in the prescription. His response was that I needed to take this seriously because fatty liver could kill me. Life is going to kill me. And so will all the drugs doctors try to push on me.
I went to yoga and cried through the entire class. I cried all the way home. I cried while I fell asleep. It's the same question I ask every time. WHY ME? Why do *I* have to struggle so much with these issues? I know that drugs and surgery and diets aren't the way to fix me. With Ellen's help, I KNOW how to do all the right stuff. I need my brain fixed. I need the thing fixed that tells me I need to turn to sugar (or shopping...now you understand why I don't have credit cards even though my debit card number has been stolen twice this year already!) when any amount of stress hits me. Because I went months last year without issue. I don't even know if there was a single issue that made me turn back to sugar. Maybe just the fact that it was available in my office because Halloween happened and there was candy at every desk. What I do know is that I need to stop thinking about sugar as an optional item. I can't have it. There is no "everything in moderation" for me. I cannot handle sugar (and no one should...go watch the documentary, Fed Up).
I am still listening to the Psychology of Eating podcasts and watching their videos. I would like to save up for their eight week online program. I found a program in my own town that may be covered by my insurance, but it requires me to leave work an hour early four days a week for 11 weeks. I'm not ready to tell them I'm that broken. Plus, it seems to focus on modeling good food behaviors. I know the right behaviors. I need my brain fixed. I am searching for a new psychologist who actually specializes in eating disorders. I have gone to therapy many times, but I never really make my food issues a topic of discussion.
In the meantime, Ellen would also like me to get tested for food and gut sensitivities. She can help make an educated guess about what is happening inside my body, but since I've had my digestive system re-routed, we don't really know. The good news is that I didn't let last night's freak out turn into a sugar binge today. I have been working out consistently (yoga generally five days a week, Jazzercise once a week, couch to 5k once a week; soon to get back to pole after a shoulder strain a month ago). I am still eating proper meals way more often than not (but will admit I eat popcorn for dinner when I'm in "that" kind of mood -- it is made with olive oil though and popped on the stove, not in the microwave). The candy has been banished from my office. I'm not even adding sugar to my tea in the morning! I do still wonder why the fuck I keep passing up cupcakes at work, though, if my labs are going to keep doing whatever they feel like doing.
Someday soon, I hope, I will be a normal girl. A girl who just gets up every day and only has to worry about which outfit she is going to wear to work. I should track all of my thoughts about food and weight so I can actually show people how much of my life is wasted worrying about dumb shit.
|Point your toes!|
My niece is only six months old. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to learn how to have a disordered relationship with food or hate her body because she sees her Aunty that way. I was named after my mom's best friend. She was my Auntie Lori. She had anorexia. And she killed herself six years ago. I can't be that Aunty Lori. I need to be healthy and strong to show that little girl that women can be any shape or size, still be healthy and still love their bodies.
If you have any suggestions for podcasts or websites that may help, please suggest them below. I'm desperate and I will do anything to fix myself!