Thursday, August 24, 2017

It's Not Me, It's You

There is so much power in being broken. It isn't your fault when you're a victim. No responsibility for your own actions, or how you allow others to treat you. You are merrily skipping along the dark path in your lush red cape when the Big, Bad Wolf comes along and eats you. It wasn't your fault. You were merely an innocent victim. Never mind the worst tracker in the world could have picked up on the fact that the wolf was behind you for miles, crunching leaves and breathing down your neck.

I had a pretty epic meltdown on Facebook last night. Recently, I deleted probably 1,000 Facebook "friends," so at least it wasn't as public as my last epic meltdown. Yesterday, I was hurt by someone I loved. Actually, not by him. I was hurt by a post I saw on Facebook, and my reaction was to immediately lash out at him. My behavior was completely out of line. It is not to take responsibility  off of anyone else. He and I have been having issues for awhile and have been hurting each other back and forth. After a bad interaction several months ago with the other person who posted, I question whether she posted on purpose knowing it would bother me. Who knows. Maybe I am just too far in victim mode to realize it was never about me and I chose to react rather than take a breather before responding. Then the dreaded "de-friending" on Facebook happened. The break is finally done. And I was devastated. 

So I posted that shit on Facebook. But not, like, what was really happening. Some vague shit so people could think I was being dark and mysterious, but still feel bad for my pathetic ass.

I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Literally, I lost three pounds yesterday, and that could only have come from dehydration -- snot and tears. I got in bed as soon as I got home and cried and texted and texted and cried. I was in that dark place, the place where the pain is SO deep that you can honestly see how people commit suicide. Your moment of weakness comes and you think, if you just take those pills, the pain goes away and you can be free. Without the babies, I would have taken those pills last night. I would have done anything to make that pain in my head and chest stop. I don't think I have ever in my life felt so dark. And for what? A failed relationship? Shit happens, lady.  Put your big girl panties on and get back to living.

People called me to make sure I was okay.  I received tons of messages last night from friends, telling me exactly what I thought my bruised ego needed to hear. "You're fucking awesome!" "Don't let this get you down!" "He's a jerk, you deserve better!" "Keep your head up!"

And you know what? It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel like shit. Because, in reality, I'm not upset with him. Or her. I'm upset with myself. My behavior was ridiculous and completely out of line for a 40 year old woman. Granted, I didn't drive to his house and slash his tires or anything, but I was an asshole to him, and I took my personal drama to the fucking internet and let everyone see my crazy.

But seriously, fuck Facebook. Fuck Facebook for letting that stupid ass post show up in my feed. Fuck me for falling for it and reacting, then needing that dopamine high from every response I received. Why do we rely so heavily on Facebook for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.? All I wanted to do last night was delete Facebook from my life. But, NCPP is in two days and I use Facebook for that. And, my family and friends are on Facebook, and it is so easy to  keep in touch there. And...and...but...but...

I'm embarrassed about how I acted. I apologized to him, but the damage is done. Our friendship (if we were going to be able to salvage one) will never be the same. What makes a grown ass woman act like a 16 year old girl? I don't feel powerful in victim mode. The more people I talked to about what was happening, the worse I felt. I was supposed to be happy hearing everyone telling me that I'm amazing and my knight in shining armor is right around the corner. The truth is, I don't need a man to make me happy, and I don't like the person I've become recently. My power comes from realizing that and taking control of my life again.

I spent many years -- mostly my late 20's and all of my 30's -- not feeling good emotions. I had two relationships where I was not in love even a little bit. I was angry. I walked away from those relationships -- which collectively spanned a decade -- without shedding a single tear. The last couple of years, I have really changed how I show up in the world. I feel less angry and I opened myself up to feeling love. I guess in the process, that means I also had to open myself up to feeling hurt. Anger seems so much easier. I don't know why.

I've been reading a lot of books about love and relationships, especially about attachment styles, and why we act the way we do. So reasonable-me understands why I acted the way I did. Apparently my story isn't so special. Seemingly awesome, independent, confident, successful women get into unhealthy relationships and turn "psycho" all the time. I don't want to be that statistic. And I recognize I'm here further sharing my personal bullshit with the world, but writing is cathartic for me. I need to get things out so they don't fester and cause me to blow up. Case in point: last night.

So, for anyone who witnessed last night, I am sorry. I am trying to say I'm sorry less for things I shouldn't apologize for, but I need to apologize for my behavior.  I deleted the post but a lot of people saw it. I am a professional woman who has somehow managed to get up and dress myself every day, and build a decent career in the legal field. I know better. For anyone who texted, called, messaged, posted on Facebook, etc. -- thank you. I didn't mean to make light of your kind words above. I appreciate every single one of them. I just realized I was using them to stay in victim mode. This morning, I am taking my power back. I have a life full of awesome people and adventures and I am always grateful for that. But even Wonder Woman needs to have a vulnerable moment every once in awhile. 

And to him, even though I can't imagine he will ever see this...I am sorry. I know that probably won't mean anything today, but I take responsibility for my contribution to the downfall of our relationship and friendship. You taught me a lot about love and what I want for myself. For that, I will be eternally grateful.