Swapping Problems

So what happens when you try to be a good girl and not go shopping every weekend?  Your pants get tighter.

Wait.  What?

I've talked about it before but it is seriously affecting my life right now.  Addiction transfer.  It was something I was hyper aware of before gastric bypass.  I knew that food was no longer going to be my friend so I had to be very careful about shopping or drinking alcohol (or doing drugs, or having sex, or pick any number of things we can become addicted to).  And shopping definitely became my new drug of choice.  I have often likened a shopping binge to a drug binge -- waking up from a weekend of whirlwind shopping with receipts clutched in my sweaty little hand instead of a needle in my arm.  I could easily throw down thousands of dollars in a weekend.  On crap.  Nothing I ever needed.  Most things I didn't even want after I had them.  Then I'd feel guilty.  Guilt makes me feel bad, which just made me want to shop more. 

Rob and I got together almost a year ago.  We just moved in together and, although we don't share a checking account, we pretty much consider all of our finances to be joint.  So, I have been really good about not going shopping -- not spending OUR money.  Other than a couple of small items, I haven't bought myself anything in quite awhile!  So, now that explains why I'm getting fat.  Clearly I've just re-transferred my addiction back over to food!!  You don't have to eat an entire cake or visit McDonalds three times a day to have a food addiction.  It can be very sneaky.  And I consider myself food obsessed, so thinking all day about dieting and watching my calorie intake really just makes me want to eat more food. 

I'm four days into this candida cleanse.  I had to alter it a bit to make sure I'm getting the nutrients I need post-gastric bypass.  And I've had a bit of a headache, but I feel like I'm doing pretty well on it.  Today was my first slip up.  I had part of a donut.  I bought them for my boss for his birthday.  And I smelled them for two glorious hours.  Then I gave in.  But at least I didn't eat the entire box, right?

This week has been great.  I've come to realize some things.  First was realizing that my hip pain is most likely being caused by scar tissue (and I've been feeling better lately since Keith started working on breaking that up)....who knew scar tissue could do that?!  (Although I do have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow to confirm this.)  Second was realizing that my pants getting tighter had much to do with my old demon rearing its ugly head again.  Third was realizing that toxic people are a waste of time and should be removed from my life (although the extraction process might cause some issues and I'm still working on that).  None are earth shattering but the combination should make my life somewhat more comfortable very soon. 

Now what do I do with this information?  Just because I'm aware of a problem doesn't mean its automatically fixed.  On the contrary, sometimes being aware of a problem almost makes it worse for me. 

My short term goal is to continue with the candida cleanse for a month (I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week to confirm I'm doing it the right way) and get back to the gym with my early morning friends (Rob and I have determined that we aren't on the same sleep or workout schedules, so P90X is out for me...I need social interaction to have feel motivated at the gym).  That's all I can do for now.  And for now, that has to be enough.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. 

Pick your poison

I realize I started this blog to talk about Twirly Girls and the fun I am having with pole fitness, and it has somehow turned into a blog about gastric bypass and weight loss.  But I figure they kind of go hand in hand, since I'm using Twirly Girls to get into shape and be healthy.  I appreciate everyone humoring me by reading my blog.  It has been very therapeutic.  

Most overweight people got there because they like to eat.  Maybe they don't like to call it food addiction, but for me, that's how it was.  I am food-obsessed.  And the more I thought (and still think) about food (i.e., planning out EVERYTHING via Weight Watchers, etc.), the more I wanted to EAT.  I happily joke that Weight Watchers made me fat.   Gastric bypass doesn't fix that problem.  In fact, it almost makes it worse because you WANT to eat but you can't.  So, after weight loss surgery, a lot of patients trade one addiction for another.  The one thing about food (as opposed to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, etc.) is that you CANNOT completely abstain!  You have to eat to live!!!  (As Weight Watchers likes to say:  Eat to live, don't live to eat!)

Addiction transfer after gastric bypass appears to be pretty common.  I've dealt with it myself.  I mean, not that I needed a reason to go shopping BEFORE surgery, but afterward, it was REQUIRED.  I was losing enough weight to drop a clothing size every single month.  Therefore, every other month, I literally had to replace my entire wardrobe.  That wasn't my fault.  I HAD to shop!  I picked my poison.  It was shopping!!  It's not healthy.  My credit cards paid the price (ha!).  Well, actually I paid the price since I have to pay those credit cards off.  I racked up a lot of debt.  The more weight I lost, the better I felt about myself and the more I wanted to go out and get cute clothes for my smaller frame.  It was easy to justify to myself.  I DESERVED these new clothes.  I was working hard to lose weight (no, I wasn't...it was just happening) and I couldn't go to work in clothes that were three sizes too big!  When you want something, it's easy to justify it to yourself.  It's also funny to me that I turned to shopping in good times AND bad.  If I was depressed, I eased the pain with shopping too.  Shopping was my new friend since Food had turned its back on me.

Some people take other routes.  Alcohol is another popular addiction. It gives you a similar rush to shopping with the added downside of calories you absolutely do not need.  I went through a short period of drinking more than I did before surgery.  I got drunk fast and it just made me feel good.  But I recognized it becoming an issue and hit the brakes.  Now I drink occasionally -- probably once a month or less.  I still love shopping, however. 

You know something is wrong when you have to hide it from the ones you love.  Hiding credit card receipts or acting like that new shirt was just some old thing you pulled out of the back of the closet.  Drinking alone or lying about how much you drink.  All hints that you have a problem. 

I absolutely advocate therapy after gastric bypass.  Not just a support group.  One-on-one, intense therapy to figure out WHY you need to self-medicate.  Whether it's food, shopping, alcohol, sex, drugs, or anything else, sometimes "everything in moderation" cannot apply! 

Until next time, put down that credit card and keep twirling!!