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Thursday, October 10, 2019

Tales of the Traveling Burrito Blanket

Hawaii
Earlier this year, I saw a Facebook ad for a burrito blanket.  It's a blanket.  That looks like a tortilla.  And I needed to own one.  Immediately.  I ordered one for a ridiculous price.  I think I paid more than $30.  When it arrived, there was something wrong.  It looked nothing like a tortilla.  It looked like someone was stabbed while wearing a white blanket (we called it the murder blanket or the period blanket).  It was horrible and looked nothing like what was advertised.  So I emailed the company and demanded my money back.  They responded that they had been given a "bad batch" but that they had new ones and they promised it would actually look like a tortilla.  So, I let them send me a replacement.  When it arrived, I was ecstatic!  I could make a burrito!!!  Finally!  

So, with what you know about me, you can guess that I did the only thing you could possibly do with a blanket that looks like a tortilla: I decided to make a photo album of the burrito blanket's adventures.  


 Muir Woods
First stop:  Hawaii.  I thought my burrito blanket deserved a vacation, so I took it with me on my trip to visit friends in June (in addition to looking like a tortilla, it is actually a light, soft blanket that is perfect for air travel).  We had adventures all over the island of Oahu.  On my last night, I packed up my little blanket, in preparation for flying home the next day.  When I got home, I couldn't find my blanket anywhere.  I was devastated.  I checked with my friends to see if I had left it on accident.  They didn't see it, and I very specifically remembered packing it into my bag.  So, I did what anyone would do...I took to social media to shame the TSA for stealing my burrito blanket!  I also immediately went to Amazon to order myself a replacement.  I figured I would have more protections if I used Amazon, plus they had a million options for size and color.  


Meet the Murder Blanket
A day later, my friends sent me a photo of the burrito blanket, still living in Hawaii.  And then I remembered that yes, I did pack my burrito blanket, then I worried it was still damp, so I took it out of my bag, and it got thrown into the washer with some towels.  Whoops!  Sorry, TSA!  I quietly took my post down, and told my friends that they were now the proud owners of a burrito blanket.  A day after that, Amazon Prime paid off, and a package showed up at my door.  I picked it up off the doorstep and excitedly opened my new burrito blanket.  A second later, there was another knock at the door, and another box was delivered.  It was the same exact size and weight as my first box.  Could it be??  Was the Universe rewarding me with TWO burrito blankets?!  YES!  Yes, the EXACT same burrito blanket was in the second box.  Again, I took to social media to talk about my amazing good fortune.  
San Luis Obispo

I got a message from my friend Heather a minute later.  She couldn't stand the thought of me being without my burrito blanket, so she bought me one as well.  She literally chose the same brand, size, and color as the one I chose!  She's so amazing.  So, now I have two burrito blankets.  One lives in my car for those impromptu burrito blanket photoshoots.  And the other lives in my house, ready for any travels we may want to take together.  

I know some people question my mental state sometimes.  I don't consider myself immature.  I am able to hold down a good job and pay my own bills.  But I do appreciate the silly things in life.  So, I will leave you with this quote and a few photos of my burrito blanket's adventures:  

It's okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.
~ Richelle E. Goodrich


Las Vegas
Family Reunion in Tracy

One Last Ride

Buy nine, get one free...  There should be a punch card for surgery.  Strangely, that kind of happened.

Last week, I went in for my tenth, and hopefully final (for now) surgery.  Last year, I posted about my ninth overall surgery, a (surprise) replacement of a leaking breast implant.  I had to go back in for another surgery because they were so uneven.  Any time I did downward dog in yoga, one nipple was constantly coming out of my sports bra.  Just one.  I have an all or nothing requirement for nipples hanging out of my bra.  So, this surgery was a scar revision to even them out.  Everything appears to have gone well.  My pain is well-managed.  I'm resting fine.  I am hopeful that this will be the final resolution for my poor abused boobies.  The next surgery I have on them will be when I have my implants removed when I'm 70. 

What does this mean for my (already non-existent) "pole career?"  I'm essentially done with pole.  Other than teaching a few classes for friends here and there, I haven't poled regularly in a long time.  It is very uneven and painful for my body.  I have had a good ten year run, and appreciate the opportunities pole has provided for me, but it is time to retire my hooker heels.  I never could walk in them anyway. 

I am also in the middle of some other life changes.  I had started school a couple of months ago (which I don't enjoy), and am going to be buying a house in a few months.  I just have new priorities.  I would like to focus on Nature Goddess Adventures, which I believe still embodies the Confessions of a Twirly Girl message of loving yourself and finding joy in life.  So, this blog will continue because I believe the Twirling Viking Warrior will live on, just in a different form.  Although, I do need to decide how helpful it is to write these blogs publicly.  Facebook very clearly hides the links in order to force me to pay to boost them, and I have noticed that my clicks have gone down significantly in the last couple of years.  I guess as long as I'm getting something out of it, I should continue.

So, thank you to all of you who have come along on this bumpy ride with me over the last ten years.  I hope that you will continue along with me as I transition more to hiking and yoga with Nature Goddess.  I appreciate all of you!

Monday, August 12, 2019

Little Boxes Theater

Although my pole dancing "career" is winding down (more surgery ahead, heading back to school, etc.), I couldn't pass up the opportunity to do a sparks photoshoot with the dynamic duo from Little Boxes Theater last May.  They have a space in San Francisco, but this shoot was actually done at Twirly Girls in Pleasanton.  Someone is quite literally grinding metal to create sparks behind you during the long exposure.  You have to find a move you can hold for about 10-20 seconds (which was hard for me in heels, so I chose really simple moves and was still surprised at how bad I was shaking), and then he moves behind you in the dark to create the effect.  It was pretty cool. 

The sparks never hurt but my thigh highs came away with holes in them, so be careful with certain materials.  My bathing suit was fine. 

They are also known for rain and glitter shoots, and I understand they recently started doing underwater shoots. 

Anyway, I don't know why it has taken me this long to post these photos, but I wanted to share them here.  Please contact Little Boxes Theater to book your shoot!











Saturday, June 29, 2019

The Koko Head Challenge

Lulumahu Falls
 A couple of weeks ago, I was very fortunate to be able to visit my friends Jake and Wendy in Hawaii - on the island of Oahu.  I haven't been to Oahu in 20 plus years.  I last stayed in Honolulu/Waikiki Beach.  It was kind of like San Francisco, just on better water.  Tall buildings.  Crowds.  Beautiful and I'm certainly not complaining about being in Hawaii, but it wasn't my favorite trip.  Staying with friends outside of the big city was a much nicer experience.  I got to hang with locals in cool spots and saw things I never would have seen had I been in the tourist trap.  

My first full day on the island, we hiked Lulumahu Falls.  It was funny because there were fences and signs to keep out but everyone was happy to point you in the right direction.  Even a police officer told us how to get started.  It wasn't a super difficult hike, but it wasn't easy either.  You're crossing streams and climbing over fallen trees and rocks.  But the falls are beautiful and swimming before we came back down was a treat.  I fell a couple of times on that hike.  Once trying to climb over a fallen tree or rock (got into those splits I don't have).  The second fall was a pretty awesome slo-mo fall on my face in the water when I slipped on some moss.  I also had a couple of slips on the way down.  I started chronicling my falls on Facebook because they were so funny. 
On our way to Lulumahu Falls

After that, we headed to Waimanalo, which a travel website named as one of the ten most beautiful beaches in the world.  It did not disappoint.  We saw a turtle hanging out around the rocks.  It would poke its head up to say hello every once in awhile.  My friends told me a "hilarious" story about their friend who was almost eaten by a shark and had to swim to this island to save himself.  His friends never came looking for him and he eventually had to swim back.  When they tell it, it is pretty funny, but I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been in the moment.  On the way home, we stopped at the Makapu'u Lookout and Halona Blowhole.  We ended the tour with sunset at China Walls.  I can't even describe the beauty that was China Walls.  You walk out on to this cliff and people are surfing along the rocks.  There is no beach in site.  The waves and sunset were indescribable.  It was amazing.

The next few days included hanging out, a pinup contest (Congratulations to Wendy for taking third!!!), and the full moon at a gay bar.  We did so much but if I go into it all, this blog will be a 20 minute read.  It was such a fun time.  From my friends' backyard, I could see a mountain with some stairs on it.  Koko Head.  I wanted to do that hike.  (Well, what I REALLY wanted to do was the "stairway to heaven," the Haiku Stairs, but they are closed to the public and I didn't want to risk the $1,000 fine or wrath of the locals who live near there.  Also, it is four times as many stairs as Koko Head, so I should probably be relieved I couldn't try them.)

Pinup ready
On my last full day before leaving, Jake took me to Koko Head.  Now, from far away, it looked totally doable.  Once you're standing at the bottom of those stairs, you realized you've probably made a horrible mistake.  This is over 1,000 "stairs."  Not stairs.  This used to be a railroad for the military to get supplies up to their lookout.  It is often steep and the railroad ties are not evenly spaced.  Before we even start, I know I'm going to die.  It is also later in the morning, so the sun is beating on us, and it is humid.  I am sweating before we even take our first step.  I ask Jake how long it takes him to do the stairs.  He says 20 minutes.  So I say, then I can do them in 40.  And so we begin.  I don't want to bore you with too many details, but let's just say that it doesn't take me long to realize I am not going to be able to hike this as quickly as I thought.  My heart rate almost immediately gets up to max level, and stays there.  I was often having to take breaks every five steps.  There are parts where it is steep, or you are going over a ravine, so climbing like a ladder is easier than standing straight up.  There was a point where I am huffing and puffing and I hear a guy on his way down on the phone.  He says something about grandma being up there still.  I was like, your grandma did this?!  Jesus.  I saw his grandma later.  She told me it took her two hours to get up there.  I just keep telling myself to keep moving.  Even if its slowly.  One step at a time.  But I get five steps in and I need to take a break and drink some water.  It was embarrassing.  I kept telling Jake, I know I'm not in the best shape, but I shouldn't be THIS bad.  He was super patient and just kept saying to rest as much I needed to.  I realize now that I probably didn't fuel up properly for this hike, and maybe didn't drink enough water.  There's a video of me coming up the last few steps and I look delirious.  Also, once I was on top, I took some "panoramic" photos, yet they aren't on my phone, which means I didn't do it right.  But I went through the motions as if I had taken them.  Anyway, I was slowly making my way up, and I saw an Australian girl sitting on the other side.  She said she was in good shape and had trained for it, and she was also struggling.  So we decided it was the humidity and heat.  Finally, I am almost to the top and Jake is taking a video.  Later, I'm watching myself sway and kind of lumber up the steps.  I look down and I see a squid painted on something with Lolo under it.  Although Lolo is my nickname, it means crazy or stupid in Hawaii.  I laughed and walk up the last few steps.  It totally motivated me to keep moving. 

Along the hike up, almost everyone who passed me offered encouragement. You can make it!  It will be so worth it when you get up there!  Jake wanted to make it a drinking game but we would have died from alcohol poisoning.  You're probably wondering how long it took me to get to the top?  Only 0.7 miles, but it was practically straight up.  An hour and 20 minutes.  That's how long.  At least I beat that guy's grandma.  And people weren't lying.  The views were worth it.  Once I had the chance to sit and eat a snack, I was a whole new person.  Jake and I made a friend at the top of the stairs that day.  She was an Australian girl traveling alone.  She hiked down off the mountain and came to Cockroach Cove for a celebratory swim later. 

Climbing Koko Head "stairs"
Jake and I talked about that hike later.  He said some people give up.  I couldn't imagine being that close and not finishing.  There's certainly no shame in respecting your body's limits, but I just kept telling myself, "take one more step."  There were points where I was literally pushing down on my knees to keep myself moving.  Failure was not an option.  It was a mini version of my Half Dome trip.  I was going to finish that climb no matter what.  And I owe that to the encouragement of the friends who took me on those hikes. 

On the hike down, Jake ran ahead and our new friend Mallory stayed with me.  Within the first couple steps, I tripped and scraped my leg and elbow.  Then another couple of steps later, I twisted my knee.  I could put weight on it, but bending it hurt a lot.  Getting down one sided was going to be a challenge.  So I sat on my ass and crab walked down most of it.  Way easier on my knees.  Not so much on my butt and hands.  I ripped my pants.  But we made it down in under 30 minutes. 

We then went to Cockroach Cove to swim in the ocean.  The beach is beautiful.  We bobbed in the waves for a bit.  Then I ran to get my phone to go up along the side to take some photos of Jake and Mallory.  I hit some weird sand cliff and did another slo-mo roll down the sand, completely covering myself in this super fine white sand.  It took me forever to get that sand out of all of my crevices.  It was hilarious.  I don't know why I fell so much on this trip, but I provided some good entertainment for others. 
China Walls

Once we left the beach, Jake's coworker took us out in the ocean on his boat.  We saw turtles and rays.  The water was so beautiful.  It had rained, so we worried it was going to be too cold or rainy to be out, but it cleared up perfectly.  He took us to Kaneohe Bay Sandbar.  You're in the middle of the ocean but you can get out and you're just in waist deep water!  It was so beautiful.  His friend's three year old son kept telling me he wanted to look at turtles or find treasure.  ("Aunty, let's look for treasure!!"  He is so adorable.)  So we picked up coral and looked at it (don't worry, we left it there).  Once we were done, as we were driving back, he goes, "oh look over there, its a tiger shark."  What.  The.  Fuck.  We were just swimming in this water!  Still, so amazing. 

I haven't taken a "real" vacation, an entire week off just for fun, in a long time.  I've done long weekends.  I've hung with the family.  But mostly, for the last few years, I've just been saving my time off work for surgery recovery.  This trip was so wonderful and I am so grateful to Jake and Wendy for hosting me.  It's sad how quickly time gets away from us, and we look up and years have passed without taking any significant time to recharge and do something for ourselves.  While I do have to have another surgery this year, the recovery should be much shorter, and this is going to be my last for the foreseeable future. 

I'm super proud of myself for that Koko Head hike.  One thing I appreciate about myself is that I rarely give up once I decide to do something.  Even if it takes me longer than someone's grandma, I will get there one step at a time.  If you want to check out some other photos of the hike, as well as some videos, check out Nature Goddess Adventures on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/naturegoddessadventures/

Waimanalo Beach
Cockroach Cove
Climbing Koko Head
View from Koko Head
View on the other side of Koko Head
Made it to the top of Koko Head
Made it back to the bottom of Koko Head
Celebration swim at Cockroach Cove
Kaneohe Bay Sandbar