The Fluffy Nature Goddess Update

Wow, I cannot believe it has been almost two years since my last post. I debated on whether a new post was even necessary. I recently spent a couple of days de-publishing over 300 old blogs from the last 14 years that contained a lot of self-hate directed at my weight, and bad science about dieting. I found my writing cathartic at the time, however, in reading it back now, it seems like a lot of unnecessary complaining. I can't say this post is going to end up being much different, but I love a good update. This is going to be a little long (if you know me, you won't be surprised). Here is a "how we got here" recap (shout out to Sam and Dean), and an update for you. Sorry if you've heard the story before, but this post is the backbone of what may become something bigger later on.

For my entire life I have “battled” obesity. I was always told that it was my fault because I couldn’t control myself. Eat less. Exercise more. I just had to try a little harder with the willpower thing. I was on Weight Watchers by the time I was 13. I was drinking disgusting and unhealthy Slim Fast throughout my childhood. I was on phen fen by the time I was 21. I had gastric bypass surgery at the age of 27. I lost 165+ pounds after that surgery, although I did gain some weight back. I went from close to 350 pounds, down to 180. At my lightest, I started taking antidepressants for the first time in my life, and started gaining weight again.  Eventually, I found a comfortable weight around 225 pounds. In 2013, I had foot surgery, and I rebounded up to 260, but I went gluten-free, increased my fat intake, and exercised a tiny bit more to get back down to my comfortable weight in 2016.

For my whole life, I have been sold the narrative that calories in versus calories out – calorie deficit and over-exercising – were the only way to lose weight (i.e., that willpower I apparently never had). I am not delusional – I understand food and exercise are part of the equation, but it is not 100% of the equation in a "fat" person's body. I was in the gym six to seven days a week when I was at my biggest. I was told that cardio was the best way to lose weight, and that women doing too many weight-bearing exercises were going to "look like a man."  All false. No one talks about how food is now engineered to have less nutritional value and more awful preservatives. How it’s created to make you want to eat more of the bad sugary (and non-filling) stuff.

I had three siblings who had the same parents and lived in the same household. They aren’t fat. So why am I? We ate the same food. My mom always said I preferred reading books to playing sports (even though I see pictures of myself playing softball as a kid). I just wasn’t an “active kid” apparently. However, I don’t necessarily remember being a completely sedentary kid either. My friend had horses, and I went to her house to ride and play outside. I walked to school most days. I had a paper route at the age of 11 that required me to either walk or ride my bike carrying heavy rolled-up papers. My grandparents had an apricot ranch, and I remember helping them – mowing the lawn (well, on a riding lawn mower but they had eight acres, so it was still pretty active), and cutting apricots to dry. I really didn’t think of myself as a lazy kid.

I was also tall for my age – often being mistaken for being older than I was. I remember hearing a story about someone thinking I was 8 when I was only 4. At the age of 8, I have a photo of me standing next to my best friend who is a few days older than me, and I was easily double her size. My parents split at the age of 12. My dad claims this is when he really noticed me starting to get chubby. However, I got my period at the age of 13. I was put on birth control at the age of 15. These are all things that might change the body (and weight) of a child.

I remember being 16 or 17 and I started going to step aerobics, so I lost some weight. I was probably also doing slim fast, maybe even Weight Watchers too. I was a junior in high school. One of the gym teachers could not believe it was me. He kept remarking on how much thinner I looked. He was so proud of me. It felt gross while also feeling great. I loved the praise. 

Post-gastric bypass, I saw how people treated you differently as a thinner person. People were nicer. I had men tripping over themselves to open doors for me, something that had never happened before. I could never figure out if it was my change in attitude, or their approval of me as a thinner person. It set me up for a lot of trust issues.

Currently, in 2024, at the age of 47, I am suddenly “battling” my weight again. When covid hit in 2020, and I was sent home to work, I ended up putting on about 40 pounds over two years. I got an Apple Watch, and started trying to be cognizant of my movement. I stabilized and was sitting around 265 pounds for the last couple of years. However, in 2023, I started to realize I had a lot of weird symptoms. Loss of strength, night sweats, insomnia, joint pain, hair loss, the before-mentioned weight gain (especially in the midsection, which makes me look very oddly shaped thanks to the plastic surgeries I had years ago), exhaustion to the point of it interfering with my life, extreme grumpiness to the point of fearing it was going to get me in trouble at work, brain fog, snoring, anxiety. Never had I been told that these symptoms could be related to perimenopause. And since they each came on slowly at different times, I just kept telling myself, well our bodies change when we get older. I thought menopause was something I wouldn’t have to deal with until I was in my 50’s or 60’s.

In September 2023, I took a Facebook quiz with the website By Winona, and realized I was having perimenopausal issues (but thanks to taking birth control for 24 years, I don't actually know if my body knows how to function without "hormonal issues"). All of these issues are related. Why is no one talking about this? If you talk to traditional doctors, they will often offer you birth control pills or anti-depressants, and tell you this is the best they can do. I didn't want to go back on birth control pills, but they promised it was a lower dose, and not the same. I had spent so many years abusing my body with medical advances, why not start using those advances to actually help me. Winona was offering a cream (estrogen/progesterone) that seemed like a better idea for me (post-gastric bypass, I can sometimes be malabsorptive in the vitamin/pill department). They were also offering a supplement called DHEA. I signed up. Within two weeks, I was feeling better. I didn’t even realize the exhaustion and joint pain were so bad until I felt better. Two weeks after starting, I was able to run down two flights of stairs to catch a BART train, something I could not have done before the hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I suddenly didn’t need Sunday to recover if I did ANYTHING on Saturday. I wasn’t feeling like biting off the head of every human I crossed paths with. It felt like a miracle.

However, after starting HRT, I suddenly gained another 15 pounds (my body loves to do everything in 15-pound increments). I am the heaviest I have been in the 20 years since gastric bypass surgery. I am unhappy (or am I?). I recognize that my joints do hurt a lot more when I am heavier. Also, my skin hurts and I feel like a sausage when I gain weight so quickly. I feel like I need to "do something" but none of my prior tricks are working. I am a decently active person. I do yoga, swim, and ride bikes. I wear an Apple Watch to make sure I am getting my steps in. In the last few years, I have tried tricks that worked in the past: 16:8 intermittent fasting, cleanses, the chicken taco diet, cutting alcohol, lowering sugar intake, increasing fat and protein intake. Nothing has really moved the scale in the “right” direction.

The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease in 2013 (and apparently this was affirmed in 2023). (Although many will argue that obesity is merely a symptom of other diseases, not a disease itself, I teeter totter on how I feel about that.) For my whole life, I was told that I was the one doing everything wrong. When I contacted a Kaiser doctor last year, asking if I could be considered for Wegovy (a GLP1 medication related to the popular diabetic drug Ozempic, which stabilizes blood sugar and has the side effect of weight loss), I was told I would have to jump through many hoops before I could be considered for Wegovy, including paying thousands of dollars out-of-pocket for Kaiser’s weight loss program, and for what I assume is highly processed, disgusting food. Even if I cleared all their hurdles, the out-of-pocket cost to me for Wegovy would be very high. Essentially, I was being told my very clearly chronicled lifelong disease had a potential new treatment, but I wasn’t (again) working hard enough for it. I mean, I was willing to scramble my insides, and I'm still "sick," so did I not show I was serious about my treatments?

I watched a TV show about stars who are taking Ozempic. One reality star, Heather Gay, made a comment in response to someone saying that she was taking the easy way out. This is not a direct quote, but she essentially said that if someone thinks she’s taking the easy way out then they likely have been blessed with a naturally thin body (or high metabolism). And I couldn’t agree more. I was heavily judged for having weight loss surgery, and will likely be judged for asking to take one of these GLP1s (Ozempic, Mounjaro, Wegovy, Zepbound…). However, that judgment likely comes from someone who has not spent their entire lives “battling” their weight, mind, and body.

I think back to being a 13-year-old on Weight Watchers. The embarrassment of having to step on that scale in front of people. I think of their awful slogans, such as: “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” I was always felt like a nuisance because clothes were not made for children my size (my height, not even just my weight). I now have nieces who are nine, five, four, three and two. The nine-year-old is already being called fat at school (and this kid is so active…jiujitsu, softball, soccer, basketball). Society can be awful – and it is so easy to point fingers at people and tell them they aren’t good enough. As if being fat is the worst thing you could be. I sometimes wonder how different my life could have been if I didn’t have this weight (no pun intended) hanging over me. I don’t want my nieces in particular to struggle this hard for their entire lives.

I listen to a podcast called Plain English with Derek Thompson. In episode "S2 E68: The Weight-Loss Drug Revolution, Part 1: Why These Drugs Work So Well" (published 12/12/2023), I was floored as I heard for the first time in my life that I am not simply the fat girl who can’t stop eating. Biologically, I may be unable to keep the weight off without further intervention (the drug appears to target compulsive behaviors in general, including smoking, drinking, shopping, gambling). I feel understood for the first time in my life. Gastric bypass made my stomach shrink so that I could not eat as much, however it did not fix the issues inside my brain that told me to keep eating. I have been part of a weight loss surgery support group since 2003 – one year before my surgery. I have watched so many people come into the group, lose weight, start gaining, then disappear because they were too embarrassed to face the group. I always felt sad, and I was always honest with the group about my struggles. I always felt like the problems were never truly being addressed. I talked about addiction transfer, and losing food as your coping mechanism. I begged people to get therapy as they lost weight. I usually felt like I was the only one preaching this, and that the doctors approving this surgery should have been taking the mental aspect a little more seriously. I feel validated.

I just hit the 20th anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery on March 17.  I have always been told that many people gain all or more of their weight back, and the fact that I am still significantly less than what I used to weigh, I am considered a success. I don't even know if those are facts, or just "what people say." I don't even know how studies define a "successful" weight loss surgery patient. However, I do consider myself a success. I have watched a lot of people get sick and/or die from other technically unrelated health issues, but I always felt their inability to get the nutrients their body needs contributed to their body's inability to heal. I have spent 20 years dialing in my vitamins, and trying to take care of myself the best I can.  I just got my blood work back and I had all perfect numbers for maybe the first time since surgery.  Even my liver looks good again! On paper, I am the healthiest I have ever been.

However, I am getting a little frantic about this recent weight gain. It is easy to scream about health at every size, but my knees hurt, and I can acknowledge the extra weight is contributing to that. I am unwilling to go off the HRT. I have reaped so many other benefits, so I need to deal with the weight another way. This podcast about the GLP1s was well-timed, as I had already made an appointment with my doctor to discuss options about weight loss in the perimenopause world.  

These new GLP1s are targeting gut peptides. For years, I have been hearing that we need to heal our guts in order to heal ourselves. It seems this is true. And, though I have been conditioned to feel like a failure for asking for medical intervention, I feel like there is no choice. In my 20’s, I was gaining 15 pounds per year, and was already 350 pounds at the age of 26. I could foresee a future of hitting 500 pounds in ten years if I didn’t get medical intervention. Now I am 47, and back up to 280 pounds. I have been without much help from my previous “medical intervention” for many years. The body is resilient, and I have heard many stories about how calorie malabsorption after gastric bypass only lasts about a year because the little cilia in the intestine just grows further down, allowing the calories to be absorbed again. The pouch doesn’t just stretch out, but the metabolism slows as it gets used to the lower calorie intake, meaning you can gain weight off eating a somewhat “normal” amount of food. You can’t win against this.

The podcast talks about “food noise,” or more importantly, the absence of food noise once they are taking a GLP1, an example given of thinking about what you’re going to have for lunch while you’re eating breakfast. Food and weight have consumed my entire life. I feel like I don’t have the luxury of not thinking about food, and half the time, it’s talking myself out of eating things I know I shouldn’t eat. I also get frustrated by being asked: “What do you want to eat?” As a food addict, I should have tons of opinions on what to eat, or where to go. However, I hate that decision. I don’t want to be responsible for making food decisions. I want others to make the decision, and then I will find something to eat once we are there. It even happens when I am alone in my own house. I don’t want to make a decision about what to eat for breakfast (when I know it should be a protein shake), so I don’t do anything until I end up eating some Ritz crackers (or other overly processed food), which I know isn’t a great choice for me. When I attended years ago, Overeaters Anonymous had a saying about food addiction. It was something like, when you have a drug addiction, you can put the tiger in a cage and lock it up, but when you have a food addiction, you have to take the tiger out of the cage and walk it three times a day. For some reason I always hated this statement. This just makes food the enemy. At the same time, I get it and I just want the food noise to go away so that the decision paralysis also (hopefully) goes away.

I have always tried to be careful not to reward myself with food (I am not a dog). I think my favorite part of the podcast is where Dr. Tchang says that there is a mental change once on the GLP1s where the brain sees food as only sustenance and not a source of comfort. I need that. I used to say: “Food is for fuel, not pleasure.” Not that it got me anywhere. I have over ten years of blogs showing my obsession with finding the answer to fixing my broken body and mind. I put “food is” into the search bar of my Google doc and over 1,000 hits came up. Most of them found entries for “food issues.” This makes me so sad. This has shaped my entire life, including this blog. I think I believed my blog was helping others who had the same issues I did, and maybe it did a little. I felt like the writing was cathartic. When I recently went through my almost 1,000 published blogs, I de-published over 300 of them where I felt like I was just whining about being fat, and pushing the narrative that I was being lazy. I have been told by society for my entire life that fat people are lazy, and apparently I believe that narrative about myself. I spend so much time making sure I’m never sitting at home on the couch watching too much TV, when rest and relaxation is a normal part of life that “even fat people” should get to enjoy without guilt or shame. I had gastric bypass so that food and weight would not be my main focus in life, yet it seems like food and weight have remained in the starring role no matter what I do.

I went to Kaiser last week to discuss the GLP1 injections with my doctor. I was worried I was going to have a battle on my hands. She was actually sympathetic and willing to help, but her hands are tied by the insurance company (this is why HMOs should not be making our health decisions). I have to jump through hoops to get to the GLP1s. She handed me a to do list, which included a visit with a "health educator." That visit happened this week, and it was...enlightening, or maybe terrifying.

I was told by a Kaiser health educator that I should be doing one hour of cardio, seven days a week. Not a single mention of weight bearing exercises. I think 50 years of people running on treadmills has taught us that cardio is not the gold standard for weight loss. In fact, when I was my fattest (pre-weight loss surgery), I was going to the gym six to seven days a week. It certainly did not prevent the need for surgery. I was told that intermittent fasting is making people fat (sure, could be a problem for some, but not for others). I was told that half of my dinner plate should be vegetables (as a gastric bypass patient, we are taught that protein is first). I was also told not to eat too many nuts or avocados (she also lumped milk products in here, as if they are the same as nuts or avocados).  She claims she has noticed a lot of people gaining weight from avocados. I would be willing to go out on a limb and say not a single person seeking help from Kaiser got fat from eating avocados.  She also believes that a plant-based diet is best, although she understands how "Americans like their meat." I personally know two people who were vegetarian or vegan, and benefitted from adding some meat to their diet. No one says you have to run out and start eating rare steaks, but some bodies do benefit from animal protein. Never once did she ask me about my sugar intake. I feel like that should have been her first question.

I was a little shocked by the information given to me. I chose not to argue with her, and I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know anything about nutrition and might believe everything that came out of her mouth. I swear she read a book about dieting from 1980 and just regurgitated it. One size fits all is just irresponsible, and I am saddened that a person who is supposed to be a health educator said any one of those things, let alone all of them in a single conversation.

I have a follow-up with my own doctor next month, and hope she will have something to help me move the scale in the "right" direction again. Before they consider the GLP1 injections, I have to try an oral medication. I don't need to be skinny, but I would like to feel less creaky. I am tired of feeling like I'm 80 years old every time I stand up. 

Years ago, when I had gained weight after my foot surgery, I went gluten-free (well, gluten-less), and started eating a bunch of chicken tacos. However, I didn't otherwise change my life a ton. I was still going out, drinking and eating in restaurants. I was mostly doing whatever activity I was already doing (yoga and pole dancing). But I was able to shed about 30 pounds. I tried the chicken taco diet in January. Not a single pound lost. I went from drinking alcohol every night while we made dinner to once a week or less. No weight loss. I am swimming, doing yoga, riding bikes. No weight loss. Calories in versus calories out logic tells me that one of those things should have at least given me the courtesy of a few lost pounds. But I got nothing. I even started cold plunging in January. Certainly, I could freeze this fat off. I was gonna ramp up that metabolism and lose 50 pounds in two months! Nothing. (However, I will say that there are other benefits that keep me cold plunging.  I will probably need to write a separate blog about that.)

After all this has been said, I already know that my happiness is not tied to the number on the scale. I am the happiest and most content now – at the second fattest weight I have ever been in my life. I am in a healthy relationship, I own a home, I have a good job, I live near several family members and get to see them almost daily. In fact, the only time in my life that I needed antidepressants was when I was at my lowest weight. So why is being thin still such an attractive ideal for me? I can't really answer that question, but I love that these new drugs are finally recognizing that weight issues are as complex as the people they reside in.

I don't really know about the future of this blog. I don't want to pretend that I have a huge audience out there still following me, waiting with bated breath for signs of life. However, I do miss the Nature Goddess hiking posts. Living farther away from my favorite places to hike (and having a dog who can't go to some of those favorite places with me), has slowed down my big (or far away) hiking adventures. For the time being, I will just leave it open ended. I hope to have some more posts along the way, but if I stop posting, it doesn't necessarily mean anything terrible has happened. Life is happening in the best possible way, and you can always check in on the Nature Goddess Facebook page for those updates.

Mobility Update: The Yoga Body Trapeze

It has been a year since I posted about losing mobility, and two years since the world shut down for covid.  I complained of weight gain and loss of energy.  I consciously started moving more (and sitting less) about a year ago, so I have successfully maintained the same weight for the last year.  I am ready to drop some of the weight, but that is always a tightrope walk for me.  I gave up those sugary Vitamin Waters again.  No weight loss.  Gave up drinking alcohol every night.  No weight loss.  It gets frustrating.  I know if I just start heavily restricting calories, it will cause a binge eventually.  So I have to cut a few calories and burn a few calories.  Slow and steady.  I guess due to my age, the weight has gone into a weird place too.  It is my mid-section, which would have been fine if I didn't have that tummy tuck scar holding certain areas so tightly.  The fat is squishing into weird places, making my organs feel crowded and giving me pretty epic back fat when I'm wearing a bra.  Good luck in child's pose during yoga.  I almost can't breathe.  

Last month, I passed the 18th anniversary of my weight loss surgery with no fanfare.  I guess I don't see it as something to necessarily celebrate anymore.  I think I had hoped that surgery would get me out of the "diet world," and that's just not the case.  I am still very focused on food and diet and body image issues.  I think I have finally accepted that I'm still essentially the same person, whether I'm 350 pounds, 180 pounds or somewhere in between.  

I am getting married later this year, and while I don't want to do a crazy diet and take a bunch of "skinny" pictures at my wedding, only to balloon up again the next day, I would like to take myself to a healthier weight so my joints and body don't hurt as much.  The "unintended consequence" would be feeling more comfortable in a wedding dress.  At the end of the day, I remind myself not to hate my body, so I should be okay at this weight or 40 pounds lighter.  

Another fun thing that's happened in the last couple of years are night sweats.  Yeah.  I guess I'm at that age where all the fun aging stuff for women starts to happen.  By chance, however, while trying to rehab some thinning hair, I found a DHT blocker vitamin.  The night sweats went away immediately.  If I forget to take the vitamin, I sweat that night.  So, that's the one vitamin I won't miss for any reason.  I also have increased my protein and iron intake.  That seemed to help take care of the hair issue and the whole feeling exhausted thing.  This is life though, right?  As soon as you think you have everything figured out, something changes.  

For the last year, I have been seeing Facebook ads for the Yoga Body swing, so I finally ordered one.  I thought it would be nice to get upside down ("inversions are the fountain of youth" ~ Bel Jeremiah, former owner of Twirly Girls Pole Fitness).  It is not quite aerial hammock width (it is not wide enough for me to cocoon completely in it like I can a hammock), but it holds enough of me to be comfortable.  I just started using it this week.  Mostly I do a little strength training (holding the handles and trying to bring my knees to my chest), and a little stretching (tipping backwards so I can hang upside down, which leaves me prone to dog licks straight to the face).  I am finding that it is taking some time to get used to being upside down again.  My head felt like a grape that was about to explode the first time.  Now I'm able to hang upside down for a minute or so.  I just tip myself upright to rest for a few seconds, then I can go right back to it.  

Anyway, I hadn't done an update in a few months, so I thought I would post about my yoga trapeze.  Yes, I get it, everyone thinks its a sex swing.  I've heard all the jokes already.  But you can make anything sexual if you really want to.  This is set up out in my bonus room (yoga space/office), for my backyard neighbor to see if they really want to.  I'm thinking about getting rigging to hang it in the tree in the front yard.  That should get more neighbors talking!  Maybe I should be more concerned about it being in the background of my Zoom meetings, but I'll wait to see if anyone is brave enough to ask me about it.

I've been trying to find some good yoga trapeze classes on YouTube, but haven't found anything I love.  If you have any suggestions, please send me the links.  Thanks! 

Mobility

Mobility.  I'm losing mobility.  I feel old even saying that.  Today is one year since California shut down for two weeks to "bend the curve."  Friday the 13th was the last day I was in my office working a traditional "8-5," and California issued a mass quarantine order relating to the covid-19 pandemic effective Tuesday, March 17, 2020.  Also, today is the 17th anniversary of my weight loss surgery -- a journey that helped me lose 165 pounds.  

I have had so many surgeries in my lifetime.  Ten times, I have gone under anesthesia to allow a surgeon to cut into my body, sometimes having multiple procedures during the surgery.  Each cut is a scar.  Each scar locks my body down a little bit more.  You know, when my plastic surgeon did my "arm lift," he cut a "Z" into my arm pit.  This was so that I wouldn't lose the ability to raise my arms over my head.  Whenever I get a new massage therapist, even when I warn them, I feel them pause dramatically when they get to my lower body lift scar.  The scar itself is thin and well-done, so looking at it isn't all that exciting.  However, when you touch it, you can feel the thick scar tissue underneath.  It holds one part of my body tight, pushing gained fat into weird places my body normally wouldn't have carried it.  

The last year has been rough.  I've gained weight (with fat in places I've never seen it squish into before).  This is certainly not the highest post-gastric bypass weight I've ever been, but I'm not trying to make that a contest.  However, when I look at photos of myself from just a year ago, I can tell a huge difference (no pun intended).  In the world of loving your body, I know I shouldn't judge myself, but let's be real -- I'm judging myself (plus I feel like crap and everything hurts).  I'm not moving as much.  I'm consuming too much sugar.  My knees and hips ache.  My hamstrings are weak and short.  My calves are knotted.  My core is weak.  My mid-back hurts (if I'm being honest, so does my lower back).  I'm pretty sure I have a SLAP tear.  I shuffle like an old lady when I first stand up.  I couldn't squat without intense pain.  My hips are so tight, that thinking I could handle frog pose is a fun little joke I play on myself (which is a move I could do ten short years ago).  My new neck pain is sometimes unbearable.  I assumed it was my pillow and have tried all different brands.  I used the foam roller and a lacrosse ball for self-massage.  I saw a chiropractor and did all the exercises to strengthen my back, which was supposed to lead to less strain on my neck.  Didn't really help.  Finally, I saw a physical/massage therapist.  Her brand of massage is more therapy - what I imagine Thai massage might be like.  She contorts me into strange positions, then starts to work out the knots.  When I first walked into her office, she said, your chest is pulling your entire body forward!  She's right.  My shoulders and back round forward, toward all of those scars around my chest, arms and side, which is putting strain on my neck.  The two types of mesh anchored to my insides aren't helping either.  It all hurts.  All the time.  

2019

My running joke for years has been how I will feel like I'm doing the craziest, deepest backbend and someone will take a photo, and I will just be standing up stick straight.  In fact, I bought this little contraption that you can lay on that will give you a little back arch.  I figured it would be good to use if I'm going to be doing something like watching TV.  It has three levels.  Level 1 makes me feel like I'm doing a deep, painful backbend.  It causes maybe a two inch arch in my back.  Level 3 might kill me (I've never even tried it), but its hardly full wheel pose.  I have contraptions all over the house.  Foam rollers, yoga mats, straps, blocks, yoga wheel, neck traction hammock.  I even have a brace to wear to remind me to keep my shoulders back.  We just re-did the bonus room (i.e., my office and yoga room) so that I would have more room for my exercises.  All in the name of erasing pain.

Recently, I decided it was time to change up whatever I'm doing.  I purchased a physical therapy system.  It was designed to rehab a single certain injury.  I decided my entire body was the injury.  So I have some basic exercises I'm doing each morning to separately rehab my feet, hips, shoulders, hamstrings, knees, neck and back.  I also found a website offering mobility exercises (probably the first time I'm glad Facebook was listening to me complain since it showed up as a suggested ad).  It's called KaisaFit.  I have been doing those three times a week and am now going to subscribe to her entire site so I can have access to additional classes.  I'm still doing yoga with my favorite instructor, but I let myself get out of shape so I needed a little different care.  

2021

In November, I had a self-diagnosed LCL strain (knee), right before a big hike I had planned for Nature Goddess Adventures.  The pain was excruciating.  It killed me to cancel that hike, but I didn't have a choice.  I wouldn't have made a ten mile hike.  Shoot, I wouldn't have made it a mile.  Now only a few months later, I did a deep squat (all the way to the ground) without pain for the first time.  Sure, my heels pop up and I can't keep my feet as wide as I'd like, but I was able to squat.  That was a huge win for me.  I feel a little silly saying this but some days my exercises include things like: "sit on your knees."  I can't do it for long, but I can do it again.  I can also relax in child's pose (and am almost completely flat in pigeon on the right side).  I had continued yoga after my injury, but child's pose was painful (and I couldn't lay my chest on the floor in pigeon).  Now I am just back to regular stiffness during yoga, not pain.  They say (whoever "they" are) that one of the signs of how you're doing as you age is the ability to get up off the floor.  So I am on the floor all the time.  Nothing makes you feel older than saying one of your exercises is just getting up off the floor!  How am I facing this at the age of 44??  I faced the same question with my hip around the age of 33.  I thought I was going to be in a wheelchair by the time I was 40, but I completely cured myself (with help).  I can do it again.  Perhaps it is metaphysical, perhaps it's a real injury.  I need to do some soul searching to figure it out.    

Twice in the last few years, I have purchased those "do the splits in four weeks" or "be more flexible" types of programs.  In four weeks, I'm no closer to doing the splits than when I started, and I usually feel like I've pulled something (no matter how much I warm up beforehand).  I should know better.  I know my body.  Forcing it into weird shapes is never the right way for me.  My new programs are different.  More gentle.  And more appreciative of what my body can do instead of what it can't.  

The last year has been a lot (for everyone in the world).  There have been a lot of changes for me personally.  Yes, covid changed everything, but I bought this house and moved to suburbia.  I started working from home more often.  I was moving a lot less.  Maybe I'm happy in my relationship so I let myself get fat (also, all those people who said if you make more food at home, you'll lose weight, lied).  Maybe some of it is age.  But I wonder if this is how people get diagnosed with diseases like fibromyalgia.  Everything huts but there's no obvious cause for the pain.  I have been through this similarly before with my hip, although that was an acute pain and this is more like a general ache all over my body, especially in my knees and hips - they just kind of feel tired all the time.  I don't necessarily think it's my joints.  When I eat gluten, my hands hurt, and I believe that is joint pain.  The knees and hips are something else.  Generally, I can gauge inflammation by a psoriasis flare.  It is also an indication that I am stressed out.  But my skin looks okay right now, so that is confusing.  I also went through a minute of adult acne (I now believe it was related to wearing a mask, but I was worried it was hormonal), and that also caused some concern.  I've always had clear skin, so I get worried when issues pop up for no known reason.  I know I need to figure out what to balance to put my body back into homeostasis.  

January 2018

I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am in my life (like, how my body works).  Sure, we are born with certain limitations, but I believe most of mine were probably nurture over nature.  (The day after I wrote this blog, my friend Ellen sent a newsletter with a most fantastic subtitle: Genetics loads the gun, lifestyle pulls the trigger.)   I was the oldest child and took some weird mental responsibility for my family's well-being.  I was put on birth control at 15, which was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to my body.  Although I took on the chunky kid role around the time my parents split when I was 12 years old, I really gained weight after I started taking the pill.  Even worse, I stayed on it 24 years, completely messing up my hormones and my body's natural ability to regulate itself.  I preferred reading books over playing softball.  I took a job at 18 that causes me to sit all day, which has clearly blessed me with a shortened psoas.  I went to college and worked full time, choosing lots of fast food as my easy meal option.  I gained all that weight in my late teens and early 20's, leading to a decision to re-arrange my insides at the age of 27.  I then decided to have even more surgery to remove the sagging skin at the age of 30 (and multiple other times), which gave me all these scars.  I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if even one of those choices had been different.  My mom is thin and had knee replacements in her 50's, as well as hip replacements in her 60's.  Perhaps I was destined to have these issues, but my life choices contributed to the problem.

August 2018

Anyway, here we are.  Seventeen years after weight loss surgery changed my life (not necessarily for the better since lower weight doesn't automatically equal healthier body).  One year after covid changed it some more.  I've thrown around the idea of joining a program like Noom, or maybe even doing a cleanse.  I've already tried intermittent fasting with almost no weight loss (I thought giving up my morning sugary vitamin waters again should have given me something).  But I worry about what diet culture does to my mindset.  I know when I try to "diet" (i.e., concentrate on losing weight/count calories), I end up in a binge and a huge gain.  Instead of the number on the scale, I try to gauge my health by how I'm feeling (currently, like a sausage) and how my vitamin levels are (iron was low last year and it is time to get them checked again).  I'm currently taking tons of vitamins and recently added my protein shakes back into my meal plan.  My best bet is usually to "set it and forget it:" come up with a plan to make healthier choices and allow that to flow into my life.  I lost 35-40 pounds five to six years ago without counting calories.  I can do it again.  

I keep pondering how long I will keep up this blog.  I know I'm not writing much anymore.  I feel compelled to write on occasion just so it doesn't completely die (since I have been here for 11 years!), but I have no clue if the clicks I'm getting are real people still reading what I have to say.  I feel like, at one point, I was helping the cause, whether you were a plus sized poler, a gastric bypass patient, or just a regular person dealing with body issues.  Now I feel like I'm mostly using this like an online diary complaining about getting old, fat, and ugly.  Plus, I can tell Facebook hides my links in order to get me to pay for ads, which further lowers my audience reach.  So, if you're still out there reading these posts, feel free to leave a comment!  How's the last year been for you?  

Tales of the Traveling Burrito Blanket

Hawaii

Earlier this year, I saw a Facebook ad for a burrito blanket.  It's a blanket.  That looks like a tortilla.  And I needed to own one.  Immediately.  I ordered one for a ridiculous price.  I think I paid more than $30.  When it arrived, there was something wrong.  It looked nothing like a tortilla.  It looked like someone was stabbed while wearing a white blanket (we called it the murder blanket or the period blanket).  It was horrible and looked nothing like what was advertised.  So I emailed the company and demanded my money back.  They responded that they had been given a "bad batch" but that they had new ones and they promised it would actually look like a tortilla.  So, I let them send me a replacement.  When it arrived, I was ecstatic!  I could make a burrito!!!  Finally!  

So, with what you know about me, you can guess that I did the only thing you could possibly do with a blanket that looks like a tortilla: I decided to make a photo album of the burrito blanket's adventures.  

 Muir Woods

First stop:  Hawaii.  I thought my burrito blanket deserved a vacation, so I took it with me on my trip to visit friends in June (in addition to looking like a tortilla, it is actually a light, soft blanket that is perfect for air travel).  We had adventures all over the island of Oahu.  On my last night, I packed up my little blanket, in preparation for flying home the next day.  When I got home, I couldn't find my blanket anywhere.  I was devastated.  I checked with my friends to see if I had left it on accident.  They didn't see it, and I very specifically remembered packing it into my bag.  So, I did what anyone would do...I took to social media to shame the TSA for stealing my burrito blanket!  I also immediately went to Amazon to order myself a replacement.  I figured I would have more protections if I used Amazon, plus they had a million options for size and color.  

Meet the Murder Blanket

A day later, my friends sent me a photo of the burrito blanket, still living in Hawaii.  And then I remembered that yes, I did pack my burrito blanket, then I worried it was still damp, so I took it out of my bag, and it got thrown into the washer with some towels.  Whoops!  Sorry, TSA!  I quietly took my post down, and told my friends that they were now the proud owners of a burrito blanket.  A day after that, Amazon Prime paid off, and a package showed up at my door.  I picked it up off the doorstep and excitedly opened my new burrito blanket.  A second later, there was another knock at the door, and another box was delivered.  It was the same exact size and weight as my first box.  Could it be??  Was the Universe rewarding me with TWO burrito blankets?!  YES!  Yes, the EXACT same burrito blanket was in the second box.  Again, I took to social media to talk about my amazing good fortune.  

San Luis Obispo

I got a message from my friend Heather a minute later.  She couldn't stand the thought of me being without my burrito blanket, so she bought me one as well.  She literally chose the same brand, size, and color as the one I chose!  She's so amazing.  So, now I have two burrito blankets.  One lives in my car for those impromptu burrito blanket photoshoots.  And the other lives in my house, ready for any travels we may want to take together.  

I know some people question my mental state sometimes.  I don't consider myself immature.  I am able to hold down a good job and pay my own bills.  But I do appreciate the silly things in life.  So, I will leave you with this quote and a few photos of my burrito blanket's adventures:  

It's okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Las Vegas

Family Reunion in Tracy