I'd like to have my Big Mac and eat it too...thankyouverymuch!

You know, when I was overweight, I used to justify it by telling myself, "big girls don't get raped."  How sick is that?  As if that was the perfect reason to stay fat (and its not as if its true anyway).  I'm not sure if I ever had a healthy relationship with food.  My mom would go running a lot and skip dinner when I was a kid.  I recognize that now as a possible eating disorder.  Back then, that was just called a diet.  Diets wreck your metabolism.  A lifetime of dieting is possibly keeping you fat.

As I said before, I am six feet tall so I was always bigger than the other kids.  We aren't born knowing that different is often considered "wrong."  Society imposes that on us.  I remember being at home when I was a pre-teen.  My mom's best friend was in the front room with me.  She pulled me aside to express concern for my weight (I love my Auntie Lori...may she rest in peace...but she battled anorexia her entire life).  I remember the hot flash across my cheeks.  So embarrassing.  She hadn't even finished her talk with me before my mom, head fully upside down, blow-drying her hair in the bathroom, called me in to have the exact same chat -- like we were just chatting about the fun things we'd be doing that day.  I think it hurt my feelings that it was so clearly pre-planned by them and that their execution was flawed because it made me feel attacked since one wasn't even finished talking to me before the other called me over to beat me down some more.  That's probably the first time I truly remember (or at least still remember 20 plus years down the road) feeling ashamed about being bigger.  And, remember, I was not even close to fat yet.  

Its sad how other people's judgments can affect how we feel about ourselves.  I always thought I was just bigger.  And then I was told, naw, you're fat.  This is how the eating disorders start.  People, even those with good intentions, telling you that you need to change. 

When I was 16, my little sister was born.  As she got older, it became clear she was going to be close to my height.  And I already knew what was in store for her.  I lived it!  Even if you are not "fat," when you are a tall girl, your parts are just bigger than everyone else's.  If you are six feet tall and built like a brick house, yes, you ARE going to look like Shrek next to the five foot tall, 95 pound ballet dancer.  It doesn't mean you're fat.  Go back to my previous blog entry...  I'd rather be a stacked Viking warrior than a delicate ballet dancer who can be blown off the deck of a ship any day! 

Anyway, as I watched my little sister grow, I saw a lot of the same issues I had.  She's a tall, built girl.  Not fat.  Just larger than the other kids.  And I knew she was being raised by the same mom (duh).  I remember once trying to give my mom a book about self-esteem and eating disorders for teenagers.  Not really how to treat one, just how to avoid one and build good self-esteem.  She acted like she had no clue what I was talking about.  Of course no one wants to be told that they're doing a bad job of raising their kids -- no one likes to be judged -- and that wasn't my intention.  However, having lived a similar life, I knew what my sister could be -- or would be -- facing.

I started this blog in my mind this morning in the shower.  It was bothering me so much that I had to jump out and start writing it, even though it is making me late to work.  My now 17-year-old gorgeous sister posted on Facebook that she needs to go on a diet.  So the cycle begins.  Oh how I've been there.  Yet oh how I know that no one else's opinion 

matters at that age. 

So I started thinking about the evil enemy: DIET.  And its friend, METABOLISM.  Your metabolism can either help you or hurt you.  Dieting can make you fat if it lowers your metabolism. 

What the hell IS your metabolism anyway?  Check out this article from the UK about dieting and metabolism.  Here are ways to increase your metabolism, which can help you lose weight.  Another article:  Diets make you fat.  Funny...after I posted this, Women's Health sent an e-mail about boosting your metabolism.  Their links sometimes die fast but I thought I'd include it anyway.  Here you go.

I prefer a lifestyle change!  It sounds so cliché now.  Don't diet!  Change your lifestyle!  But it is so true for me.  Everything in moderation...unless its a trigger food, then I really do try to be careful about eating much of it (helloooooooo, white chocolate macadamia nut cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory!!!).  I feel like programs such as Weight Watchers are better lifestyle programs than something like the Atkins diet, which completely cuts carbs and throws your body into ketosis. 

I came on to this blog recently and stated publicly that I needed to lose weight.  Sure, my self-esteem is a little low because I'm feeling chubby.  But getting the weight off to help my "old lady hip" is becoming more important to me.  Today was my first official weigh in since starting to work out again (thanks to Keith at Tri-Valley Bodyworks for taking my pain away!!) and I lost 4.4 pounds!  I wasn't even tracking calories this week.  That is purely from increasing my exercise.  It feels so good.  I know that part of what will keep my hip bursitis in check is taking some of the weight off.  I had gone up to 228.4 pounds, so I'm down to 224.  I'm still off track from my original goal of losing 5 pounds per month (which I made when I was at 225 pounds), but I'll catch up.  For me, its about healthy, small changes, rather than big, bad DIET changes that will cause my body to freak out and hang on to the weight. 

Anyway, regardless of your size, you should love yourself.  I really like Dove's beauty campaign.  I know I posted at least one of their videos before, but I wanted to post it again (see below).  If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself and your health, not for anyone else.  

Dove:  Evolution

Dove:  Pressure

Photoshop effect.

Just for the fun of it, I've posted some photos below -- old and new.  Fat and skinny.  I am still learning to love myself, regardless of my size. 

Until next time, keep twirling!!

P.S.  Once again, I posted my blog and walked away thinking, I left something out.  I am completely aware that childhood obesity is an epidemic.  I believe that parents should be encouraging their children to eat healthy and exercise (which, was just called "go outside and play" when I was a kid).  I just think it needs to be approached delicately, especially if you are dealing with a child who is already overweight and doesn't need the additional self-esteem hit of, "you are fat, stop eating."  So if you have a child who may have a tendency to eat too many cheesy poofs and play too many video games, please give them positive encouragement.

My beautiful little sister, Lindsey.

My brothers, sister and me (I'm the oldest).  Don't hate on the awesome perm.  I would guess I'm around 10 or 11.

 

 Lindsey and me when I was around 17.  Again, don't hate on my cool ass hairstyle.

  

At my highest weight.

  

My transformation.

  

Maybe September 2005.

  

I believe this is February 2006

  

This is me lookin' like Shrek next to Jen.  I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!!  LOL!