Monday, March 17, 2014

I'm turning 10 today

No, not really, but kinda. On this date, ten years ago, instead of drinking beer for St. Paddy's Day, I was knocked out on the table having my guts rearranged. What have I learned in the last ten years? That my stomach wasn't the problem. It was always my brain. And that I wish I had taken care of that problem a long, long time ago. Food was my drug of choice until I could no longer eat, then I turned to shopping. When that was taken away from me four years ago, I turned back to food. So here I am, almost 80 pounds heavier than my lightest post-surgery weight, wondering how the hell I fucked this up.

HERE is my update from year nine.  I feel like nothing and everything has changed in the last year. I had my foot surgery and got out of a job I absolutely hated. I am fully aware of my issues, yet I can't make them go away. I continue to be at odds with half my family, and fully expect I will never speak to most of them for the rest of my life. Yet the thing that keeps bothering me most is the war I've waged up myself - upon my body. I have spent my entire life hating myself. I really wish I could make that go away.

I'm in a weird place in my life right now. I am unhappy with my appearance and lack of strength (working on it!!).  But I am stoked to be in new job with a healthier atmosphere. However, my boyfriend is interviewing for jobs that will move him out of the area. And his cat keeps pissing on all of my stuff (so then I may not be so sad he's going to move). I am trying to write for the PDBA and keep up on various projects. I have my own blog, which I'm not managing well. I am trying to teach at Twirly Girls, take classes and keep up the social media stuff for the studio. I also have other projects in the works. I could not have even guessed the mountain of work that would come with putting on NCPP. My weekend to-do lists are so long that I never get to everything, and yet I also don't get to relax so I don't get to rejuvenate before the next week is upon me. I don't know. I know I sound like I'm bitching -- probably because I am -- but I sometimes wonder why life is never easy for me. I guess I'm the one making it that way. 

So yes, in the ten years since I had gastric bypass, I have learned that food was never my enemy. I was always my own worst enemy. I'm almost 40 years old, so I certainly hope I can figure this out and end the war.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. It means a lot to know I have so many supportive friends in my life.


  1. Very moving and brave information to post, but then I've always found you couragous.