Monday, April 28, 2014

April 2014 Blog Hop: Emotions

It has been an entire month since I have written anything in this blog.  I almost missed the deadline for the blog hop.  Life has been that crazy.  Between the new job being crazy busy (but still awesome), some personal shit that I don't really want to put out in public and trying to fit in all the other stuff, like preparing for NCPP, there's just no time left in the day. 

The theme for this month's blog hop is emotionality and spirituality.  From our fearless leader, Sheena:  "Movement is the expression of life, of existence, of the universe. This movement is fluid, i.e., it is the movement of waves… undulations, vibrations, pulsations. These are the same movements that animate this body we are, this body that does plies, tendus, spirals, falls… Is dance not just another manifestation of the living breathing universe, of which we are a part?"
Yeah, I have issues with all of this.  I am a weird person.  I am very emotional and passionate but I often try to hide it.  It usually doesn't come out until I'm super pissed off and then it's a bad thing.  I also come from a large family so sometimes you have to be loud to be heard.  I haven't quite learned that I don't have to be that overly animated person all the time anymore.  Sometimes being loud makes people really uncomfortable.  So I have ON.  Or OFF.  No in between.  Then I sulk.  I don't like being told I'm being loud and obnoxious so then I just want to go away.  It's easier than trying to be somewhere in the middle, which isn't comfortable for me.  Trust me, I've tried.  It just doesn't work.

So dancing is helping me learn to find that middle ground with my emotions.  I think the reason I only danced to loud rock songs when I first started to pole dance was because I couldn't find my  happy place with soft music.  It made me want to cry and crying in public, in my world, is like a fate worse than death. 

The Fifth Annual Lovely Rita Fundraiser to benefit the National Kidney Foundation was held at Twirly Girls this past weekend.  I danced a very slow and quiet routine with my friend, Ginger.  The song was "Say Something," which, to me, is a song about that point in a relationship where a single word could mean the difference between a relationship continuing or completely ending.  The song represents so many aspects of my life right now.  It was the slowest I have probably moved through a routine and it was also probably the most satisfying routine I have ever done. 
I have been attending a class called Dance Lab at Twirly Girls, taught by the amazing AJ.  It focuses more on contemporary dance rather than pole moves.  It is helping me connect with that side of myself that I have ignored for most of my life. 

I have always loved music and have only ever enjoyed dancing in my mind or at my house with no one watching.  Joining Twirly Girls, then actually performing in public, has been a HUGE deal for me because it makes me vulnerable.  It opens me up to criticism, not just from others but from myself.  "I'm too fat to dance like that."  "I can't move the way everyone else does."  "I'm not flexible enough."  "I'm not strong enough."  "I hate that I'm so sweaty."  All that self-hate talk spills out into my dance, making me tentative and disconnected from dancing.  I am working on changing that.  And I appreciate everyone at Twirly Girls who is helping to make that happen. 

And that is who I dedicate this post to:  Every single person at Twirly Girls who supports me.  Bel.  Rita.  My entire class, especially Yolanda and Robert.  AJ.  Sean Michael.  Diana.  Jade.  Ginger.  (Please forgive me for anyone I've missed...if I named every single person individually, we'd be here all day!!)  These are all people who have personally touched my twirly life and are helping me on my personal journey of self-acceptance.  So thank you for that!  And I love you all!


  1. it is always such a joy to watch you move. you are so beautiful!

  2. This routine totally blew me away....I was was so beautiful and so much passion...I had to wipe a tear away after I saw it the first time, but then had to wipe a tear away when I saw it is that good..there is so much heart and soul...I love you guys...