How has being a poler, aerial artist or athlete contributed to your awareness of your body? Are you more critical or satisfied with your body? Are you more in tuned with your body?
Oh I am very aware of my body. I'm aware of the rolls that hang over my pants. My thighs that spread wider than I'd like. My chins that occasionally double up on me. My arms that sag despite surgical intervention. My boobs that are a little too large and low for my liking. Yeah, I have some crazy body awareness. I'm aware that I don't like my body much. At the same time, I so appreciate the things it does for me. It carries me everywhere I need to go, even when I'm in pain. It lets me dance and do yoga. It lets me ride a bike. It lets me swim. I might grump about my body, and my body may hurt sometimes (thanks to my abuse) but it still gets me to all the places I need to show up. So I appreciate it for that.
This is such a funny topic for me. I am very weird about my body. On one hand, I hide my body. I tug at my shirt to cover my fat, even though a lot of my fat was surgically cut off years ago. On the other hand, I put on tiny shorts on a very regular basis and dance around, often posting photos and videos to public websites. How does that work?!
|See? I'm so shy!|
I feel that pole dancing has furthered that attitude. Sure, I am very self-conscious about my appearance and my lack of ability to dance extremely well or do tricks. But I still do all the shows at Twirly Girls. I make an effort to create an interesting routine so (most) people aren't wishing I would hurry up and get off stage. I fully realize I am not putting on the most amazing routine of the night. But still, I do it.
I can't tell you how many times I've been stopped while cosplaying as Candy of Chunky Girl Comics. Women generally in awe that I would walk around in such small shorts. Always telling me how much they admire me for being brave. I guess I'm supposed to be more self-conscious about my thunder thighs. Oh well. I guess I always figured if I faked confidence and self-esteem, it might actually happen for me. Fake it til you make it, right? It must be working because people are often surprised when I say I struggle with self-esteem issues.
I recently played around at Twirly Girls and put a video of some of my moves together (still not back to free dancing a full song well). I am frustrated because I have lists of combos I want to try but when the music starts, I freeze. So, rather than continuing to talk about my body, I'm going to let you watch my larger-than-average body twirling around the pole and writhing on the floor. It's my body, and I'll do what I want with it. If you don't like, look away. That's my attitude!