Our very own Seanmichael won the men's division of the Pole Sport Organization's U.S. National Pole Championships in New York a little over a week ago. There really are no words for how proud I am to know this man. He is very sweet and it has been so fun to watch him blossom as a pole dancer. I want to congratulate Seanmichael on his win. It was well-deserved! And a shout out to his coach, Ellen!! They make a great team!
Here is his official video:
Seanmichael had a theme for this routine...tell me in the comments what you think it is!!
Showing posts with label men of pole. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men of pole. Show all posts
Monday, August 11, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
March 2013 Blog Hop: My Men of Pole
The PDBA blog hop this month offered us choices...either write about some very personal stuff ("the great reveal") or do an interview piece with someone ("the profile feature"). Since last month's topic regarding men in the pole industry was so popular and controversial, I decided to interview two of the men I discussed in my first blog hop post for February (my second piece was a bit more personal). I guess since I often write about very personal topics on this blog, there really isn't a "great reveal" that I can share with you.
So I would like for you to meet two Twirly Boys who are very near and dear to my heart. I guess you could call this a Q&A with the Men of Twirly Girls!
Meet AJ and Seanmichael - the dynamic duo:
Tell me your name and a little bit about yourself - where you are from and what you do for work. That kind of thing!
SM: My name is Seanmichael Richard Rau. I was born in Oakland,
California and have lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for the majority
of my life. When I'm not on a pole I work in the natural foods
industry doing training and education.
AJ: My name is Job Bautista. I graduated with a BM in Voice and I dabbled in local theater in the Philippines. During my days off from the university I trained and worked as an aerialist and contemporary dancer under Airdance Philippines.
I've only been in the United States for 10 months but I was fortunate enough start working as a Pole Fitness and Dance instructor as soon as August of last year, 2013. Before then I taught and coached company members of Polecats Manila and spearheaded their Men's Pole Fitness class.
How did you first hear about pole dance and where did you take your very first class?
SM: The very first time I danced on a pole was at a club in Cairns, Australia I thought it was lots of fun but didn't realize that the pole industry or classes existed at that point. Years later, my coworker, and dear friend, Lizzie Robillard took me to a pole workout class at a circus training facility called Kinetic Arts Center and it was love at first spin.
AJ: I first heard of Pole Dancing back in 2010 when I worked under a contemporary dance company called Airdance. They organized an event for International dance day wherein local dance companies would come together and celebrate dance in public spaces along the local railway transit and boarding stations in the city. Amongst the groups attending was Polecats Manila who was then in the beginning stages of creating their school.
My first informal lesson was with one of their members teaching me how to do a skater on the vertical handrails in the train station. After an introduction to a few of their members they then invited me to a trial session for their Men's Pole Fitness Class.
How long ago was that?
SM: My first class at Kinetic Arts Center was on December 1st, 2011.
AJ: Roughly 4 years ago.
How did you know you were hooked?
SM: I credit my initial love of pole to my instructor (now friend) Luiza Silva. She created a space that was all about getting fit while having fun and being creative. I have always hated working out but loved physical play. That class was also a lot about community support. We encouraged and celebrated each other and ended every class with a lights off freestyle - the first time I had ever let my body speak my emotions for me.
AJ: I
knew I was hooked when I just kept on wanting to learn more and took
every opportunity to do so. After that fateful meeting in
the train-station events just seemed to roll over one after the other.
The girls invited me to their first trial Men's Pole Fitness Class and
then a few weeks after I joined an international pole workshop held in
Manila. Soon after I was called back by the Polecats to became a guest
Male Solo pole artist in a Contemporary Dance Festival called Wifi
Bodies. It seems as if I always kept on saying yes to all these invites
and the opportunities just kept on coming till before I knew it I was
training for a competition overseas.
The world of pole dance is heavily dominated by women. How does it feel to be a man in a world where men can sometimes not feel welcome?
SM: This question for me is more about being a part of a community where not all people are welcome. As a side affect of our larger societal community I worry about things like cultural appropriation during "themed" competition pieces or some competitions' judging bias towards male bodied performers and perceived "masculine" movement. I also worry about our trans community members and how heteronormativity and gender binaries are negatively affecting their ability to feel included. I want this to be an inclusive community where all people get to come together to create and share and have fun. I do not always feel like that is the case and I am hoping that more dialogue is opened up on these topics so we can bring awareness to the issues.
AJ: This question is strange to me because I always felt welcome since the first day I started. Back in the day I was one of the few men practicing the craft not because there were a lack of co-ed studios but simply because it was just starting to take off and hardly anyone knew about it. Together with the girls we spearheaded the first Men's pole class in the Philippines and since then we've had mixed level co-ed classes. I'm proud to say we have around 10-15 men regularly attending our classes and the women have been very supportive of them.
I've been lucky because I have always found my way into finding studios with such a welcoming environment. I dropped into Twirly Girls and was greeted by quite a few men and the women were just as warm to having that masculine energy in the crowd.
There have to be a thousand websites with pole clothes for women. Where do you buy your pole clothes?
SM: My go-to comfy pole shorts for everyday use are the wide band boy shorts from kurve dancewear. They come in dozens of colors and are very well priced. Competition and performance costumes are a combination of swimsuits, custom designs, thrift store finds, and fetish wear from all over the place. I spend a fair amount of time searching the webs for interesting pole pieces. Even though there are less go-to spots for me to shop (bad kitty, mika etc.) I like the challenge of finding something unique.
AJ: I buy them everywhere from the most popular brands to the most unknown. Lululemon is a staple for me coz they are able to shorten and hem their bottoms for free. As for tops, well, I hardly teach topless so I just cut up nice loose shirts on the side so I have a bit of side and waist grip.
Tell me about competitions in which you have participated. What did you learn about yourself during the training process?
SM: I've competed at The Pacific Pole Championships twice, National
Aerial Pole Art and Pole Expo. The decision to compete was a challenge I
posed to myself to become a better performer and athlete. I will admit
that there are times when getting ready for these events that I have
completely lost sight of the love and joy that I have for movement and I
have gotten caught up in the details of scores and titles. I am
learning not only how my body operates physically but also the mental
exercise of being reminded why I do this. David C. Owen sent me a
lovely message that I hope he doesn't mind me sharing here "Just be your
weird self and enjoy being on stage and doing something you find
meaningful. Be the best you." I think that sums up quite nicely how I
feel about competing. I'm not up there for fame and glory. I don't
need a gold medal or a worldwide workshop tour or 1000 likes on Facebook. I am there to become the best artist that I can be in order
to share my story with anyone who is willing to watch.
AJ: I've joined quite a few competitions and was lucky enough to place in a few of them;
I think more than anything I learned to be fearless. To be fearless of whatever critique comes my way, to be fearless of my capabilities, and to be fearless as a person in general. I've learned to take risks and learned how to trust in myself and in the faith of others who believe in me. During a lot of the competitions I've joined I have been held back by a lot of self doubt but then I put my trust and faith in those who believe me. Sometimes it takes someone else to put you into perspective and it sometimes is scary because their perspective of you is far greater than you have ever imagined. You just have to be fearless.
Do you have an opinion about pole getting into the Olympics?
SM: I am more interested in pole as an artistic expression than an athletic competition so I do not feel strongly about seeing it become a part of the Olympic games.
AJ: I think it's a great thing that we're driving pole into the Olympics. It's such a young sport that I think it will take quite some time till it makes its way but I believe it's a good thing. Some people will think that it will stunt the creative process of pole to becoming more of athleticism and technique as opposed to creativity and artistry but I think there are other venues for these creative processes. As for now I think that pushing pole to the Olympics will help widen the understanding for Pole as a form of art and sport.
What would you suggest studios do to make classes more welcoming for men?
SM: I would change the word men to "people" for starters because men and women aren't the only options. Then I would make these requests:
AJ: Well, just like every business you have to reach out to your
audience. Nothing sends more of a welcoming message then a hand that
reaches out and makes you feel you are wanted and just as special as
everyone else.
What is your pole dream and how do you plan to reach it?
SM: My dream is to continue to create movement based art that touches its viewers and provokes thought and to help others find the potential in their bodies' ability to move and express emotion. Before pole, I had no idea what my body was capable of and I want to continue to push those limits.
AJ: My dream is to spearhead a show built on artistry and concept. It doesn't have to be a big show. It can just be made in a simple space but I'd like to make performances that make you feel distraught to those that elate you to euphoria from the most whimsical to the mundane. I just want to make people feel and step out of themselves for a moment.
As of now I'm immersing myself in circus and theater to build on that concept and we'll see where inspiration takes flight.
How did you each find Twirly Girls and each other, my dynamic duo?
SM: I came to Twirly Girls for a private lesson with Nadia Sharif and was welcomed onto the team shortly thereafter. The community that Bel Jeremiah has built is astonishing and when AJ came to visit from the Philippines he immediately fit in with our family. We trained together with Phoenix Kazree before he flew back home and I was heartbroken because I felt like I had found and was about to lose my kindred spirit. Luckily for me, he moved to the Bay Area and became an official part of the studio less than a year later. AJ is a tremendous artist, dancer, friend, and support. I admire his skills but even more-so his humility, and compassion. He has always pushed me and believed in my ability to compete even when I've lost my way. There is something about the way that this apparatus has managed to create an international community that brings people together and it's comforting to know that even when our bodies are no longer capable of throwing fonjis, we'll still have the relationships that pole brought into our lives. I affectionately refer to AJ as my "pole boyfriend" but he is so much more to me than any title can explain.
AJ: I was then residing in the Philippines and was teaching part time as a pole instructor and finishing my Bachelors of Music in Voice in the year 2012. My family decided to bring me over to the U.S. for a Christmas break vacation. We headed to Las Vegas where I met David C. Owen who was then teaching in Shine Fitness. I hardly knew any pole studios in the Bay Area where my family lived so I asked him for some help. I figured that just like my home in the Philippines that I could simply step in to the studio and drop into a class. Little did I know that there were a few studios who had co-ed classes and he sent me a list of them through facebook. I wanted to go to each and every studio who accepted men in their classes but since I was pressed for time I only went to one. That led me to Twirly Girls where I met SeanMichael and the rest of the Twirly Girl team.
So I would like for you to meet two Twirly Boys who are very near and dear to my heart. I guess you could call this a Q&A with the Men of Twirly Girls!
Meet AJ and Seanmichael - the dynamic duo:
Tell me your name and a little bit about yourself - where you are from and what you do for work. That kind of thing!
 |
| Street poling with AJ and SM |
AJ: My name is Job Bautista. I graduated with a BM in Voice and I dabbled in local theater in the Philippines. During my days off from the university I trained and worked as an aerialist and contemporary dancer under Airdance Philippines.
I've only been in the United States for 10 months but I was fortunate enough start working as a Pole Fitness and Dance instructor as soon as August of last year, 2013. Before then I taught and coached company members of Polecats Manila and spearheaded their Men's Pole Fitness class.
How did you first hear about pole dance and where did you take your very first class?
SM: The very first time I danced on a pole was at a club in Cairns, Australia I thought it was lots of fun but didn't realize that the pole industry or classes existed at that point. Years later, my coworker, and dear friend, Lizzie Robillard took me to a pole workout class at a circus training facility called Kinetic Arts Center and it was love at first spin.
AJ: I first heard of Pole Dancing back in 2010 when I worked under a contemporary dance company called Airdance. They organized an event for International dance day wherein local dance companies would come together and celebrate dance in public spaces along the local railway transit and boarding stations in the city. Amongst the groups attending was Polecats Manila who was then in the beginning stages of creating their school.
My first informal lesson was with one of their members teaching me how to do a skater on the vertical handrails in the train station. After an introduction to a few of their members they then invited me to a trial session for their Men's Pole Fitness Class.
How long ago was that?
SM: My first class at Kinetic Arts Center was on December 1st, 2011.
AJ: Roughly 4 years ago.
How did you know you were hooked?
SM: I credit my initial love of pole to my instructor (now friend) Luiza Silva. She created a space that was all about getting fit while having fun and being creative. I have always hated working out but loved physical play. That class was also a lot about community support. We encouraged and celebrated each other and ended every class with a lights off freestyle - the first time I had ever let my body speak my emotions for me.
 |
| Can you find AJ? |
The world of pole dance is heavily dominated by women. How does it feel to be a man in a world where men can sometimes not feel welcome?
SM: This question for me is more about being a part of a community where not all people are welcome. As a side affect of our larger societal community I worry about things like cultural appropriation during "themed" competition pieces or some competitions' judging bias towards male bodied performers and perceived "masculine" movement. I also worry about our trans community members and how heteronormativity and gender binaries are negatively affecting their ability to feel included. I want this to be an inclusive community where all people get to come together to create and share and have fun. I do not always feel like that is the case and I am hoping that more dialogue is opened up on these topics so we can bring awareness to the issues.
AJ: This question is strange to me because I always felt welcome since the first day I started. Back in the day I was one of the few men practicing the craft not because there were a lack of co-ed studios but simply because it was just starting to take off and hardly anyone knew about it. Together with the girls we spearheaded the first Men's pole class in the Philippines and since then we've had mixed level co-ed classes. I'm proud to say we have around 10-15 men regularly attending our classes and the women have been very supportive of them.
I've been lucky because I have always found my way into finding studios with such a welcoming environment. I dropped into Twirly Girls and was greeted by quite a few men and the women were just as warm to having that masculine energy in the crowd.
There have to be a thousand websites with pole clothes for women. Where do you buy your pole clothes?
SM: My go-to comfy pole shorts for everyday use are the wide band boy shorts from kurve dancewear. They come in dozens of colors and are very well priced. Competition and performance costumes are a combination of swimsuits, custom designs, thrift store finds, and fetish wear from all over the place. I spend a fair amount of time searching the webs for interesting pole pieces. Even though there are less go-to spots for me to shop (bad kitty, mika etc.) I like the challenge of finding something unique.
AJ: I buy them everywhere from the most popular brands to the most unknown. Lululemon is a staple for me coz they are able to shorten and hem their bottoms for free. As for tops, well, I hardly teach topless so I just cut up nice loose shirts on the side so I have a bit of side and waist grip.
Tell me about competitions in which you have participated. What did you learn about yourself during the training process?
 |
| Seanmichael |
AJ: I've joined quite a few competitions and was lucky enough to place in a few of them;
Best Choreography- Singapore Pole Challenge (2011)
- Champion- Singapore Pole Challenge (2011)
- 1st Runner Up (Pole Division)- PPS Aerial Performance Tournament (2012)
- Pole Fit Runner Up -International Pole Championship (2012)
I think more than anything I learned to be fearless. To be fearless of whatever critique comes my way, to be fearless of my capabilities, and to be fearless as a person in general. I've learned to take risks and learned how to trust in myself and in the faith of others who believe in me. During a lot of the competitions I've joined I have been held back by a lot of self doubt but then I put my trust and faith in those who believe me. Sometimes it takes someone else to put you into perspective and it sometimes is scary because their perspective of you is far greater than you have ever imagined. You just have to be fearless.
Do you have an opinion about pole getting into the Olympics?
SM: I am more interested in pole as an artistic expression than an athletic competition so I do not feel strongly about seeing it become a part of the Olympic games.
AJ: I think it's a great thing that we're driving pole into the Olympics. It's such a young sport that I think it will take quite some time till it makes its way but I believe it's a good thing. Some people will think that it will stunt the creative process of pole to becoming more of athleticism and technique as opposed to creativity and artistry but I think there are other venues for these creative processes. As for now I think that pushing pole to the Olympics will help widen the understanding for Pole as a form of art and sport.
What would you suggest studios do to make classes more welcoming for men?
SM: I would change the word men to "people" for starters because men and women aren't the only options. Then I would make these requests:
- Please do not perpetuate stereotypes about how society expects different bodies to move. "We're working on this movement but it's really girly so you can try something else."
- Instead let the entire class know that we all have unique bodies and what works for one of us may not work for another. Create a space that is safe for everyone to explore their own unique style of movement.
- Please do not downplay someone's abilities because of their body. "Deadlifts are easier for you because you're a boy." Instead, acknowledge the hard work that everyone has put in to achieving a skill or movement.
 |
| AJ's hiding again! |
What is your pole dream and how do you plan to reach it?
SM: My dream is to continue to create movement based art that touches its viewers and provokes thought and to help others find the potential in their bodies' ability to move and express emotion. Before pole, I had no idea what my body was capable of and I want to continue to push those limits.
AJ: My dream is to spearhead a show built on artistry and concept. It doesn't have to be a big show. It can just be made in a simple space but I'd like to make performances that make you feel distraught to those that elate you to euphoria from the most whimsical to the mundane. I just want to make people feel and step out of themselves for a moment.
As of now I'm immersing myself in circus and theater to build on that concept and we'll see where inspiration takes flight.
How did you each find Twirly Girls and each other, my dynamic duo?
SM: I came to Twirly Girls for a private lesson with Nadia Sharif and was welcomed onto the team shortly thereafter. The community that Bel Jeremiah has built is astonishing and when AJ came to visit from the Philippines he immediately fit in with our family. We trained together with Phoenix Kazree before he flew back home and I was heartbroken because I felt like I had found and was about to lose my kindred spirit. Luckily for me, he moved to the Bay Area and became an official part of the studio less than a year later. AJ is a tremendous artist, dancer, friend, and support. I admire his skills but even more-so his humility, and compassion. He has always pushed me and believed in my ability to compete even when I've lost my way. There is something about the way that this apparatus has managed to create an international community that brings people together and it's comforting to know that even when our bodies are no longer capable of throwing fonjis, we'll still have the relationships that pole brought into our lives. I affectionately refer to AJ as my "pole boyfriend" but he is so much more to me than any title can explain.
AJ: I was then residing in the Philippines and was teaching part time as a pole instructor and finishing my Bachelors of Music in Voice in the year 2012. My family decided to bring me over to the U.S. for a Christmas break vacation. We headed to Las Vegas where I met David C. Owen who was then teaching in Shine Fitness. I hardly knew any pole studios in the Bay Area where my family lived so I asked him for some help. I figured that just like my home in the Philippines that I could simply step in to the studio and drop into a class. Little did I know that there were a few studios who had co-ed classes and he sent me a list of them through facebook. I wanted to go to each and every studio who accepted men in their classes but since I was pressed for time I only went to one. That led me to Twirly Girls where I met SeanMichael and the rest of the Twirly Girl team.
We
only met once that day but I guess we were fated to train with each
other since. Phoenix Kazree was in town and SeanMichael had signed up
for a private with her in preparation for a competition. Being such a
fan of hers I asked to tag along with him for a semi-private. That would
be our second pole play date together.
The
moment I decided to come back here after my graduation in the
Philippines I sent him a message that I was in town. We've been Pole
Boyfriends since. =)
I really appreciate both Seanmichael and AJ taking the time to be part of my blog this month. I know they are both very busy and I want them to know how much I enjoy the time I get to spend with them at Twirly Girls.
If you know AJ and SM, leave a comment below and tell me how you met them!
*****
I really appreciate both Seanmichael and AJ taking the time to be part of my blog this month. I know they are both very busy and I want them to know how much I enjoy the time I get to spend with them at Twirly Girls.
If you know AJ and SM, leave a comment below and tell me how you met them!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
February Blog Hop 2: Why I'm Comfortable With Men In The Studio
My first post for this month's blog hop highlighted the Twirly Boys in my life. This post is about to get a little more serious. In various spots around Facebook (and earlier this month on Twitter), there was some debate about whether pole studios should have women-only classes. You will find some who passionately argue that there should be at least some women-only classes. Shoot, there are some entire studios who only allow women. In the Pole Dancing Bloggers Association group, there was a comment made about straight men in class sexualizing women and that making some women uncomfortable.
That's when it hit me. Duh. I don't worry about men sexualizing me because I haven't felt sexy in probably 25-30 pounds. I wear a veil of fat. I am invisible. And, if I don't find myself sexy, how would anyone else see me that way?
It is no secret that way too much of my personal identity is tied up in my weight. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about weight in some capacity. Whether it is not liking how my clothes fit or counting calories or blaming body pain on the weight I've gained -- my weight is a daily reminder that I don't like myself.
That being said, I don't shy away from throwing on my tiny shorts and dancing around on video or for photos and posting them on Facebook. But I think that's more about thinking that if I force myself to share my large body with others, then it will become more common place and people will think nothing when they see someone with some extra fat on them. But it also doesn't mean that I don't cringe when I see some videos and photos. I was just watching class videos from AJ's class last Saturday. My legs are chunky and I almost waddle when I walk. No, it's not even a waddle. I tip from side to side, much like I think Humpty Dumpty would walk. My bra cuts into my back fat, leaving a crease that cuts around my entire back. I reminded myself to start wearing black tank tops and stop wearing stripes. My thighs jiggle and slap the ground in a grotesque way. My thigh scars give the illusion that every wide-legged move is showing off my labia when it isn't (although if you can't handle a little labia shot, you shouldn't pole dance). I sweat profusely, and am making myself wear a head scarf so I don't drip sweat all over the floor or have to wipe my face every 30 seconds. My face has become soft and my chin now disappears into the rolls in my neck. Nothing. There's nothing I can come up with that I love about my body. AJ has such beautiful choreography too, and I already figure he has probably dumbed it down so I can keep up in the first place. For that, I love him. But I don't love me.
And that's why I know straight men in pole class wouldn't give me a second look. I clearly don't love myself enough so why would they? I'm comfortable saying, "hey dudes can come to my class -- no problem" because I have never felt like anyone is sexualizing me, which might make me uncomfortable or self-conscious (I would like to believe, though, that it would only happen if a guy I actually liked was watching -- dancing for strangers seems much easier to do). I know Twirly Girls is a safe place for me and so almost anyone can come into that environment without ruining that experience.
When I weighed 180 pounds, I found myself at odds with men in general. Suddenly, they were opening doors and smiling at me. I didn't really get that at 350 pounds. And now, at 257 pounds, I feel as fat as 350 pounds and my self-esteem is worse than it was then too. I definitely notice that men don't notice me or jump to open the door for me like they did 80 pounds ago. Is that because I keep my own eyes averted and so they pick up on those cues and don't bother to help me? Or has society told them my large body isn't beautiful and I'm not worth helping? I certainly noticed my first head-turning experience was only shortly after gastric bypass surgery. I couldn't have lost more than 25 pounds, and was easily still close to the 300 pound range. But I was happy as a clam that the weight was dripping off of me. I passed a man in a crosswalk and he almost got whiplash as he turned to take a second look. I have always felt like that was a product of my clear happiness and self-assuredness, not of any weight loss.
There was something I noticed years ago when I dated a very large man. He was 6'5" and well over 350 pounds. The bigger something is, the less people seem to notice it. People would walk into him on the street on almost a daily basis. As if he was so large, they couldn't even see him. I feel that way about my weight sometimes. The bigger I get, the more invisible I feel. Whether that is self-imposed or not, I can't really say.
So, I can't tell you whether I would be uncomfortable with men in the studio if I still weighed 180 pounds. I want to say that I wouldn't have cared then because my self-esteem was high and I was just happy to be alive. It sounds like, for myself, I need to get back to that place mentally. I need to not care whether men, or women, adore me -- not because I'm so fat that I'm hiding in the corner -- but because I'm so confident that it truly doesn't matter.
There you go. That was a whole lot of words to say I don't really know whether straight men in the studio would bother me if I was at a lower weight or in a different place mentally. I know that gay women wouldn't bother me, so why should it matter if a straight man was in her place? They both like chicks, right? So much to ponder and I may never truly know the answer... Food for thought, though... How do YOU feel about men in the studio?
Photo journal of my journey. Note: despite my negative attitude here, I look back fondly on all of these photos and memories. My life really doesn't suck.
That's when it hit me. Duh. I don't worry about men sexualizing me because I haven't felt sexy in probably 25-30 pounds. I wear a veil of fat. I am invisible. And, if I don't find myself sexy, how would anyone else see me that way?
It is no secret that way too much of my personal identity is tied up in my weight. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about weight in some capacity. Whether it is not liking how my clothes fit or counting calories or blaming body pain on the weight I've gained -- my weight is a daily reminder that I don't like myself.
That being said, I don't shy away from throwing on my tiny shorts and dancing around on video or for photos and posting them on Facebook. But I think that's more about thinking that if I force myself to share my large body with others, then it will become more common place and people will think nothing when they see someone with some extra fat on them. But it also doesn't mean that I don't cringe when I see some videos and photos. I was just watching class videos from AJ's class last Saturday. My legs are chunky and I almost waddle when I walk. No, it's not even a waddle. I tip from side to side, much like I think Humpty Dumpty would walk. My bra cuts into my back fat, leaving a crease that cuts around my entire back. I reminded myself to start wearing black tank tops and stop wearing stripes. My thighs jiggle and slap the ground in a grotesque way. My thigh scars give the illusion that every wide-legged move is showing off my labia when it isn't (although if you can't handle a little labia shot, you shouldn't pole dance). I sweat profusely, and am making myself wear a head scarf so I don't drip sweat all over the floor or have to wipe my face every 30 seconds. My face has become soft and my chin now disappears into the rolls in my neck. Nothing. There's nothing I can come up with that I love about my body. AJ has such beautiful choreography too, and I already figure he has probably dumbed it down so I can keep up in the first place. For that, I love him. But I don't love me.
And that's why I know straight men in pole class wouldn't give me a second look. I clearly don't love myself enough so why would they? I'm comfortable saying, "hey dudes can come to my class -- no problem" because I have never felt like anyone is sexualizing me, which might make me uncomfortable or self-conscious (I would like to believe, though, that it would only happen if a guy I actually liked was watching -- dancing for strangers seems much easier to do). I know Twirly Girls is a safe place for me and so almost anyone can come into that environment without ruining that experience.
When I weighed 180 pounds, I found myself at odds with men in general. Suddenly, they were opening doors and smiling at me. I didn't really get that at 350 pounds. And now, at 257 pounds, I feel as fat as 350 pounds and my self-esteem is worse than it was then too. I definitely notice that men don't notice me or jump to open the door for me like they did 80 pounds ago. Is that because I keep my own eyes averted and so they pick up on those cues and don't bother to help me? Or has society told them my large body isn't beautiful and I'm not worth helping? I certainly noticed my first head-turning experience was only shortly after gastric bypass surgery. I couldn't have lost more than 25 pounds, and was easily still close to the 300 pound range. But I was happy as a clam that the weight was dripping off of me. I passed a man in a crosswalk and he almost got whiplash as he turned to take a second look. I have always felt like that was a product of my clear happiness and self-assuredness, not of any weight loss.
There was something I noticed years ago when I dated a very large man. He was 6'5" and well over 350 pounds. The bigger something is, the less people seem to notice it. People would walk into him on the street on almost a daily basis. As if he was so large, they couldn't even see him. I feel that way about my weight sometimes. The bigger I get, the more invisible I feel. Whether that is self-imposed or not, I can't really say.
So, I can't tell you whether I would be uncomfortable with men in the studio if I still weighed 180 pounds. I want to say that I wouldn't have cared then because my self-esteem was high and I was just happy to be alive. It sounds like, for myself, I need to get back to that place mentally. I need to not care whether men, or women, adore me -- not because I'm so fat that I'm hiding in the corner -- but because I'm so confident that it truly doesn't matter.
There you go. That was a whole lot of words to say I don't really know whether straight men in the studio would bother me if I was at a lower weight or in a different place mentally. I know that gay women wouldn't bother me, so why should it matter if a straight man was in her place? They both like chicks, right? So much to ponder and I may never truly know the answer... Food for thought, though... How do YOU feel about men in the studio?
Photo journal of my journey. Note: despite my negative attitude here, I look back fondly on all of these photos and memories. My life really doesn't suck.
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| 2003: 347 pounds - highest weight |
+-+180+pounds+(lowest+weight).jpg) |
| 2005 (February): 179 pounds - lowest weight |
+-+maybe+215+pounds.jpg) |
| Possibly 2006 - probably 215 pounds |
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| 2006 - post-plastic surgeries, weight 200-215 |
+-+215+pounds+(Half+Dome).jpg) |
| 2008 (June) - Climbed Half Dome at 215 pounds |
+-+around+215+pounds.jpg) |
| 2009 (March) - pre-Twirly Girls at a bar - close to 200 pounds |
+-+probably+215+pounds.jpg) |
| 2009 (August) - climbing back toward 215 |
+-+probably+235+pounds.jpg) |
| 2009 - around 225 |
+-+probably+230+pounds+(4+months+into+TG).jpg) |
| 2010 (March) - Twirling for four months, up to probably 230 |
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| 2011 - 240 pounds |
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| 2012 - 250 pounds |
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| 2013 - highest post-surgery weight at 263 |
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| 2014 - 257 pounds |
Monday, February 17, 2014
February Blop Hop: The Pole Men in my Life
February's Blog Hop is about men and pole. Who knew this topic would draw such controversy!? I guess I should have seen it coming, and while I don't like to see hurt feelings, I do like spirited conversations on controversial topics. I will probably do two posts this month. My first post, however, will be on the pole men in my life. Not just the pole stars, adored by the masses, but the lovely men in my day-to-day pole life.
I touched on this subject for The Pole Dancing Shop before. You can read that post HERE. In two-plus years, I would say the sentiment appears to be about the same. Some women are very uncomfortable with men in their classes. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for men in the pole studio.
My first pole crush was Timber Brown. I saw him judge the California Pole Dance Championships in 2011. His performance was jaw-dropping....on freaking stage poles!! Part of why he also stands out in my mind (and is the only non-Twirly Girl -- I mean Twirly Boy -- I'm highlighting today) is because we had a lovely telephone conversation prior to me posting his blog interview. Most people, I just fire off an e-mail with some questions, they respond and we both go on our merry way. Timber wanted to chat on the phone and his story was very moving. So I will always remember that conversation. I didn't get to meet him in person until Pole Expo 2013. He was just as sweet in person as he was on the phone! If you missed Timber on America's Got Talent last year, make sure you keep an eye on him. He's going big places!
I believe the first man, other than Jimmy, to take classes at Twirly Girl may have been Maleko. Maleko (not his real name as his day job has him doing some pretty interesting internet security stuff) is probably also the only straight guy there (well, Andrew is straight but he only took one class, so it doesn't count!). I admit, at first I was wary. Straight dudes in the studio, huh. I bet he's there to pick up all the chicks! But I met Maleko and he is so nice and, although he's happy to show off his nicely toned booty, he was instantly comfortable to be around. I know he too has been battling some injuries but I hope to see him around the studio again soon.
When Bel offered me the opportunity to teach my own class, one of my very first students was Robert. We are two years into the Boys, Girls & Twirls adventure and he has stuck by my side. Like a good pole mama, I have encouraged him to spread his wings and fly with more advanced instructors (which he has) but he continues to come to class on Mondays (even though his skill level has far-surpassed my own). I really enjoy his love for pole and his passion for life so, even though I keep trying to make him leave, I really would miss him if he did. Recently dubbed the Original Cowboy Wild by Josiah "Bad Azz" Grant, Robert is really embracing the pole world and it has been fun to watch him grow as a pole ambassador.
Before I started working in San Francisco, I would take classes on Wednesday nights at Twirly Girls. One day, this kid shows up. He's mere days into poling and he's showing me advanced Chinese pole tricks on YouTube and telling me, I WANT TO LEARN THAT! Sure, kid, keep dreaming. Almost two years later, Patrick really is another of my favorite pole boys. He has been kicking ass and competed at Pole Expo in 2013. We were all really, really proud of him. His routine was strong and I was so impressed with how far he's come in such a short amount of time.
A couple of years ago, while at a Nadia Sharif workshop at Poletential, I see this guy doing ridiculous tricks with David C. Owen. He has this tiny muscular body and a tattoo blacking out his entire shoulder. Who is this man?! He was wearing a sweatshirt from Brass Ovaries so I assumed he was from Texas. He came to the bar night with the rest of the crowd and he was in a bunch of my photos. But I still was an asshole and never officially introduced myself. Fast forward to November of 2012. Nadia was back in town and I was helping to set up her schedule. Someone contacted me to set up a private lesson. It was Sean Michael -- the mystery man from the Poletential workshop! After his lesson, he hung out at Twirly Girls and has been with us ever since. Also one of my favorite people in the world, Sean Michael was my instructor for a short time (until my foot injury and his work obligations pulled us apart). He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I appreciate that he puts up with my "vegetarian before noon" jokes.
I have been with Twirly Girls for over four years. I help run the blog for the studio and feel like I generally have a finger on the pulse of what goes on in the studio. Working in San Francisco for a year kind of took that away from me. I was physically far from the studio and also mentally not connected as working in a job I disliked so much didn't leave much "extra" when I got home. One day I started seeing things on Facebook about this AJ guy. Who is AJ?! I checked my friends list. I know EVERYONE in the pole industry! How do I not know this AJ from Polecats in Manila?! Then I met him. He is someone you instantly adore. I now take his Dance Lab class on Saturdays at Twirly Girls. It is less about pole and more about learning contemporary dance. I have been watching my videos. I know I have so far to go but I do appreciate AJ's patience with me and how encouraging he is when my body doesn't get the moves. I also appreciate that he's always asking things like, how is your inverting coming along? Uh, I don't know because I haven't tried. I need that push to remind myself that at least half of what is holding me back is my own brain. I am so happy AJ is part of the Twirly Girls family.
I feel very lucky to have so many amazing men in my life. I could write another post about the famous pole men that I have met and also adore. But I thought that the men of Twirly Girls should (mostly) be the highlight of this post. They are part of my daily life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I touched on this subject for The Pole Dancing Shop before. You can read that post HERE. In two-plus years, I would say the sentiment appears to be about the same. Some women are very uncomfortable with men in their classes. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for men in the pole studio.
I believe the first man, other than Jimmy, to take classes at Twirly Girl may have been Maleko. Maleko (not his real name as his day job has him doing some pretty interesting internet security stuff) is probably also the only straight guy there (well, Andrew is straight but he only took one class, so it doesn't count!). I admit, at first I was wary. Straight dudes in the studio, huh. I bet he's there to pick up all the chicks! But I met Maleko and he is so nice and, although he's happy to show off his nicely toned booty, he was instantly comfortable to be around. I know he too has been battling some injuries but I hope to see him around the studio again soon. When Bel offered me the opportunity to teach my own class, one of my very first students was Robert. We are two years into the Boys, Girls & Twirls adventure and he has stuck by my side. Like a good pole mama, I have encouraged him to spread his wings and fly with more advanced instructors (which he has) but he continues to come to class on Mondays (even though his skill level has far-surpassed my own). I really enjoy his love for pole and his passion for life so, even though I keep trying to make him leave, I really would miss him if he did. Recently dubbed the Original Cowboy Wild by Josiah "Bad Azz" Grant, Robert is really embracing the pole world and it has been fun to watch him grow as a pole ambassador. Before I started working in San Francisco, I would take classes on Wednesday nights at Twirly Girls. One day, this kid shows up. He's mere days into poling and he's showing me advanced Chinese pole tricks on YouTube and telling me, I WANT TO LEARN THAT! Sure, kid, keep dreaming. Almost two years later, Patrick really is another of my favorite pole boys. He has been kicking ass and competed at Pole Expo in 2013. We were all really, really proud of him. His routine was strong and I was so impressed with how far he's come in such a short amount of time.
A couple of years ago, while at a Nadia Sharif workshop at Poletential, I see this guy doing ridiculous tricks with David C. Owen. He has this tiny muscular body and a tattoo blacking out his entire shoulder. Who is this man?! He was wearing a sweatshirt from Brass Ovaries so I assumed he was from Texas. He came to the bar night with the rest of the crowd and he was in a bunch of my photos. But I still was an asshole and never officially introduced myself. Fast forward to November of 2012. Nadia was back in town and I was helping to set up her schedule. Someone contacted me to set up a private lesson. It was Sean Michael -- the mystery man from the Poletential workshop! After his lesson, he hung out at Twirly Girls and has been with us ever since. Also one of my favorite people in the world, Sean Michael was my instructor for a short time (until my foot injury and his work obligations pulled us apart). He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I appreciate that he puts up with my "vegetarian before noon" jokes.I have been with Twirly Girls for over four years. I help run the blog for the studio and feel like I generally have a finger on the pulse of what goes on in the studio. Working in San Francisco for a year kind of took that away from me. I was physically far from the studio and also mentally not connected as working in a job I disliked so much didn't leave much "extra" when I got home. One day I started seeing things on Facebook about this AJ guy. Who is AJ?! I checked my friends list. I know EVERYONE in the pole industry! How do I not know this AJ from Polecats in Manila?! Then I met him. He is someone you instantly adore. I now take his Dance Lab class on Saturdays at Twirly Girls. It is less about pole and more about learning contemporary dance. I have been watching my videos. I know I have so far to go but I do appreciate AJ's patience with me and how encouraging he is when my body doesn't get the moves. I also appreciate that he's always asking things like, how is your inverting coming along? Uh, I don't know because I haven't tried. I need that push to remind myself that at least half of what is holding me back is my own brain. I am so happy AJ is part of the Twirly Girls family.I feel very lucky to have so many amazing men in my life. I could write another post about the famous pole men that I have met and also adore. But I thought that the men of Twirly Girls should (mostly) be the highlight of this post. They are part of my daily life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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| Sean Michael and AJ |
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| Sean Michael, Timber and Robert |
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| Sean Michael's winning performance at Kinetic Arts |
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| Sean Michael's amazingly supportive parents -- I love them! |
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