December 2014 Blog Hop: My Year in Photos!

It has, once again, been a crazy year.  Here are some highlights.  Sorry, I couldn't just pick one photo to represent each month and I'm sure I missed a bunch of things because I got tired of downloading photos.  And, since my life isn't just about pole, I really did include everything I did.  Enjoy!

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Dangerous Curves III

This weekend is the third annual Dangerous Curves, a celebration of plus size pole athletes, created and hosted by my friend, Roz THE DIVA Mays.  Roz has been a cheerleader for plus sized athletes in pole dance since the birth of modern pole and I appreciate all the love and support she gives me so I try to give it right back when I can.  I cannot be in New York this weekend (but am hoping this is a trip I can make next year, either as a spectator or maybe even as a competitor!!!?).  However, if you ARE in New York, please check out the show and give me a review! 

If you need more incentive, my loves at the Pole Dancing Bloggers Association are giving away a free ticket!!  Click THIS link for more information.

I encourage everyone to support the shit out of Roz and Dangerous Curves!  Please check THIS link if you're in New York and want to purchase tickets! 

September 2014 Blog Hop: Hot for Teacher

You've heard the saying:  "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."  While I know a ton of amazing pole teachers who can do *and* teach, in my case, that is actually true!  When Bel asked me to become an instructor almost three years ago, I really didn't feel qualified.  I didn't have a background in dance or fitness.  I really had only a very basic understanding of body mechanics.  I had been working out, doing yoga, and paying trainers for almost 18 years, but that still does not make me an expert.  However, I started to shadow Bel (who is a certified fitness expert and is also Xpert certified in pole) and eventually started to teach a beginner pole class. 

Many of my students were also friends and ended up dancing with me for over two years.  We also had new students come through, so I was teaching a mixed level class.  Again, I didn't feel qualified.  A few months ago, we started trying to encourage them to take other classes so that I could get back to basics and teach the beginner levels again.  The plan is for my class to provide a solid foundation so that little baby pole dancers can go on to intermediate and advanced classes with confidence. 

While I miss my regular class and friends terribly, I also really enjoy teaching beginner pole.  I feel like I can actually provide useful information and teach moves. 

I have been frustrated with my pole journey lately.  I recently lost 21 pounds and wanted to start taking more classes so I can grow -- not only so I can be a better pole dancer but so I can be a better instructor.  As seems to happen to me, injuries, time, money, life...it all gets in the way. 

I really do enjoy teaching beginners because I feel like it allows me to continue to be an ambassador for pole.  Each time I teach someone who has never poled before, I feel like I am responsible for helping them see how awesome pole is.  I see Yelp reviews for studios and instructors who are horribly mean and nasty to their students.  That will never be me.  Everyone is welcome in my class.  You won't learn how to Iron-X in my class, but I promise some dancing, sweating, and a lot of laughs. 

Who was your first pole instructor?  Do you still take class with them??  Leave your comments below!

Confessions of a Pole Show Producer: NCPP 2014 Wrap-Up

Wow.  I could literally just say that, drop the mic and walk away.  The best way to describe my experience with producing NCPP is: WOW!  From start to finish, I had no idea what to expect!  This adventure started over a year ago, when Amy Bond first brought the idea to me.  (You can read up on some of that HERE.)  Shit got real when Ellen stepped in, secured a location and we actually opened up the website for sign-ups in March.

Looks like a pole move to me!

I don't really know what I expected to happen.  We planned.  We planned again.  And then we planned some more.  (You can read my one-week-ago update HERE.)  And while I stressed myself out for months prior to the show by using most of my lunches, and after-work hours preparing, once it came time to set-up, I felt nothing.  Just peace.  It was the calm before the storm, I told myself.  I was certain I wouldn't sleep Friday night and even more certain I would be a ball of nerves on Saturday -- show day.  Nope.  Still all good.  I went down to Ellen's on Thursday night to organize things.  We spent Friday picking up water and supplies.  Then we got a call that Chobi, the amazing rigger from Los Angeles, was at the venue and ready to set up.  Little did we know, once we arrived, he had actually arrived two hours earlier and was *completely* set up. 

I worried I hadn't secured enough goodies for backstage.  Then I heard someone excitedly talk about the gifts we had set out.  I worried I messed up the music and maybe forgot a song or made the playlist too confusing to understand.  But, nope.  The music tech, David, commented that the playlist was one of the most organized he had ever seen.  I worried that I had nothing to worry about.  Then I worried that I was going to cause something to happen by making myself worry about nothing.  My exterior was completely calm.  Whatever happens happens, I told myself.  The day was here and we had done everything we could to make it a great event.

There was a moment when I went to run up the stairs to the sound booth and I saw my grandfather in a dark corner of the audience.  He passed away years ago and I have been told by more than one medium that he is my guardian angel.  It almost stopped me in my tracks.   He looked young and happy.  It brought tears to my eyes.  As I continued up the stairs, I realized it was actually my friend's husband sitting in the shadows.  That moment was short but it brought me even more peace.  I knew that I didn't need to worry because we had done everything possible to make the event perfect and it was going to be a great day. 

And a great event it was.  We have received tons of feedback -- almost all positive.  Most have said this was the smoothest, most positive event they had ever been a part of.  You don't know how much that means to us.  This is EXACTLY what I wanted.  If you want the pressure of competing, there are many avenues for you.  However, if you'd like to get on a big stage, with lights and music and 200 of your closest friends watching, there are not always a ton of opportunities.  I am tickled at how awesome the day was. 

Ellen and I have so many people to thank.  We thank all of the dancers (we had about 65 performances throughout the day).  We thank all of the studios in the Bay Area (and out of the Bay Area, since Southern California, Nevada and Colorado were also represented).  With the exception of perhaps two studios, everyone had a dancer representing them.  We thank the audience members who came to support the local pole community.  We thank our judges, as most traveled from out of the area.  We triple thank our volunteers, who were so amazing and jumped in to help any time we needed it.  We thank our sponsors, and our vendors, who were selling fun things in the lobby.  We thank the San Jose Stage Company, for trusting us when we were like, "no really, we're just going to put up some big metal poles in your theater and bring a bunch of people."  We thank Chobi for bringing his own rigging and keeping our dancers safe, and for also watching out for us and playing bouncer when necessary.  We thank his son, William, for coming with him and sitting all day as well!  We thank Alloy Images for their amazing photography and videography!  We thank Clif Bar for providing snacks for the backstage.  We thank Girlie Grip and Tite Grip for sending samples for the dancers to try.  We thank Poleitical Clothing, PoleandAerial.com and Girlie Grip for providing pole cleaner outfits.  And we thank PSO for providing guidance for us during the last year.  I also personally want to thank Bel and Twirly Girls for always supporting me.  Even though this event was for all of the Bay Area studios, they are my home studio.  And I especially want to thank Ellen.  NCPP could not have happened without her.  She totally gets my crazy, or at least tolerates it.  And for that, she is owed a million thanks.  I hope I didn't forget anyone.  This is why I hate giving acceptance speeches. 

Here's me not stressing out during the show

I want to go back to the dancers to talk about how special I think each and every one of them is.  I am not a performer.  I dance for Twirly Girl events or at Robert's 1220 events, but I am in no way the-best-performer-ever.  At the end of the day, I know I am safe because I am performing at home.  It takes a ton of guts to put yourself out there in a larger theater like this.  I was so proud of each and every person who took the stage.  I know some were disappointed with their routines but I did not see one bad routine last Saturday.  Thank you for bringing your heart and dancing for us.  Also, thanks for all the cool new music ideas.  I actually wrote my PDBA blog hop this month about NCPP songs.  I was only supposed to pick 10 for the blog hop but I really loved every song submitted to me. 

We received only one piece of negative feedback so far.  It's the damn bear again.  It is kind of funny to me that Pat elicits such a hateful reaction out of some people.  People either love or hate Pat -- there is no in between.  But, Pat is here to stay.  As we say in our FAQ's:  "The bear in our logo is a reference to the California “Bear Flag.”  As our showcase is in Northern California, we thought it would be fun to incorporate that into our logo.  We also want this showcase to be light and fun.  We understand you have many options for competitions, and believe that some polers are hungry to showcase their talents without the pressure of competing. This does not mean that we do not take this showcase seriously, but we believe we can put on a safe show without losing our sense of humor."  Like I said on Facebook, if hating our logo is the only negative thing anyone can come up with, then we're doing it right. 

Thanks to Alloy for catching Ellen and me crying like babies

We received a great write-up from SF Weekly.  I know some people were bummed that stripping is mentioned, but that is what the general public associates pole dancing with.  So, I don't mind the reference.  I am proud, however, that events like NCPP are showing that pole is a legitimate sport and is not just for the strip clubs anymore.  You can read that piece HERE (in fact, I urge you to leave a comment on their page so they can see how many polers there are around the world!).  

The day was surreal.  Sometimes it still feels like it didn't happen.  I feel like there is so much more I could say but I don't want to get too wordy.  So thank you again to everyone who supported us.  I am excited to announce we are already planning the show for 2015.  We are still looking for feedback, so if you would like to leave a comment below, we would love to hear what you thought about NCPP 2014!

July 2014 Blog Hop: Mid-Year Review

It is time for the blog hop again and we are doing a check-in!  How is 2014 going for you?

My year has been fantastic!

I got a new job, have started gaining strength, and Rob is also working.  I am out of my dark place.

When I wrote about my intentions in January, I set four goals:

Flexibility:  I am hitting up yoga 3-4 days a week.  I still feel very inflexible but I can still tell the difference now that I am doing yoga so often.  I love how I feel!!  I feel strong. 

Deal with foot issues:  My feet hurt on occasion, but for the most part, I think my surgery foot is all healed up!  If I walk A TON, it will definitely be sore, but it no longer hurts.  It is such a relief.

Do more, do less.  Weeeeellllllll....I might need to work on this a bit.  I am doing too much and I'm exhausted.  But I feel like it is all stuff I need to do.  I have to work.  I have to work out.  I have to do NCPP stuff.  I have to foster friendships by spending time with people.  Sooooo....what do you cut out?

Be healthy.  I am on a journey and I am doing really well.  Ellen is literally saving my life.  You can read my latest post on that HERE.

 Anyway, there's my quick check-in.  Now you can check out a photo journal of the past six months.  I like to say that I'll sleep when I'm dead.  If I had more money, my adventures might be more grand.  But for what I have, I feel like my life is pretty fun. 

January: Volare Variety

February: Cowboy Wild's show at 1220

February: Yoga in Lake Tahoe

March: Volare Variety

March: Twirly Girls

March: Hey look, I'm doing yogini!  hahaha!

April: Twirly Girls

April: Stiletto Night at Twirly Girls

April: Fun night at Diablo Gym

April: Lovely Rita Fundraiser

April: Twirly Girls

May: Playing Candy from Chunky Girl Comics

May: Dressed up as Snow White

May: Twirly Girls

June: Twirly Girls

June: From Liquidpulp photoshoot

June: Horseback riding on the beach

June: AIDS Walk Fundraiser...Bitches be like...

June: Twirly Girls

July: Fly Gym at Twirly Girls

July: New hair!

June: Twirly Girls

I am looking forward to the next half of the year!  Tell me how you're doing with your goals!

June 2014 Blog Hop: Body Awareness

For this month's blog hop, we are talking about body consciousness.  The official title is: The Body is Art.  We could consider questions such as "how do we honor our bodies?"  Or, "Tell the story of your body."  I feel like many of you know the story of my body, so I decided to choose this subtopic:

How has being a poler, aerial artist or athlete contributed to your awareness of your body? Are you more critical or satisfied with your body? Are you more in tuned with your body?

Oh I am very aware of my body.  I'm aware of the rolls that hang over my pants.  My thighs that spread wider than I'd like.  My chins that occasionally double up on me.  My arms that sag despite surgical intervention.  My boobs that are a little too large and low for my liking.  Yeah, I have some crazy body awareness.  I'm aware that I don't like my body much.  At the same time, I so appreciate the things it does for me.  It carries me everywhere I need to go, even when I'm in pain.  It lets me dance and do yoga.  It lets me ride a bike.  It lets me swim.  I might grump about my body, and my body may hurt sometimes (thanks to my abuse) but it still gets me to all the places I need to show up.  So I appreciate it for that.  

This is such a funny topic for me.  I am very weird about my body.  On one hand, I hide my body.  I tug at my shirt to cover my fat, even though a lot of my fat was surgically cut off years ago.  On the other hand, I put on tiny shorts on a very regular basis and dance around, often posting photos and videos to public websites.  How does that work?!

See?  I'm so shy!

I've always been a walking contradiction.  When I was at my highest weight and started getting shy about going out in public, I started working with a local band and forcing myself to go out and deal with my new-found phobia.  I had an amazing boss early in my career who always told me "the worst someone can do is say no."  They aren't going to kill me or fire me, as long as I'm asking for something reasonable.  So I've kind of applied that to my entire life.  Even when I really, really don't want to do something, I just force myself to do it.  What's the worst that can happen?  Someone doesn't like me?  Ok.  Whatever.  It gives me an air of confidence that I don't actually have.  I still go home at night wondering if people like me.

I feel that pole dancing has furthered that attitude.  Sure, I am very self-conscious about my appearance and my lack of ability to dance extremely well or do tricks.  But I still do all the shows at Twirly Girls.  I make an effort to create an interesting routine so (most) people aren't wishing I would hurry up and get off stage. I fully realize I am not putting on the most amazing routine of the night.  But still, I do it.

I can't tell you how many times I've been stopped while cosplaying as Candy of Chunky Girl Comics.  Women generally in awe that I would walk around in such small shorts.  Always telling me how much they admire me for being brave.  I guess I'm supposed to be more self-conscious about my thunder thighs.  Oh well.  I guess I always figured if I faked confidence and self-esteem, it might actually happen for me.  Fake it til you make it, right?  It must be working because people are often surprised when I say I struggle with self-esteem issues. 

I recently played around at Twirly Girls and put a video of some of my moves together (still not back to free dancing a full song well).  I am frustrated because I have lists of combos I want to try but when the music starts, I freeze.  So, rather than continuing to talk about my body, I'm going to let you watch my larger-than-average body twirling around the pole and writhing on the floor.  It's my body, and I'll do what I want with it.  If you don't like, look away.  That's my attitude!

April 2014 Blog Hop: Emotions

It has been an entire month since I have written anything in this blog.  I almost missed the deadline for the blog hop.  Life has been that crazy.  Between the new job being crazy busy (but still awesome), some personal shit that I don't really want to put out in public and trying to fit in all the other stuff, like preparing for NCPP, there's just no time left in the day. 

The theme for this month's blog hop is emotionality and spirituality.  From our fearless leader, Sheena:  "Movement is the expression of life, of existence, of the universe. This movement is fluid, i.e., it is the movement of waves… undulations, vibrations, pulsations. These are the same movements that animate this body we are, this body that does plies, tendus, spirals, falls… Is dance not just another manifestation of the living breathing universe, of which we are a part?"
 

Yeah, I have issues with all of this.  I am a weird person.  I am very emotional and passionate but I often try to hide it.  It usually doesn't come out until I'm super pissed off and then it's a bad thing.  I also come from a large family so sometimes you have to be loud to be heard.  I haven't quite learned that I don't have to be that overly animated person all the time anymore.  Sometimes being loud makes people really uncomfortable.  So I have ON.  Or OFF.  No in between.  Then I sulk.  I don't like being told I'm being loud and obnoxious so then I just want to go away.  It's easier than trying to be somewhere in the middle, which isn't comfortable for me.  Trust me, I've tried.  It just doesn't work.

So dancing is helping me learn to find that middle ground with my emotions.  I think the reason I only danced to loud rock songs when I first started to pole dance was because I couldn't find my  happy place with soft music.  It made me want to cry and crying in public, in my world, is like a fate worse than death. 

The Fifth Annual Lovely Rita Fundraiser to benefit the National Kidney Foundation was held at Twirly Girls this past weekend.  I danced a very slow and quiet routine with my friend, Ginger.  The song was "Say Something," which, to me, is a song about that point in a relationship where a single word could mean the difference between a relationship continuing or completely ending.  The song represents so many aspects of my life right now.  It was the slowest I have probably moved through a routine and it was also probably the most satisfying routine I have ever done. 

 
I have been attending a class called Dance Lab at Twirly Girls, taught by the amazing AJ.  It focuses more on contemporary dance rather than pole moves.  It is helping me connect with that side of myself that I have ignored for most of my life. 

I have always loved music and have only ever enjoyed dancing in my mind or at my house with no one watching.  Joining Twirly Girls, then actually performing in public, has been a HUGE deal for me because it makes me vulnerable.  It opens me up to criticism, not just from others but from myself.  "I'm too fat to dance like that."  "I can't move the way everyone else does."  "I'm not flexible enough."  "I'm not strong enough."  "I hate that I'm so sweaty."  All that self-hate talk spills out into my dance, making me tentative and disconnected from dancing.  I am working on changing that.  And I appreciate everyone at Twirly Girls who is helping to make that happen. 

And that is who I dedicate this post to:  Every single person at Twirly Girls who supports me.  Bel.  Rita.  My entire class, especially Yolanda and Robert.  AJ.  Sean Michael.  Diana.  Jade.  Ginger.  (Please forgive me for anyone I've missed...if I named every single person individually, we'd be here all day!!)  These are all people who have personally touched my twirly life and are helping me on my personal journey of self-acceptance.  So thank you for that!  And I love you all!

March 2013 Blog Hop: My Men of Pole

The PDBA blog hop this month offered us choices...either write about some very personal stuff ("the great reveal") or do an interview piece with someone ("the profile feature").  Since last month's topic regarding men in the pole industry was so popular and controversial, I decided to interview two of the men I discussed in my first blog hop post for February (my second piece was a bit more personal). I guess since I often write about very personal topics on this blog, there really isn't a "great reveal" that I can share with you. 

So I would like for you to meet two Twirly Boys who are very near and dear to my heart. I guess you could call this a Q&A with the Men of Twirly Girls!  

Meet AJ and Seanmichael - the dynamic duo:

Tell me your name and a little bit about yourself - where you are from and what you do for work. That kind of thing!

Street poling with AJ and SM

SM: My name is Seanmichael Richard Rau.  I was born in Oakland, California and have lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for the majority of my life.  When I'm not on a pole I work in the natural foods industry doing training and education.   

AJ: My name is Job Bautista. I graduated with a BM in Voice and I dabbled in local theater in the Philippines. During my days off from the university I trained and worked as an aerialist and contemporary dancer under Airdance Philippines.  

I've only been in the United States for 10 months but I was fortunate enough start working as a Pole Fitness and Dance instructor as soon as August of last year, 2013. Before then I taught and coached company members of Polecats Manila and spearheaded their Men's Pole Fitness class.

How did you first hear about pole dance and where did you take your very first class?

SM: The very first time I danced on a pole was at a club in Cairns, Australia I thought it was lots of fun but didn't realize that the pole industry or classes existed at that point.  Years later, my coworker, and dear friend, Lizzie Robillard took me to a pole workout class at a circus training facility called Kinetic Arts Center and it was love at first spin.

AJ: I first heard of Pole Dancing back in 2010 when I worked under a contemporary dance company called Airdance. They organized an event for International dance day wherein local dance companies would come together and celebrate dance in public spaces along the local railway transit and boarding stations in the city. Amongst the groups attending was Polecats Manila who was then in the beginning stages of creating their school. 

My first informal lesson was with one of their members teaching me how to do a skater on the vertical handrails in the train station. After an introduction to a few of their members they then invited me to a trial session for their Men's Pole Fitness Class. 

How long ago was that?
 
SM: My first class at Kinetic Arts Center was on December 1st, 2011.  

AJ: Roughly 4 years ago.

How did you know you were hooked?

SM: I credit my initial love of pole to my instructor (now friend) Luiza Silva.  She created a space that was all about getting fit while having fun and being creative.  I have always hated working out but loved physical play.  That class was also a lot about community support.  We encouraged and celebrated each other and ended every class with a lights off freestyle - the first time I had ever let my body speak my emotions for me.

Can you find AJ?

AJ: I knew I was hooked when I just kept on wanting to learn more and took every opportunity to do so. After that fateful meeting in the train-station events just seemed to roll over one after the other. The girls invited me to their first trial Men's Pole Fitness Class and then a few weeks after I joined an international pole workshop held in Manila. Soon after I was called back by the Polecats to became a guest Male Solo pole artist in a Contemporary Dance Festival called Wifi Bodies. It seems as if I always kept on saying yes to all these invites and the opportunities just kept on coming till before I knew it I was training for a competition overseas. 

The world of pole dance is heavily dominated by women. How does it feel to be a man in a world where men can sometimes not feel welcome?

SM: This question for me is more about being a part of a community where not all people are welcome.  As a side affect of our larger societal community I worry about things like cultural appropriation during "themed" competition pieces or some competitions' judging bias towards male bodied performers and perceived "masculine" movement.  I also worry about our trans community members and how heteronormativity and gender binaries are negatively affecting their ability to feel included.  I want this to be an inclusive community where all people get to come together to create and share and have fun.  I do not always feel like that is the case and I am hoping that more dialogue is opened up on these topics so we can bring awareness to the issues.

AJ:  This question is strange to me because I always felt welcome since the first day I started. Back in the day I was one of the few men practicing the craft not because there were a lack of co-ed studios but simply because it was just starting to take off and hardly anyone knew about it. Together with the girls we spearheaded the first Men's pole class in the Philippines and since then we've had mixed level co-ed classes. I'm proud to say we have around 10-15 men regularly attending our classes and the women have been very supportive of them.
  
I've been lucky because I have always found my way into finding studios with such a welcoming environment. I dropped into Twirly Girls and was greeted by quite a few men and the women were just as warm to having that masculine energy in the crowd. 

There have to be a thousand websites with pole clothes for women. Where do you buy your pole clothes?
 
SM: My go-to comfy pole shorts for everyday use are the wide band boy shorts from kurve dancewear.  They come in dozens of colors and are very well priced.  Competition and performance costumes are a combination of swimsuits, custom designs, thrift store finds, and fetish wear from all over the place.  I spend a fair amount of time searching the webs for interesting pole pieces.  Even though there are less go-to spots for me to shop (bad kitty, mika etc.) I like the challenge of finding something unique.

AJ: I buy them everywhere from the most popular brands to the most unknown. Lululemon is a staple for me coz they are able to shorten and hem their bottoms for free. As for tops, well, I hardly teach topless so I just cut up nice loose shirts on the side so I have a bit of side and waist grip.

Tell me about competitions in which you have participated. What did you learn about yourself during the training process?

Seanmichael

SM: I've competed at The Pacific Pole Championships twice, National Aerial Pole Art and Pole Expo.  The decision to compete was a challenge I posed to myself to become a better performer and athlete.  I will admit that there are times when getting ready for these events that I have completely lost sight of the love and joy that I have for movement and I have gotten caught up in the details of scores and titles.  I am learning not only how my body operates physically but also the mental exercise of being reminded why I do this. David C. Owen sent me a lovely message that I hope he doesn't mind me sharing here "Just be your weird self and enjoy being on stage and doing something you find meaningful.  Be the best you." I think that sums up quite nicely how I feel about competing.  I'm not up there for fame and glory.  I don't need a gold medal or a worldwide workshop tour or 1000 likes on Facebook.  I am there to become the best artist that I can be in order to share my story with anyone who is willing to watch.

AJ: I've joined quite a few competitions and was lucky enough to place in a few of them;

Best Choreography- Singapore Pole Challenge (2011)

• Champion- Singapore Pole Challenge (2011)
• 1st Runner Up (Pole Division)- PPS Aerial Performance Tournament (2012)
• Pole Fit Runner Up -International Pole Championship (2012)

I think more than anything I learned to be fearless. To be fearless of whatever critique comes my way, to be fearless of my capabilities, and to be fearless as a person in general. I've learned to take risks and learned how to trust in myself and in the faith of others who believe in me. During a lot of the competitions I've joined I have been held back by a lot of self doubt but then I put my trust and faith in those who believe me. Sometimes it takes someone else to put you into perspective and it sometimes is scary because their perspective of you is far greater than you have ever imagined. You just have to be fearless.

Do you have an opinion about pole getting into the Olympics?
 
SM: I am more interested in pole as an artistic expression than an athletic competition so I do not feel strongly about seeing it become a part of the Olympic games.
 
AJ: I think it's a great thing that we're driving pole into the Olympics. It's such a young sport that I think it will take quite some time till it makes its way but I believe it's a good thing. Some people will think that it will stunt the creative process of pole to becoming more of athleticism and technique as opposed to creativity and artistry but I think there are other venues for these creative processes. As for now I think that pushing pole to the Olympics will help widen the understanding for Pole as a form of art and sport.

What would you suggest studios do to make classes more welcoming for men?

SM: I would change the word men to "people" for starters because men and women aren't the only options. Then I would make these requests: 

• Please do not perpetuate stereotypes about how society expects different bodies to move. "We're working on this movement but it's really girly so you can try something else."
• Instead let the entire class know that we all have unique bodies and what works for one of us may not work for another. Create a space that is safe for everyone to explore their own unique style of movement.
• Please do not downplay someone's abilities because of their body. "Deadlifts are easier for you because you're a boy." Instead, acknowledge the hard work that everyone has put in to achieving a skill or movement.   

AJ's hiding again!

AJ: Well, just like every business you have to reach out to your audience. Nothing sends more of a welcoming message then a hand that reaches out and makes you feel you are wanted and just as special as everyone else.


What is your pole dream and how do you plan to reach it?

SM: My dream is to continue to create movement based art that touches its viewers and provokes thought and to help others find the potential in their bodies' ability to move and express emotion.  Before pole, I had no idea what my body was capable of and I want to continue to push those limits.  

AJ: My dream is to spearhead a show built on artistry and concept. It doesn't have to be a big show. It can just be made in a simple space but I'd like to make performances that make you feel distraught to those that elate you to euphoria from the most whimsical to the mundane. I just want to make people feel and step out of themselves for a moment.  

As of now I'm immersing myself in circus and theater to build on that concept and we'll see where inspiration takes flight. 

How did you each find Twirly Girls and each other, my dynamic duo?

SM: I came to Twirly Girls for a private lesson with Nadia Sharif and was welcomed onto the team shortly thereafter.  The community that Bel Jeremiah has built is astonishing and when AJ came to visit from the Philippines he immediately fit in with our family.  We trained together with Phoenix Kazree before he flew back home and I was heartbroken because I felt like I had found and was about to lose my kindred spirit.  Luckily for me, he moved to the Bay Area and became an official part of the studio less than a year later. AJ is a tremendous artist, dancer, friend, and support.  I admire his skills but even more-so his humility, and compassion.  He has always pushed me and believed in my ability to compete even when I've lost my way.  There is something about the way that this apparatus has managed to create an international community that brings people together and it's comforting to know that even when our bodies are no longer capable of throwing fonjis, we'll still have the relationships that pole brought into our lives.  I affectionately refer to AJ as my "pole boyfriend" but he is so much more to me than any title can explain.

AJ: I was then residing in the Philippines and was teaching part time as a pole instructor and finishing my Bachelors of Music in Voice in the year 2012. My family decided to bring me over to the U.S. for a Christmas break vacation. We headed to Las Vegas where I met David C. Owen who was then teaching in Shine Fitness. I hardly knew any pole studios in the Bay Area where my family lived so I asked him for some help. I figured that just like my home in the Philippines that I could simply step in to the studio and drop into a class. Little did I know that there were a few studios who had co-ed classes and he sent me a list of them through facebook. I wanted to go to each and every studio who accepted men in their classes but since I was pressed for time I only went to one. That led me to Twirly Girls where I met SeanMichael and the rest of the Twirly Girl team.

We only met once that day but I guess we were fated to train with each other since. Phoenix Kazree was in town and SeanMichael had signed up for a private with her in preparation for a competition. Being such a fan of hers I asked to tag along with him for a semi-private. That would be our second pole play date together.

The moment I decided to come back here after my graduation in the Philippines I sent him a message that I was in town. We've been Pole Boyfriends since. =)

*****

I really appreciate both Seanmichael and AJ taking the time to be part of my blog this month. I know they are both very busy and I want them to know how much I enjoy the time I get to spend with them at Twirly Girls.

If you know AJ and SM, leave a comment below and tell me how you met them! 

February Blog Hop 2: Why I'm Comfortable With Men In The Studio

My first post for this month's blog hop highlighted the Twirly Boys in my life.  This post is about to get a little more serious.  In various spots around Facebook (and earlier this month on Twitter), there was some debate about whether pole studios should have women-only classes.  You will find some who passionately argue that there should be at least some women-only classes.  Shoot, there are some entire studios who only allow women.  In the Pole Dancing Bloggers Association group, there was a comment made about straight men in class sexualizing women and that making some women uncomfortable.  

That's when it hit me.  Duh.  I don't worry about men sexualizing me because I haven't felt sexy in probably 25-30 pounds.  I wear a veil of fat.  I am invisible.  And, if I don't find myself sexy, how would anyone else see me that way?

It is no secret that way too much of my personal identity is tied up in my weight.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about weight in some capacity.  Whether it is not liking how my clothes fit or counting calories or blaming body pain on the weight I've gained -- my weight is a daily reminder that I don't like myself.  

That being said, I don't shy away from throwing on my tiny shorts and dancing around on video or for photos and posting them on Facebook.  But I think that's more about thinking that if I force myself to share my large body with others, then it will become more common place and people will think nothing when they see someone with some extra fat on them.  But it also doesn't mean that I don't cringe when I see some videos and photos.  I was just watching class videos from AJ's class last Saturday.  My legs are chunky and I almost waddle when I walk.  No, it's not even a waddle.  I tip from side to side, much like I think Humpty Dumpty would walk.  My bra cuts into my back fat, leaving a crease that cuts around my entire back.  I reminded myself to start wearing black tank tops and stop wearing stripes.  My thighs jiggle and slap the ground in a grotesque way.  My thigh scars give the illusion that every wide-legged move is showing off my labia when it isn't (although if you can't handle a little labia shot, you shouldn't pole dance).  I sweat profusely, and am making myself wear a head scarf so I don't drip sweat all over the floor or have to wipe my face every 30 seconds.  My face has become soft and my chin now disappears into the rolls in my neck.  Nothing.  There's nothing I can come up with that I love about my body.  AJ has such beautiful choreography too, and I already figure he has probably dumbed it down so I can keep up in the first place.  For that, I love him.  But I don't love me.  

And that's why I know straight men in pole class wouldn't give me a second look.  I clearly don't love myself enough so why would they?  I'm comfortable saying, "hey dudes can come to my class -- no problem" because I have never felt like anyone is sexualizing me, which might make me uncomfortable or self-conscious (I would like to believe, though, that it would only happen if a guy I actually liked was watching -- dancing for strangers seems much easier to do).  I know Twirly Girls is a safe place for me and so almost anyone can come into that environment without ruining that experience. 

When I weighed 180 pounds, I found myself at odds with men in general.  Suddenly, they were opening doors and smiling at me.  I didn't really get that at 350 pounds.  And now, at 257 pounds, I feel as fat as 350 pounds and my self-esteem is worse than it was then too.  I definitely notice that men don't notice me or jump to open the door for me like they did 80 pounds ago.  Is that because I keep my own eyes averted and so they pick up on those cues and don't bother to help me?  Or has society told them my large body isn't beautiful and I'm not worth helping?  I certainly noticed my first head-turning experience was only shortly after gastric bypass surgery.  I couldn't have lost more than 25 pounds, and was easily still close to the 300 pound range.  But I was happy as a clam that the weight was dripping off of me.  I passed a man in a crosswalk and he almost got whiplash as he turned to take a second look.  I have always felt like that was a product of my clear happiness and self-assuredness, not of any weight loss.  

There was something I noticed years ago when I dated a very large man.  He was 6'5" and well over 350 pounds.  The bigger something is, the less people seem to notice it.  People would walk into him on the street on almost a daily basis.  As if he was so large, they couldn't even see him.  I feel that way about my weight sometimes.  The bigger I get, the more invisible I feel.  Whether that is self-imposed or not, I can't really say.  

So, I can't tell you whether I would be uncomfortable with men in the studio if I still weighed 180 pounds.  I want to say that I wouldn't have cared then because my self-esteem was high and I was just happy to be alive.  It sounds like, for myself, I need to get back to that place mentally.  I need to not care whether men, or women, adore me -- not because I'm so fat that I'm hiding in the corner -- but because I'm so confident that it truly doesn't matter.

There you go.  That was a whole lot of words to say I don't really know whether straight men in the studio would bother me if I was at a lower weight or in a different place mentally.  I know that gay women wouldn't bother me, so why should it matter if a straight man was in her place?  They both like chicks, right?  So much to ponder and I may never truly know the answer...  Food for thought, though...  How do YOU feel about men in the studio?  

Photo journal of my journey.  Note: despite my negative attitude here, I look back fondly on all of these photos and memories.  My life really doesn't suck.

 

2003: 347 pounds - highest weight

2005 (February): 179 pounds - lowest weight

Possibly 2006 - probably 215 pounds

2006 - post-plastic surgeries, weight 200-215

2008 (June) - Climbed Half Dome at 215 pounds

2009 (March) - pre-Twirly Girls at a bar - close to 200 pounds

2009 (August) - climbing back toward 215

2009 - around 225

2010 (March) - Twirling for four months, up to probably 230

2011 - 240 pounds

2012 - 250 pounds

2013 - highest post-surgery weight at 263

2014 - 257 pounds