Friday, December 2, 2011

Body image

This week, Natasha Wang wrote a great blog about body image.

What you see in the mirror…

When I was in Wellington, New Zealand, I had a rehearsal session at a studio called well, The Studio. Like any dance studio, The Studio has massive floor-to-ceiling mirrors in which students can check and correct their form, make sure their toes are pointed and lines perfect.

Scribbled on one side of The Studio’s mirrored wall were choreography notes for The Studio’s students who were competing in the New Zealand Pole Championships 2011, Andre Wotton and Mei.

But scribbled on the other side was a list of corporal punishments for pole ‘misdeeds’ — flexed feet gets you 5 push-ups or a 10-second plank, while the more severe ‘I quit’ gets you 10 push-ups and a 20-second plank. But the real punishment is incurred when a student makes an anti or negative body statement. This gets you 100 press ups or a 5 minute plank!

[Read the rest of the post and see photos at the link below...]
Don't miss the PUNISHMENT LIST, which Natasha received from Shirley Jones of The Studio in New Zealand.


I usually have a lot of negative self-talk.  I'm in this weird place.  I'm 70 pounds heavier than I was 7 years ago.  But I'm still 100 pounds lighter than I was 9 years ago.  I'm definitely 50 pounds heavier than I need or want to be.  I'm in a lot of pain from whatever is wrong with my hip...more pain than I ever dealt with at 350 pounds.  At 6 feet tall and 250 pounds, saying I'm a "big girl" isn't necessarily me talking badly about myself -- its the God awful truth!  Maybe everything is about adding a marketing spin.  I see Shrek.  Bel sees a Viking Warrior.

Except, I don't always see Shrek.  Sometimes, I DO see the Twirling Viking Warrior.  Sometimes, I see a gorgeous girl.  Sometimes, I see an ugly girl.  Sometimes, I see a fat girl.  Sometimes, I see a strong girl.  Sometimes, I see a tired girl.  I'm 35.  Why did I just call myself a girl?  Oh, because in my mind, I'm not five years away from 40.  There are so many different sides of me.  And my brain never seems to know which one I am.  Maybe I am a different one each day.  As I'm trying to dance gracefully on the pole, I am the hippo ballerina.  As I'm shoving jellybeans in my face, I'm just the hippo.

I am trying to cut down on the negative self-talk.  But it's hard.  I get so frustrated with my crazy brain and the things it wills me to do -- like eat food I don't need.  I keep beating myself up because I am thinking, what if I had taken care of this weight gain when it was 10, 20, 30 or even 40 pounds?  Now at 50 pounds, I feel hugely fat again and hopeless about losing that much weight.  I've already had gastric bypass surgery.  What's my "magic pill" this time?  There is no magic pill.  There never was.  Even gastric bypass wasn't a walk in the park or a free ride by any means.

So I will continue to take this day by day.  Watching my food intake and working out as diligently as possible.  I will continue with pilates, yoga, pole and silks.  I will continue to battle myself over the cardio that I know I need to do.  But I know I can do this.  In fact, I have no other options.  I will not be a gastric bypass failure.  And I will do the pole tricks that I've been enviously watching the other girls perform.

Here is my pole goal:  There will be at least one invert in my Lovely Rita routine in April 2012.  I have less than six months.  LET'S DO THIS!

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